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Reviews
The Santa Clauses: Wanga Banga Langa! (2023)
That was the finale?
I'm truly blown away that a writing team could spend an entire season building up the final battle between the two Santas as well as the Elves vs Gnomes and then end it without a second of excitement. The only "battle" we actually got to see play out was Olga vs Betty and that was a bit of wrestling followed by a very awkward "we're besties now" moment. Instead of having an episode dedicated to the clash that they had spent 5 episodes building up to, they decided to make the gnomes put away their 700 years of hate with a 15 second speech. Not to be outdone, the two Santas played hot potato with a cup and then decided that all was good as well. Disney is getting massive cuts in what they spend on streaming content so this is likely the last season of this show and it's sad that the franchise is going out on another very poor note just like with The Santa Clause 3.
Lightyear (2022)
Had potential!
I believe the premise of this film was solid but the execution was lacking. The story started out great but then became a pain and the voice cast didn't help. While the voice of Buzz sounded authentic the person who voiced Izzy made this expensive blockbuster come off like a low budget tv show. The actress, who's name is Keke Palmer, sounded like a tired parent trying to make a bedtime story interesting. She didn't become the role as whenever she spoke you got that awkward feeling you get during high school plays when someone is trying to act but failing. The story seemed as if it was drummed up in a single afternoon which is very unusual for Pixar. They used to claim they never start work on a new Pixar movie unless the story is stellar. The original Pixar team who were committed to that excellence must be gone now because the last few movies from them have been poorly disguised cash grabs.
Haunted Mansion (2023)
A great example of how bad Hollywood has become
This movie is the perfect evidence that hollywood has lost all touch. Let's start with the casting. They had a role which only called for an interesting voice and they chose Jaime Lee Curtis? I admit she was entertaining but only because her attempt at a low, ominous voice came off so hilariously bad. Then they needed another scary voice (and that's it) and they cast Jared Leto? I get that he has a stranglehold on all talentless roles but what a joke. His voice work was apparently so bad they had to heavily modulate it in post production so that it was completely unrecognizable. Poor Rosario Dawson apparently lost all her hair so they had to put her in a massive wig that sat on her head like a baseball glove.
Ahsoka (2023)
This fell on its face fast
This series started out very interesting. Ahsoka seemed cool and confident and the new sith had an edge to them that felt dangerous. Then it got bad. Really bad. These characters are awful and have no substance whatsoever. The sets look top notch and then the characters look like they are from a high school play. They act like it too. Whoever plays Sabine Wren is a joke. Every scene she was in was immediately ruined and the actress had no ability to make Sabine the tough rogue she should be. Now Sabine is an ignorant whiny brat. The sith duo quickly lost that dangerous edge and simply became edgelords. It's clear the creators were just hoping people would be so mesmerized by ahsoka being live action now that they wouldnt mind the lack of excitement or talent. Mr. Krabs has a role though so that's nice.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
A masterpiece of bad
The best part of this movie is when they decided to use a 60 year old Nichelle Nichols as a "sexy distraction" while attacking a base. Turns out the idea was as bad as it sounds and so they only shot from the shin down with her feet covered by sand while she did what appeared to be a pregnant waddle. It was quite the turn off. The men who had hoped for a sexy encounter were understandably disappointed when they realized they had been duped by an old lady. The next best part was the character of Sybok. A man who is supposed to be extremely intelligent yet decided the best way to steal a starship would be to start a cult and use it to take a town hostage.
The Crew (2021)
Pretty bad in general, even worse if you know anything about cars
The thing I will never understand is how so many people can be involved to make a show and nobody ever just stops and mentions that none of these jokes are funny. There were dozens of people in this writing room and on the set who really thought they did a good job when they made this depressing series. Do people laugh at this? Has society really gone that far into the depths of stupidity? A fat guy makes fat jokes, a sleazy girl does a girl power shtick and the rest of the characters do a three stooges act. That is the entire show. What's really confusing is how this show gets cancelled after one season while shows like the Big Bang theory go on forever when they have the same exact type of poorly done comedy.
Zenon: The Zequel (2001)
The future is wild
I love this here movie. It's about the future and apparently in the future entertainment has disappeared because the first scene of the movie shows two teenage girls fascinated by playing something like the arcade game pong. I mean they are truly amazed. It's like they've never seen a video game of any kind. There must have been some point between now and the future period of this movie where all video games were destroyed for blasphemy.
ProtoZoa is the real star of this here cinema and the whole zenon franchise. He's hilarious. He loves himself and rightly so because he's got a funny accent and cool hair.
Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020)
Entertaining but has a few misses
This is a good show and I do enjoy watching it. The main character could use a lot of work but that can be mostly looked over. They try very hard to make her come across as rebellious and tough but it all feels very forced, fake and awkward. Other than the scenes with the main characters desperate acts for attention, it's funny and good hearted.
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run (2020)
Stephen Hillenberg would hate it
From the first words, I should've known this was going to be bad. The opening narrator makes an attempt to sound like David Attenborough doing one of his nature documentaries but it comes off ridiculously amateur and cheap. I found out later the director himself did this narration and that tells you a lot about this film. The director is so full of himself that he not only thinks his awful voice work is passable but also that his movie is presentable. This all becomes hilarious when we look at the screenplay that a bunch of supposedly intelligent people liked: "Poseidon needs snail juice to fix his ugliness so plankton kidnaps Gary the snail for him. SpongeBob and Patrick hit the road to save Gary but run into trouble. They are helped out by Keanu reeves the sage bush who shows them a vision of Danny Trejo and snoop dogg rapping and being old west zombies. They then make it to the city and immediately become addicted to gambling while listening to Ricky Martin. They are saved by their friends telling stories of how they all met which convinces Poseidon he could be ugly if he had friends"
Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012)
Very good for what it is: a small screen family movie.
This film should be viewed with an understanding that it's a TV movie with all the limitations that come along with that. It should not be thought of as a home alone sequel because that connection is only in the title as a cheap marketing tactic to hook potential viewers.
When the film is seen for what it is, it's actually a well done movie. The casting is solid. The main character (Finn) carries the film steadily and never feels too overdone like a lot of child actors. The dad is hilarious, the mom has a good grip on the disciplinarian role and the sister, while given weak lines, is at least serviceable. The three thieves obviously demanded the bulk of the payroll. While debi Mazar is the most awkward to fit with her character, she still gets a laugh or two. Eddie Steeples knows the "dumb criminal" role well and is perfect. Malcolm McDowell feels out of place at first but quickly makes you realize his career has always been on this trajectory.
Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)
Nothing makes sense.
An awful child steals a doll and then tortures the people who are the rightful owners. The owners do deserve the punishment since they have chosen the worst way to get the doll back but it's still sad to see a home alone film with no heart. I don't know if I have ever seen a movie where every character is deplorable. There's no good guys or even decent people in this film. There is a family that is apparently related despite them all being of different races and nationalities, though.
Drama Club (2021)
Unfortunate
This is just a study in extreme stereotypes. All the characters have one trait and push that to its limit. The jock is dumb and says bro. The gay kid is dramatic in an insufferable way. The Asian girl is an overachiever.
Jumanji: The Next Level (2019)
Funny but could've been a lot better
The story is solid and there are some comical moments. However, it does feel a bit unnecessary overall and basically a repeat of the first film with a couple more actors. The main thing that really hurt this film was having the video game characters use the real life persons "voice". Kevin Hart actually did a decent job but Jack Black just sounded like a white guy mocking the way a stereotypical black person talks. The worst was Dwayne Johnson and the Asian woman named Awkward or something else regrettable. They tried to talk like DeVito but the rock often switched between a New York, Boston and Philadelphia accent at random. The Asian woman just made his voice raspy and whiny for some reason and it felt extremely forced. It made you cringe it was so bad.
I'm Sorry. (2017)
Very funny at times but relies way too much on one style
This show is hilarious at times and I loved the first season. However, in the second season the writing has gotten extraordinarily lazy and they just fall back on the same comedy style for every scene. One character pretends to be or do something and the other one plays along for laughs. For example, Andrea will pretend to be a prostitute and her husband will remark like he is a pimp. Then in the next scene Andrea will pretend to be a sexual predator and her writing partner will pretend he supports it. This happens almost every scene with the pretend situation changed up a little. I had to stop watching because it got boring and predictable.
Game of Thrones: The Long Night (2019)
Great Battle but not a GoT episode
The battle was amazing. One of the best produced medieval-type battles I have ever seen. However this episode seemed rushed in many ways and did not feel like Game of Thrones. It felt like a Hollywood blockbuster with no soul. It was predictable and repetitive. There might have been 30 different times a main character was an inch from death only to be saved by someone they have an emotional connection with and they share a long gaze. I started laughing each time because I couldn't conceive a writer's room that would go in circles so much. Also, the night king death was cheap. I understand a drawn out death wouldn't work well with his lack of a backstory but to give him such dominance as a character and then have him killed like an extra was a disservice to the show's legacy. It would have been so powerful to show how Arya made her way behind him. The whole episode lacked the story that pulls you in like most of the series. From what I can tell, the writers had no idea what to do with most of the characters and tried to distract us from that fact with an expensive battle. They clearly had no clue what to do with Bran, the connection to the night king or the night king himself. They didn't want to work out what the three eyed raven truly was or how the night king began. Even worse they decided to allow the night king to show clear emotion which would mean he does have a story and isn't just a mindless leader of a rampage.
My Name Is Earl: No Heads and a Duffle Bag (2008)
An episode that made me curious
While understanding basic sitcom shows like this have to be "innocent" enough for a family to watch, My Name is Earl always tried to be more accurate about the taboo things in society. For this reason I was confused with this episode as they framed marijuana as some crazy drug that causes people to hallucinate and lose their mind. After doing some research I found out that this episode was one of the first in the show's history for a slightly earlier time slot when the show ran on NBC. This earlier time slot was considered part of a "family hour" so the writers must have been pressured to feint innocence. They couldn't have used a hard drug like acid (which would have been more in line with the actions of those that were "high") but they also couldn't have people smoke weed and be normal as this wouldn't make the drug out to be bad.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
A film ahead of its time
The Adventures of Pluto Nash are exactly that, an adventure. You have action, you have romance, and you have beautiful acting from the comedic genius Eddie Murphy. Randy Quaid as a robot was a lovable and heart wrenching addition to the film. I felt his pain at not being appreciated. I understood his loyalty and celebrated his triumphs. The technology and culture of the futuristic period was dead on with risky yet probable decisions by the producers. This film is clearly geared toward the highly intelligent. It took me several viewings to truly absorb its depth and message.
Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)
Where Solo at
Solo, a summary:
Dude is part of a gang that is run by a giant vampire worm but he doesn't care too much for it. Dude runs away with bae but bae is slow and gets caught. Dude starts buggin and joins the army. Dude hates the army cause he likes being alive and so he finds Chewbacca and woody harrelson and they decide to steal some gas. A woman sacrifices her life to help steal the gas. These people really like gas. The gas heist goes bad cause a shaman warrior named Incest attacked and blew up the gas. Dude goes to yacht and sees bae but bae is with Vein Face now. Vein Face really likes gas so Dude recruits Childisn Gambino to get some more gas. Childish Gambino's hippie robot starts a revolution and they all steal some gas. Everyone tries to backstab each other cause they love gas so much and Woody Harrelson gets shot. Bae is bad and has Darth Maul in her contacts. The shaman warrior Incest got the gas.
I give it a solid 6.
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
A very special film
It's been years since a movie seemed interesting enough to convince me to see it in theaters but I am glad this one did. This is what the world needs more of from filmmakers. Everything about it had a fresh and unique take on what has become the most boring genre of movies: the superhero origin story. Obviously the visuals were quite original with the comic-book-meets-CGI animation but they weren't distracting and fit the flow of the story quite well. A beautifully written script went hand-in-hand with the characters and their personalities producing some great laughs and moments that pulled at you. What truly amazed me in this movie was how it all fit together so well. I was never taken out of the movie's world. Never heard an off-beat line or awkward joke that made you cringe and never wondered how much longer I had to sit there. If you are a fan of well crafted films that carry you from beginning to end without a bump, you'll enjoy this movie. Even if you don't care for comic books and super hero's, this one just might make you.
The Orville: New Dimensions (2017)
The Writers forgot their own story
This episode made very little sense. Back in episode 7 "majority rule" it was established that John LaMarr is not an intelligent person. He was slow to understand his own obvious situation and even when he knew his life was on the line he answered questions with idiotic, childish responses. The writers attempted to cover this plot hole by saying LaMarr pretends to be stupid to better fit in. Someone who is smart would not keep up a facade that they are dumb when their life is on the line. He would not keep acting stupid when he knows he will die. It's hard to suddenly accept someone is smart when you've seen repeated instances of them being honestly dumb. I'm guessing the writers felt pressure about having a minority of low intelligence and tried to save face with this episode but it felt forced and out of touch with the rest of the show. I would love for LaMarr to be smart but he's already been shown to be the opposite even when he isn't trying to fit in.
The Christmas Chronicles (2018)
Copycat Christmas
The movie had good intentions but was way too simple. The amount of character's that Santa surprises with his knowledge of their life might go into the triple digits and that's not an exaggeration. The entire movie is three scenes but repeated for two hours. Mostly we see this: Santa meets a stranger, stranger assumes Santa is just a creep in a rented suit, stranger is surprised to hear Santa actually knows everything about them and this leads to the stranger becoming hostile or helpful. The second scene that is repeated to exhaustion is the two kid's will be happy then become depressed because they randomly remember their dad died years ago. The last scene that pops up over and over is Santa sees an overweight depiction of himself and becomes angry that everyone thinks he is fat. And that is the entire movie.
The President Show (2017)
Should have been a one time special
This is not helping. We liberals attacked conservatives when they made fun of Obama but now we make an entire show to make fun of Trump? Isn't this sad that he controls our thoughts so much that we make entertainment about him? I get it's supposed to make fun of him but really it just gives him more power over us and makes us look insignificant in comparison.
Wrecked: Last Meal (2018)
This is starting to worry me
I really like this show. It's jokes are thought out and planned for payoffs. TV needs shows like this to combat the dumbing down of society with The Big Bang Theory and the like. Unfortunately, the past two episodes are missing the fun the show usually has. Hopefully once the Hunt begins, things will get back to the hilarity but having the group stuck in a cage was a very bad idea.
Wrecked: A Game of Chest (2018)
Worst episode of the series
This is a filler episode and it shows. Nothing of significance happens. Jess forgets the last 10 years of her life but that doesn't really matter since her character is there for eye candy and she just comes off as even more annoying than she was already. Having Steve play chess had its moments but nothing very funny. All the other characters just try to help Todd with Jess and nothing funny happens. If there is an episode to skip, it's this one.
Jack Ryan (2018)
It just doesn't work
You know society has become a joke when someone like John Krasinski is cast in a masculine action role. Sadly, it doesn't work. He is not threatening or even intimidating. Nobody would have a problem taking this guy out. He is your neighbor the boring accountant and he needs to stick to those roles because his attempt to be an action hero seems almost like a parody it is so bad. I understand it is hard to find real men these days and the Rock can't do every movie but attempting to make a gangly dork an action hero is one of the worst castin decisions ever made.