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Reviews
Greta (2018)
Huppert is wonderful but the rest descends into silliness
I have So many questions after watching this thriller that starts brightly but then becomes silly.
As said, Huppert is fantastic as the deranged, manipulative stalker. Moretz is unconvincing as the protagonist. It is generally well made with decent production values.
However, like I said, I have questions. Why did the police not act? How did the father find out? How did everyone get hold of Rohypnol so easily? Why not use a gun? Why keep Moretz in a room near the front door when a basement is available?......like I said, silly.
Far too many convenices and contrivances in the plot but with regard to Huppert, class is class.
I Saw the TV Glow (2024)
This is what American film making has become
Most people will detest this for the nonsensical plot, the glacial pace, the 'modern' messages or the bizarre casting choices. I just detest this for all four.
The direction is not that bad, it does have a little 'style' to it. It's just that the pace kills any momentum in any dramatic scene.
Justice Smith is 28 years old. In this we are led to believe he is in 9th grade. As if. Between fifteen and sixteen years old. He wanders though this film mumbling and stumbling through his lines having the acting range of a dead halibut.
Unfortunately there is far too much of the navel gazing, self insert, 'O woe is me' type of film making. It might be great for mopey teenagers at Sundance but says nothing to the rest of the world but then, it was never meant to.
The Idea of You (2024)
Anne Hathaway shines in Hallmark type movie
It's always nice to see Anne Hathaway in anything but this is very mediocre fan fiction at best. It really reminded me of Notting Hill or that awful J-Lo and Owen Wilson movie a Few years back.
Nothing is especially bad, it's just that it tries very hard to be inoffensive and be kind to all the characters. Unfortunately, it also makes them a bit boring. I think some humour wouldn't have gone amiss.
I can't really believe that Hathaways character would have been single, or the pop star guy for that matter. Did he have a fetish for cougars?
I didn't find the breakup's believable. I can't believe that everyone was so naive.
Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)
A very mid sequel hampered by lack of budget and talent
It's still watchable because it's a creepy Silent Hill movie, but compared to the first one, it's very meh.
The story isn't as good, the acting isn't as good and the fact that it was shot for a 3D cinema release doesn't help.
There are still some good, creepy scenes but overall, fairgrounds are not particularly scary.
Nice to see Sean Bean in this and a young Jon Snow. They will meet up in a years time to do Game of Thrones and Sean Bean will loose the terrible American accent he does.
Carrie Ann Moss really falls from grace. A fall that continues with the last Matrix movie and the appalling Acolyte.
Silent Hill (2006)
Makes almost no sense but really creepy.
There are so many fanatastic set pieces in this wonderful horror film by Christophe Gans.
Wallow in the brilliance of the design of the movie, the creepy atmosphere, the unique monsters and the predicaments that that our protagonist finds herself in.
Consider the terrifying beauty of pyramid head and the elevator scene. The sound of the horn and what transpires in the school with barb wire guy. And the awful, creepy cult that burn people at the stake. Not too mention the bling psycho nurses.
I have never played the game, maybe it explains it all a little better but to me, I doesn't matter.
Well worth a watch.
The Primevals (2023)
Weird. A new movie from a director that died 25 years ago.
A movie that is brand new and yet very dated.
I loved watching the original Jason and the Argonauts as a kid and this took me back in a good way to the stop motion genius of Ray Harryhausen.
It has be said that this is not of that quality. The plot is quite silly. The acting is generally weak from (apart from Judith Mills) a bunch of nobodies.
That being said, the film is rather light hearted, good natured and zips along without outstaying its welcome.
The film is worth seeing if only for the story attached to the making of it. Check out the trivia section.
Nice to see a movie that wasn't created for modern audiences again.
Wild Eyed and Wicked (2023)
Silly, boring and confusing
A very strange film for sure. How would I describe it?
Part ghost story, part LBGTQIA story, part dungeons and dragons. I think that's got the main points down.
None of it made any sense. There were some good scenes at least. Those were the creepy ones. The lesbian relationship bit had no bearing on the rest of the story.
The main character was horribly written being the most unsympathetic protagonist I have ever seen in a motion picture. She is bratty, spoilt, ungrateful and generally unhappy with everyone.
Thankfully it's a tiny budget, so at least it won't be disappointing its bank manager too much. In short, avoid.
Maelström (2000)
A fledgling Villenueve gives us A strange film told in a unique way.
How do you describe this? How do you review it?
The acting, direction, plot and cinematography are all top notch. Villenueve gives us glimpses of what he will become in movies such as Dune, Prisoners and Arrival.
Is it a bit arthouse? Possibly. Is it quirky? Definitely.
The story is one of a self obsessed woman who ploughs through life with no thought for anyone but herself. The consequences of her actions never really come back to haunt her.
The graphic depiction of an abortion in the opening scenes is particularly gruelling, the failed shop, the drunken nights, the drunken driving, etc etc.
The fish are strange but add to the strange tone the film takes.
The Legend of Tarzan (2016)
Rollicking good romp let down by overuse of the CGI
In truth this is somewhere between a five and a six.
Stars hard is pretty good as the titular character, Margot Robbie is, well, Margot Robbie and Samuel L Jackson is badly cast for the first time in his career.
The story combines flashbacks to an origin story which work quite well and a kidnap and chase story which is ok, I guess.
My biggest problem is the awful overuse of CGI. Everything looks fake and I never feel any real peril for out protagonists. Don't get me wrong, I understand that without CGI, making a movie like this would have been impossible.
But here's the thing. How come I watch Jurassic Park now, thirty years after it came out and am still amazed at the quality of the effects and how they make me feel?
Kill Your Lover (2023)
An emotional, claustrophobic horror that shows promise.
I decided to give this a watch because of the synopsis....a couple split up and turn into 'monsters/become infected by something repulsive' as a metaphor for the relationship and the toxic way in which they can end. Was it about that? Well, kind of.
This is a very low budget, claustrophobic horror that would seem to convey all the above whilst doing flashback cutaway scenes to show the story of the start of the relationship though to its zenith.
The direction in that respect is rather good, the central idea is really good, the execution however, can be a little hit and miss.
At its best, it's a grotesque emotional horror rather than a physical one. At its worst, it's a faux intellectual, faux arthouse, film school project.
The actors are mostly a miss. The characters are not very sympathetic and you will feel like you a chlorox bath after watching. Anything that makes feel all those things can't be half bad.
Planetarium (2016)
An interesting start that descends into pretentious twaddle.
The half hour is quite interesting. Two sisters running a seance business in pre WW2 Paris. A man wants to get them into movies and get evidence of proof. So far, so good.
The movie then disappears up its own backside, loosing all structure or semblance of a plot or characters.
The film seems to become more important than the seance act. So, all that build up for nothing.
Characters drift in and out with no purpose or reason, and we are left to drift in a vain hope of what could have been.
The movie has wonderful production values that pay homage to Paris setting and is well lit with excellent set decoration.
But as for the rest ...no thanks.
Shrink (2009)
I miss Kevin Spacey in movies
Ok, so this movie is barely a five but then I realised the Spacey was fantastic in The Usual Suspects, Swimming With Sharks and American Beauty to name but three, and I bumped it up a notch.
Shrink is one of those annoying LA based movies that centres around the movie making community that may work for people who live in it, but becomes boring if you live outside of Commiefornia.
The first hour is good stuff. Spacey is good, the multiple strands are built up quite well and I would happily drink Saffron Burrows' bath water.
The last forty minutes are a mess. Rather than let all the strands of the story resolve themselves like Requiem For A Dream, it tries to meld them all together in a mish mash of stupid ideas.
A Gentleman in Moscow (2024)
Some hits, some misses in an otherwise worthy drama.
I found this quite difficult to assess. The are some moments that are very dramatic, quite heartfelt and nicely constructed. However, the series falls down in several of the broad strokes that the production has decided to make in order to fit the running time of this limited series.
Firstly, the creators have gone for a largely Disneyfied, PG 13 telling of the story, which juxtaposed with the horrors of of the communist regime in the early part of the twentieth century, is odd. In the book, the eternal cheerfulness of our protagonist is the juxtaposition.
Also, I have to say that the casting was a problem for me. I have no problem with casting for 'modern' audiences in modern movies but in period pieces it automatically pulls me out of the moment and dilutes the drama.
The ending is badly underplayed.
Overall, worth a watch.
Poolman (2023)
So this is what Hollywood has become
Everything, and I mean everything about this movie is egregiously bad. An offensive waste of time and talent.
What it is a forensic examination of pool maintenance filmed in the style of Chinatown.....I am not kidding.
I dare anyone to not feel bored by this after half an hour and I double dare them to watch to the end.
Yes Chris, of course you can make a movie with Danny DeVito and Annette Benning and a bunch of your other friends. And, of course you can write it and direct it having done neither of those things before.
The writing, direction, plot, cinematography, acting and editing seek only to confuse and annoy in equal measure.
This may be the worst movie ever made. And I'm still not kidding.
Perpetrator (2023)
Preposterous nonsense
So, how would I describe it? How about, A pretentious, feminist, faux arthouse movie about, ......errrr....nosebleeds.....periods.....I have no idea.....something vaguely witchcrafty?
It's a modern feminist movie, so all the men are either useless, inept or deluded two dimensional characters . The women are, of course, capable, driven and a little more fleshed out.
I have no idea what the plot was, what the characters motivations were or what the point of imagery or faces changes were. None. The montages were pointless. The direction was experimental film school drivel. Our protagonist is a thief at the start which has bearing on the rest of the movie.
An absolute car crash of a movie. Avoid.
The Gathering (2002)
Truly awful and instantly forgettable
How does it do it? How does it take Cristina Ricci, Stephen Dillane and Iaon Griffod (all probably spelt wrong) and not only tell a silly story really badly but also laughable acting performances from this cast?
Seriously, how do you fall into a church?
The plot is a veritable orgy of contrivances and conveniences. The memory loss of a ghost...... Seriously.
The direction is awful and fit for TV only, it is not cinematic at all. The cinematography is non existent. There is no suspense, no drama and the action scenes are laughable.
This is apparently drawn from a book that I have not read. And now, I never will.
Blast from the Past (1999)
From a nostalgia point of view, it's OK, I suppose
Ok, so I'm twenty odd years late to the party with this movie. Nevertheless, the characters are paper thin and the story is as light and fluffy as a light and fluffy thing.
If throwaway popcorn schmaltzy movies are your thing then look no further. There is nothing in the way of great drama or subtext here except, Our characters are Adam and Eve (geddit).
Brendan Fraser is pretty good and Alicia Silverstone is, well, Alicia Silverstone, all slightly grown up from Clueless and just before her career tanked.
There's nothing to hate here but not much to love either in this 'fish out of water' tale of love in 90's L. A.
The First Omen (2024)
The problem with prequels is that you know how things end.
And if you know how things, there is no real suspense. No real drama.
The First Omen makes a half decent stab at an origin story for the first movie but the problems with it are in the conception rather than the execution.
There are some annoying 'member berry moments, some key jangling moments that remind us of the the first and far superior film. The burning nun replaces the hanged nun. The split head priest replaces the impaled priest. The car crash guy replaces the decapitated guy. Really guys, write your own stuff.
The ending contradicts the lore as does the handing out of 666 marks Willy nilly.
It's ok nothing more.
L'uomo del labirinto (2019)
Surprisingly excellent suspense drama
Almost everything here is top notch. Two of my favourite actors, Dustin Hoffman and Tony Servillo.
The direction is quite suspenseful and the cinematography is first class. The music is brilliant, really adding to the feelings throughout the runtime.
So why did I give it only seven? I was going to give it nine with about a hundred minutes gone, but, the director decided to tack on another twenty minutes that simply do not add anything to the overall experience of the movie. I won't give anything away but the movie answers all your questions at that time and then starts again, which only makes things more complicated.
That said, a fabulous watch.
Brian and Charles (2022)
Fantastic, low budget with a big heart movie.
This film could really teach the Hollywood, big budget movies a thing or two.
It's the simple tale of a lonely inventor who invents a robot out of what is lying around his dilapidated Welsh farm.
Simply told in a documentary style, the dreariness off the weather and the landscape play alongside the loneliness and awkwardness of our protagonist.
The equally socially awkward love interest is excellently done as is all the acting in the movie. Brian Earl, who steals all the scenes alongside Ricky Gervais in Afterlife and Derek, essentially plays the same character but dialled back a little.
Highly recommended.
Atlas (2024)
Cobbled together from other movies and quite boring and predictable
Ok, so let's get the robot suits from Avatar......OK.
Next, the AI that is ubiquitous in every movie these days........errrr, OK.
Next, the scene from Edge Of Tomorrow where all the robots get killed when dropped into battle....... OK.
It all felt like it should have been a computer game first. Choose your weapons, find the target, get more supplies, get to the end and fight the boss. Yawn.
Jennifer Lopez doing another boss babe thing only proves that she cannot act. Mark Strong phones it in.
I just found it really boring and you should avoid it at all costs. I dread to think what it cost to make. Best avoided.
Civil War (2024)
Seriously disappointing and a wasted opportunity.
If you are going to tell a story about a Civil War, why is it really about the photo journalists?
If you are going to tell a story about photo journalists, did it have to have a thin story about a civil war wrapped around it.
This film is neither fish nor fowl.
There is not enough back story about a war for us to be invested in what is at stake. There is not enough back story for us to be invested in the characters, hence, we don't care. Also, far too many montage scenes in place actual story and dialogue.
The are several instances of characters suddenly taking a left turn away from their traits and logic. Cailie Spaeny is vomiting with shock and ptsd one minute and a boss the next next? Kirsten Dunst is a boss one minute and suddenly goes into a catatonic shock state.
It's like they had two ideas for two movies and then they wanted to combine them both.
The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)
Fun, uneven, lots of fun, not enough action
I like Guy Richie movies generally. I like Cavill and Ritson, I like action movies. This was supposed to be a recipe for a fantastic movie so why was it a light disappointment.
The first 30 minutes was good. We get the set up, the characters, the plot, the action. Good start.
Then we have a slower, duller, more espionage based middle bit of about 45 minutes when things become a little more talky. After that it's action all way. Hence why I use the word uneven.
The direction is ok but not one of Richie's finest. The script could do with a few more funnies and a little more polish. The pacing is just 'off'. And it ended suddenly.
That said I had a good time for 2 hours and loved the montage at the end of the real heroes.
Challengers (2024)
For Zendaya fans only
Challengers is a a very mid film, artfully told Luca Guadagnino (sic) of Call Me By Your Name.
There are so many things wrong with the movie. It is far too long, the music is annoying and the ending is stupid. The last scene is fingernails down the blackboard bad.
Tennis, not matter how you try to tell us, is not sexy.
And can someone tell me why Zendaya is considered sexy? The body of a fourteen year old schoolboy and the face of a pug.
Generally the direction is good but the gen Z sensibilities, the implied threesome, the infidelity, the sauna scene, and the homo erotica tone of the movie was way too much for me.
The characters are ridiculous and unbelievable. The six time tennis champion just wants a hug? Zendaya's character projects her winning mentality on everyone in a conniving, manipulative manner, Lady Macbeth would be proud. And the loser...what is his motivation?
The realism of the tennis is ridiculous. The US Open? Played in someone's backyard? Do me a favour.
The Fall Guy (2024)
This happened and then that happened and then this happened again
Why was this so bland? No heart. No inspiration.
I don't buy the homage to stuntmen thing. It is just an excuse to have lots of stunts.
I don't buy the romance between Blunt and Gosling at all. In love one minute, hating each other the next. Don't get me wrong, the actors are amongst the most engaging working in Hollywood at the moment, it just never made sense.
The detective part of the story was nonsense. Just an excuse to have lots of silly 'comedic' set pieces.
None of it kept me enthralled.
The plot was a symphony of 'and then' writing as called out by the South Park boys.
In short watch the original TV show. That made sense.