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Royal Destiny (1995)
more baffling IFD fun
This is a strange little IFD-produced action film made by editing two different films together and re-dubbing the whole thing to make a nonsensical story about the drug baron of munich vs several caucasian hong kong mafias vs several law enforcement agencies.
75% of the finished frankenmovie comes from a movie about various incompetent police officers vs ruthless drug dealers. The other 25% of the movie is about a blonde lady in an abusive relationship with a g gordon liddy-looking martial arts trainer and her scheme with a police officer (who looks like a failed attempt to clone richard harrison) to get g gordon liddy arrested. There was also a scene about a burglar murdering a woman while her lover was in the bathroom, but that one didn't seem to be from either movie, though it's possible i just missed those three characters out of the dozens that are introduced up to that point.
The movie has the consistently funny english dubbing and strange choices that make me think godfrey ho must have had something to do with it, but i don't think he's credited. If you enjoy godfrey ho stuff, you'll probably enjoy this, however it really could have used some brightly-colored ninjas.
Sideburns guy is the best part of the movie. Pretend he's the protagonist and it gets better. Also, the ending is hilarious.
Cascade Bigfoot Blood Mystery III Remote Viewed (2023)
heines takes it to another level
With "cascade bigfoot blood mystery: remote viewed", matthew heines takes us on a journey into the unknown, past the cattle grid, past what mainstream science wants us to know, and into a shadowy world; a world of bigfoot and ufos. But fear not, for heines knows this world well. He has been 'in the trenches' of bigfoot, ufo and dogman field research for many years. He's seen more from the window of his paranormal pickup than most men see in a lifetime, and has lived to talk about it.
Heines's mastery of narrative structure gently leads the viewer along this path of mystery, stopping along the way to consult with some of the greatest minds in the pacific northwest remote viewing and psychic intuition professions. Throughout this journey, the viewer is kept rapt - always at the edge of his seat, as the pieces of the puzzle fall deftly into place.
How did the stained paper towel appear? Who, or what, placed this priceless evidence in the tent? What is the 'ufo connection'? Is bigfoot just a pawn of something else... something even more mysterious? Does iran have the inside scoop on the bigfoot-nordic alien alliance? These questions and many more are answered, the only question left is: can you handle the truth?
Poolside Chats with Neil Hamburger (2006)
finally, a talk show for good people.
America's favorite funnyman is now america's favorite talk show host! If you're tired of the filth and the slime that you usually see on popular talk shows, take a bite of fresh hamburger and taste the difference for yourself.
Neil's upbeat, "always look on the bright side" attitude is the balm we, as a nation, need to heal our seeping, disgusting wounds and finally get some sunlight into the musty, rat-infested basement that hollyWEIRD has become. Wake up and smell the future, because the future is now, and the future is hamburger.
Neil tackles the tough issues with his trademark wit and impeccable style, spreading his celebrity guests' minds like the open books that they truly deserve to be. The greatest figures of the entertainment industry open their hearts to the "little comedian that could", resulting in what most critics agree is the finest hour of television produced between 1969 and 2014.
Take a page out of neil hamburger's book and try a little POSITIVITY! Or are you just another sleazy, snivelling coward like the rest of the FILTH that populates this once great nation? Will you live up to the dream that gerald r ford had for you, or will you ooze back into the SLIME HOLE that you came from?
Everyone, write your congressman and DEMAND a second season of 'poolside chats with neil hamburger', if not for yourself then for your children. God bless america and god bless neil hamburger.
Image of the Beast (1981)
good fun if you enjoy confusion
I'm not a christian as was not raised as one but i enjoy watching christian apocalypse movies. I'm not going to criticize the theology of the film because i can watch these suspending my disbelief in the same way i watch a zombie or vampire movie. That said, this movie repeatedly sets up unnecessarily illogical and baffling scenes and populates them with amazingly stupid characters. When the only character who shows any signs of basic intelligence is a bearded hermit who lives in a barn with an illustrated pull-down manifesto chart, you know you're in trouble.
The overall storyline is very simple: we're in the period of the tribulation. There's a one-world government led by the antichrist and you have to have the mark of the beast or you'll be executed... and that's bad, even though the people who refuse the mark are christians who know that they're going to heaven as soon as they're executed and also know that everyone on earth is going to be dead very soon.
I could criticize every scene and character in this movie, but for the sake of my own sanity i will choose a few mind-blowingly stupid things to pick on. This won't make sense if you haven't seen the movie.
Was the writer of this so ignorant of computers that he thought that one could hack a computer system with a pocket calculator? Kraftwerk would be proud. At first i was confused by the calculator scheme but later the mustache guy (i didn't expect the greasy state fair guy to make it to part 3) confirms that david used the calculator to make a fake antichrist account. The complex hacking operation via a pocket calculator in a barn was going surprisingly well, but the plan had one flaw: batteries die. Which brings us to the dumbest, most confusing scene in the movie: the grocery store sequence. Why did they have to buy the batteries at exactly the same time? Why not wait a few minutes, look around then buy the second batch of batteries? Why not buy more batteries another day? They seem to go to town all the time. Why did the lady buy most of the groceries and the batteries and go in line at the same time as david but he only had batteries and about four other things? Of course her transaction would take longer because she had more items. Why did the checkout lady have to write a receipt by hand? She's using an electronic cash register and the whole premise of this is that the central computer will see that two transactions are taking place at the same time, but she has to first write every transaction down after ringing it up then send the transaction to the computer? What?? Why was there a soldier in an apron carrying a cardboard box full of raw, unpackaged meat at the checkout lane? How did a steak get into his pistol holster??? What was that?? Why, after crashing the van, did the lady just leave without david? She didn't even check to see if he was ok. The entire scene made no sense.
Every single prediction in the fundamentalist christian end-times prophesy are coming true every day and this lady believes that all of the christians were taken by ufos? She's surrounded by people who do nothing but explain how these prophecies are taking place and she even has a huge, pull-down chart to study, showing every single step of the prophecy and she still doesn't get it?! There's never any evidence of ufos but she and everyone else believes that? How stupid are these people?
If the antichrist troops wanted to find the lady then why was it necessary for her to be at the prophet's rally? They had a tracking device in david's boot and he would presumably search her out wherever she was, so what did her going to the rally have to do with anything? And then when david grabs onto the death squad helicopter the pilot yells to his passenger "don't shoot! If he falls off we'll tip over!"! Yes. That's how that works. So instead of shooting him as they intended, they gently lower him to a field and allow him to run away while they leisurely land and eventually get out to chase him. Really?!?
On a different note, this movie failed in one other hilarious way - it led me to take the lord's name in vain many, many times. Watching these mark iv movies is like watching a zombie apocalypse movie where the characters watch zombie movies every day and discuss zombie lore non-stop but still can't comprehend that the smelly guys that keep eating people are re-animated corpses that spread their infection through bite and have to be shot in the head. It's enraging in a strange and repetitive manner. Five bags of popcorn.
A Distant Thunder (1978)
really, really slow people eventually comprehend the obvious
Frustratingly idiotic film about the christian tribulation. The film follows a young lady and her friends who were 'left behind' after the born-again christians of the world disappear in the rapture.
I'm not a christian and was not raised in a christian household, but i enjoy watching their apocalyptic movies. This one had me yelling at the tv as the characters repeatedly fail to comprehend what is happening around them, even though these events are explained to them in detail on a daily basis. How could anyone with even a basic knowledge of christian mythology not understand what is happening and what steps need to be taken? As soon as every fundamentalist christian disappears you should know IMMEDIATELY that their prophecies were correct and that you have to take jesus christ into your heart! Come on! Why would you continue to trust your OBVIOUSLY EVIL former friends who work for the OBVIOUS antichrist? Why would you go about your daily business and continue to participate in society when THE ANTICHIST has set up death squads to hunt down christians? Why would you worry about food and even interact with the antichrist's soldiers to get food when you live on an isolated farm in rural iowa? Iowa is the most fertile land in the entire world! There's no sign of drought or blight because every shot is filled with green grass and trees so MAYBE plant some seeds!! Maybe go fishing in the river we see them sitting at! Go shoot a deer; you have to swerve to avoid them on every rural road in the midwest!
These people are incredibly stupid. The idea that anyone could doubt that fundamentalist christian teachings are correct after every impossible prediction they've made has come true is enraging. Add to that that the characters can't figure out that they should be avoiding the satanic death squads at any cost and it becomes baffling. Maybe god used the apocalypse to weed out the stupidest people in the world and send them to the lake of fire... that makes some sense, i guess. I'm watching the whole 'mark iv' series and i enjoyed the first film, hopefully they get better from here.
Outlaws: Tintype (1987)
very disappointing
What do you do when you have a brand-new tv show about time-travelling cowboys transported from the old west to 1980s houston, texas who have started a detective agency and have to deal with the mind-blowing culture shock of experiencing a new and confusing world? How about any of thousands of fun and exciting ideas based on such an absurd and entertaining premise? The cowboys have to deal with modern street gangs and get into an old-fashioned gunfight with crack dealers? Maybe they have to interact with modern technology to solve a case?
No. What you do is make a terrible, boilerplate 'made for lifetime network'-style story using the well-worn cliche of 'woman married to abusive mob boss wants to divorce him, but he wants their son'.
This is the first episode after the entertaining pilot, and they decided to deflate any action or adventure or fish-out-of-water humor and instead make a re-tooled soap opera script that had nothing to do with the characters being time-travelling cowboys. This is the kind of story that should have been resorted to somewhere around the 100 episode mark, but instead they decided to put it front and center. I wonder why the show only got one season? There are limitless fun things you could do with these characters but deborah dean davis (a cosmopolitan magazine writer! The last person who should have been writing a sci-fi western) decided to take a rejected 'hart to hart' script and set a few scenes at a ranch. I am outraged at this obscure, long-forgotten episode of a long-forgotten show! Curse you, deborah dean davis!
Combativo (2023)
pakistani action
Strange little pakistani 'black tanktop' vanity project. This action-packed thrill ride is written-directed-starring-produced-financed-everything by the same man, shahzel syed, who plays a martial arts enthusiast who's finally going to rid pakistan of those rascally terrorists and their diabolical leader, rustam. These terrorists may not have beards and 7th century costumes, but they do have too-tight aliexpress suits and 3/4 scale plastic AKs (everyone knows it's impossible to find real firearms in pakistan).
Our protagonist is not alone in his struggle against the forces of terror and their various ninjas and HGH monsters; he has help from his love interest, a television newsreader who the movie implies is related to the protagonist's mother (that's all i'm going to say about that, umm, custom...). Will our black tanktop hero defeat the terrorists, save the girl, and get permission to film at a unesco site?
This movie was difficult to watch. Incredibly slow pacing. Incredibly slow dialog, to the extent that it seemed like the english ADR had to be slowed down to match the lips of the performers. After 45 minutes i got so fed up yelling 'faster! Talk faster!' at the screen that i decided to speed the video up to 1.3x original, and it honestly made the movie easier to watch. Most of the dialog sounded more natural at 1.3x speed. The action sequence at the end was greatly improved by the speed change. That's not a good sign...
words of advice to shahzel syed: 1. Watch out for reflective surfaces when filming; we can see the camera. 2. using tiny toy guns is absurd. 3. use that tripod i saw in rustam's sunglasses more often - avoid handheld. 4. iodine does not look like blood. 5. SPEED IT UP!
Hierarchy of Evil (2023)
'In such cases of zombie and vampire it's not about skills but ideas'
Laughable Nigerian zombie movie only for schadenfreude film fans. The story is instigated by Benson and Nadi, two ambitious young men who plan to corner the West African high-tech R&D market through witchcraft. As Nadi explains, 'countries like Japan, Europe, America and so forth used necromancy to come about the technology you see them using today', so in order to beat Google, Siemens and Cisco, a trip to the local wizard is the obvious first step to the hundreds of billions of dollars that await them.
After placing eggshells over Nadi's eyes, the wizard speaks about eight words and Nadi is sent to the underworld, where he can gain the magic powers necessary to invent semiconductors and gene-editing techniques. Unfortunately, just like so many CEOs before him, Nadi ends up a bloodthirsty zombie lashed to a forklift. Their plans to make Africa 'the number one growth in the whole world' have borne the bitter fruit of zombie terror, and only the 'Nigerian Army department of biological science and respiratory research' can save the day.
Unfortunately for the Nigerian people, this elite biological weapons department consists of a half-dozen people wearing soldier costumes and chin diapers with some rusty AKs and an old HP laptop. After recruiting and arming a six-year-old boy, these elite scientist-warriors immediately develop a zombie virus vaccine that consists of '70% alcohol and some nicotine'.
Ultimately, the fearless and wise Nigerian Army is betrayed by an evil MD who only cares about his personal prestige, making the vaccine discovery irrelevant. But all is not lost, because wizardry and invoking the power of Jesus Christ ultimately save the day, possibly. The ending isn't very clear. 'Nadi's plan to rule African Technology still stands.'
If you can wade through the nearly inaudible dialog and painfully slow pacing, you might enjoy laughing at this sad little oddity. I enjoyed it, but I have a very strange taste in movies. Beware the zombies of Nigeria!
Ninja in the Mafia's Shadow (2023)
indianapolis mafia vs indianapolis ninja
Better than most modern independent regional genre movies. More effort and skill than the average unwatchable tubi fodder. Cinematography is not bad, hand-held is steadier than many big-budget movies, no shaky cam fights or adhd rapid edit sequences. Audio is clear, adr is mostly good, the synth soundtrack is appropriate and unobtrusive.
Obviously it's formulaic and goofy and the protagonist is an incompetent idiot and it's absurd to watch average looking guys in godfrey ho-esque ninja pajamas run around various indiana public parks; but it's not tongue-in-cheek, doesn't wink at the audience, and actually feels like a movie and not just a weekend camping trip project.
Maybe edit out about twenty minutes of ninja running.
Is God Real (2023)
horrible and unwatchable
Worthless pseudo-documentary attempts to answer the unanswerable. Why does anyone bother making garbage like this? Is it out of sheer boredom? Can tubi write checks for fractions of cents?
This is yet another 'let's test out my free video editing software' expository 'documentary' that takes the form of narration (ahem, voice of god...) over stock footage, stock photos and stock cgi. Zoom in slowly on a photo of a church in cornwall and talk! The narration is absurd; the narrator (who i assume is the director/writer/etc) affects a comical raspy voice for some reason. Was that meant to be funny? I know british comedy is usually pretty humorless, but this is a new low. Every idiotic creation idea from ancient astronauts to ancient aliens to ancient middle eastern schizophenics is slowly and methodically narrated about over and over and over again while the license-free footage slowly pans and zooms.
If you're bored enough (i am!) to skim through this meaningless tubi fodder, then welcome to my nightmare. Life is terrible!
Spirit's Revenge (2022)
adultery is bad.
A fairly boring and occasionally incompetent attempt at horror that never really gets going. If you're hoping for entertainingly bad and weird then you'll be disappointed; only the neil breen-esque tv newsroom crosses the line into the comically inept. If you're hoping for genuinely entertaining horror then how misguided can you be to end up here?
The story revolves around the unrelentingly stupid and terrible zoe and her bland and also very bland adultery boyfriend craig. Before we meet them and their respectively cuckolded spouses we begin the movie with an opening sequence, apparently in 'olden times', where a cuckquean witch ends up possessed by death incarnate. I think. We know it's olden times because the actors are wearing baggy clothing and the walls of the room they're in are covered with brightly colored scarves. I think. The rest of the movie revolves around a pidgin-english-speaking grim reaper terrorizing two idiots via text message and imaginary blood. The two most surprising elements were the inexplicable stunt dummy scenes and craig's use of yahoo mail, surely a more heinous crime than mere adultery.
The amateur cast does an alright job, with a medium level of flubbed lines and hammy delivery. A decent camera was used, was correctly focused and hand-held shots were kept to a refreshing minimum. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the writer had just maybe been cheated on by her husband or boyfriend. Just maaaayybe...
A Karate Christmas Miracle (2019)
great fun for your family
If you want a movie that will please the whole family, look no further than 'a karate christmas miracle'. The kids will enjoy the skillful martial arts performed by the talented child actor and the parents will enjoy the witty, realistic dialog.
Twists and turns lead down a path to family togetherness, unlikely friendship and faith in the power of the belting ceremony as it is practiced in Biblical stewardship.
Real mystery and an overall uplifting message will remind your precious family of the real diamonds and gold given to us by our creator and founders. Christmas is alive and well in Hoboken!
Searching for Sasquatch Chapter 3 (2022)
Anything that gives you purpose in life is perfect
Noted adventurer and wildlife photographer Jason Kenzie returns to his dogged pursuit of the elusive cryptid in this third installment of the "Searching for Sasquatch" documentary series.
In this film Jason introduces us to respected expert Danny Groff, who reveals indisputable evidence of the advanced stoneworking capabilities of the Sasquatch. After that, Jason leaves the Pacific Northwest behind and treks into the unknown wilderness of Michigan's Upper Peninsula where he meets with the cream of Michigan's bigfoot community, including well-known researchers Blake Doucher and Tater Bigstomp.
But it's not all hard-nosed scientific analysis in this investigation; Kenzie's raw masculinity and stentorian cadence contrast delightfully with his impish sense of humor. His natural comedic abilities are on full display again in this third foray into the world of the bigfoot people.
If you're looking for a perfect blend of thought-provoking evidence, beautifully photographed wilderness and lighthearted humor then this is the movie for you.
Ace & the Christmas Miracle (2021)
it stinks!
Truly pathetic little movie that involves a jon lovitz horse interacting with bizarre pseudo-people in a variety of porno shooting locations.
D-grade jeff garlin and f-grade richard lewis have teamed up to reimagine their 'curb your enthusiasm' personas as degenerate gamblers who desperately teeter through a life of kidnappings, arrests, brain injuries, threats of gangland murder, insect-based fraud and fetal alcohol syndrome.
The story is convoluted and bizarre. I think that the writer forgot about what he had written and continued on instinct. Was the whole point of the lady's plan to get some money? Then why lie about the husband? How did that help? Does the mother actually have custody of the kid? Because when the father is kicking her out it seems as though the kid is staying with the father, implying that he has custody. If that's the case then why wasn't her plan to trade jon lovitz for custody? Also, if the mother has custody then the kid will be separated from the jon lovitz horse so that wouldn't resolve the main problem. Did she re-marry the husband that she hates? Did she buy the jon lovitz horse? Also, as explained in the stable scene, tony has the ability to speak to all horses, so he doesn't need the jon lovitz horse and can continue going to the stable and getting betting information, but he doesn't. Why? Because he couldn't afford any more studio time with jon lovitz? He doesn't have $17?
It seemed like the writer had a few half-remembered cliches that brougt him to 45 minutes, then gave up and had them win money and everything is good now because gambling saved the day but gambling is also bad.
Thank you, mr. Lovitz, for helping us believe in love, miracles and christmas, again.
Bottom Feeder (2007)
rat horror
A deadly ratman is on the loose in a hamilton, ontario, michigan abandoned underground hospital and some stereotypes must escape.
The ratman effects are pretty good. Tom sizemore was america's youngest vietnam pow, proudly serving at age 5. I had to wait 40 minutes for the annoying kid to die. The ending was laughable. All around a good time if you enjoy rat-based horror or escape-from-underground-monster-lab horror. Everything was very canadian.
How can you tell a bad movie is canadian? 83% of bad canadian movies released between 1990 and 2022 have ridiculous anti-science, anti-american and anti-military storylines. When the US military teams up with scientists to genetically modify things, listen to the pronunciation of 'sorry' and 'dollar'.
Gypsy (1990)
a good time for you
Greasy rapists attempt to murder a greasy idiot for preventing their raping. The idiot (killing american style / rambo 3 guy) runs around with two prostitutes in the desert badlands of the us/canada border. Every time the idiot captures one of the people hunting him he lets them go with a promise not to hunt him anymore. Protagonist sheriff stuart whitman aids the rapists in their quest while being terrible at all aspects of law enforcement. A sex scene happens in the middle of a chase scene... three different times. The gay waiter from samurai cop is now a gay indian tracker with a golden retriever bloodhound. The police chief from samurai cop is the leader of the greasy rapists. A crew member is visible watching a nude scene. A helicopter is shot down with a revolver. A woman named zsa zsa is impaled on a twig. A man named montana is a gypsy. An iranian man is ignorant of american ethnodemographics. If you're the kind of person who is capable of finding this movie then you'll enjoy it.
The Most Dangerous Game (2022)
new and refreshing ideas
With 'the most dangerous game' writer/director justin lee has proven that originality is not dead in modern filmmaking. Casper van dien's flawless german accent and ct tamburello's natural charisma draw the audience into a non-stop thrill ride through the darkest heart of man. Watch for cameos by bruce dern as the crypt keeper, tom berenger as a time travelling vietnam war veteran and judd nelson as a confused judd nelson. Five bags of popcorn.
Alone with Bigfoot (2020)
a movie for the 'now' generation
A branch breaks in the deep forest of Oklahoma. A distant howl conjures horrifying images of what just might lurk in the primordial darkness. Where do you run? What can you do? Welcome to the Kiamichi Mountains, and welcome to the shocking realization that you're never truly alone in these ancient hills. Join intrepid outdoorsman Master Hughes and the beautiful Panda Butler on a journey into the unknown, into the wilderness, Alone with Bigfoot.
Kiamichi Beast Expedition (2021)
the original classic
Seldom does one find true treasure in life. The things of greatest value may come as a chance encounter leading to a lifetime of love and devotion, friendships forged in the heat of battle, and, perhaps a mysterious adventure into the heart of unknown wilderness. Master Hughes, a legend in the filmmaking and anthropology worlds, has once again proven that the most valuable thing a man can offer is the unadulterated truth. Hughes, a true renaissance man, bravely goes places the average man dares not. Don't believe the negative reviews planted here by agents of unknown saboteurs, this movie is the real deal. Do yourself and your family a favor and watch Kiamichi Beast Expedition right now. DO NOT WAIT!
Kiamichi Beast expedition 2 (2022)
incredible evidence and filmmaking
If you're interested in flawless filmmaking, groundbreaking scientific evidence and thrilling adventure, then look no further than Kiamichi Beast Expedition 2. Master Hughes is a fascinating and fearless man who goes where others won't and bravely discovers the truth behind the legend of bigfoot. It's hard to believe that one man can do so much for filmmaking and science at the same time.
Curse of the Bermuda Triangle (2020)
don't tangle with the traingull
I love shows like these. It's the old formula of a half-dozen profoundly unqualified 'experts' with irrelevant and arbitrary job skills attempting to answer the unanswerable. It's like watching chimpanzees trying to comprehend trigonometry.
I laughed every time the narrator attempted to pronounce the word 'triangle'. It turns out that 'trianlge' has two syllables and is pronounced either 'train-gull' or 'trine-gull'. Almost as good as the experts on 'ancient aliens' attempting to pronounce 'extraterrestrial'.
If you enjoy this show for any reason other than humor then you are the death of western civilization. Congratulations and welome to the end!
Please, garbage tv channels, keep making trash like this.