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Strangeworth
Reviews
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)
Mummies and daddies.
I only saw the mummy segment, but it was SO stupid. The plot makes itself unexplainable. Bellingham pries open the mummy's sarcophagus. The first thing he does is goes on about how the ritual of mummification calls for pulling out the corpse's brain. Then he finds the piece of paper in the mummy's stomach. He asks the other guy "You know how to read this?" Later that night, he reads it fluently, enabling the ancient Egyptian curse which wakes the mummy. Now, if I'm wrong, stop me, but he said the mummy's brains were pulled out. If that is true, the mummy cannot think. Hence, he could not have a had a solid working knowledge of the human anatomy, and the knowhow to steal that one guy's brain. Also, not that even a brain could help him here, if he is from ancient times, how does he know how to cause an electrical blackout? Finally, if he has no brain, his nerves wouldn't work. How can he move?
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
Interesting way to spend a marriage...
I have an idea. I think I'll marry a hit woman unknowingly, drink an alcoholic beverage in every other scene,being a hit man myself, toss away all my wedding vows and forget that I love my wife and have for five (or six) years as I try to shoot her in the face, and end up loving her again so we can pump a SWAT team full of lead in a shootout at "Kostmart." Maybe along the way, I'll hang out with Vince Vaughn and wonder if my pot roast is poisoned. Then I'll consume more alcohol. Maybe if I'm lucky my character won't be under developed and the plot won't move along too slow. I doubt it though. I really do. At least getting shot numerous times won't kill me, and the wounds will magically heal within thirty seconds and I'll be able to walk around and show the baddies the business end of my gun again.
Red Eye (2005)
Better hope this isn't your in-flight movie.
This is an incredibly silly movie. Cillian Murphy and his big lips are out to assassinate a corporate big shot, and they need the help of a terribly paranoid hotel manager to do so. If she doesn't help, Jackson (Murphy) gives the order to take her dad out. This movie puts the main protagonist in a situation in which there is only one predictable solution that would be used in a thriller movie, which is wait out her flight, then attack him and go see daddy. After she stabs him in the neck with a pen, he gives chase, and steals a woman's scarf to cover the wound. This later leads to the highlight of the film, in which Jackson resurfaces and somehow beats the girl back to her dad's place. You know, it's very hard to take a villain seriously when he's wearing an adorable silk, maroon scarf. Avoid this movie.Catch a plane instead.
Spider-Man (2002)
Maybe if this movie were bitten by a radioactive spider, it wouldn't suck so bad.
Sure, it IS Spiderman. The thing is, it is very slow and many of the film's versions of the events and characters are a let down. Let's start with the most obvious, the Green Goblin. I was waiting for him to jump at someone and say "Arrgh!!!! My face doesn't move!" The multiple personality thing is cute, but in the comic he was rarely aware of his "Goblin" side's presence. At least not to the point of being able to talk to himself. Next, why did they not even bother putting Gwen Stacy in? I loved the Gwen Stacy concept. She died, proving he can't save everyone, not even the woman he loves. Spiderman himself was also a disappointment. He wasn't as sarcastic as his comic book counterpart. He complains too much about the price of being a super hero while this price is hardly ever shown. If you really want to see the price of a super hero, go check out this movie's sequel. Leave this one alone.
Daddy (1987)
Pregnancy and morons
My teacher taped this and showed it to us in Child Care to demonstrate how teen pregnancy affects people. It just demonstrated how teen pregnancy affects a childish jock not properly educated on how sex works and a whiny, unloved girl who throws fruit when angry and couldn't tell she was with the wrong man even if he wore a sign stating he was such. I wouldn't be surprised if the father of the baby had about eight girlfriends in the first edition of the script. Stacy's (the carrier of the baby) mother is a riot. She is oblivious to the fact her daughter is past the age of four and is seemingly unshaken when people spy on her through her dining room window. Bobby's (the father) best friend's name is Dewey, and is an obvious rip off of Sean Penn's character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. This movie is horrid, simply because none of the characters are believable. Thank goodness it's only made for TV, limiting the public's chances of viewing it.
Mitchell (1975)
Don't worry, Mitchell is on the case. Actually, I think you might have a lot of worrying to do..
Who's that studly cop who always gets his man and charms them foxy ladies? It's certainly not Mitchell. He spends most of his time looking at obvious clues to a crime, drinking beer, flirting with hookers, sitting outside a suspects house but never finding proof he did anything, scaring children, letting fellow cops jump from helicopters after he uses them to shield bullets, and drinking beer.
They wrote this script as if the main character never actually finds a lead by himself, but rather gets lucky enough to stumble on to several. Mitchell is a film celebrating a more realistic American cop. A corrupt, lazy guy who gets lucky enough to solve a case and sleeps with hookers, then arrests them for it.
The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)
You gotta be kidding me...
How can this be a real movie? How can even the filmmakers take it seriously? What in Gordon's name is up with that Prof. Neon guy? This movie is a joke.
First off, Bob Kane should have sued these people the moment this movie was marketed. Any fan of Batman, or anyone that knows of the comic for that matter, should be offended by this film, as should anyone who speaks an East Asian language (I'll get to that).
Secondly, this is terrible! Ter-ri-ble! Not only is the plot incredibly vague, it's just plain ridiculous. Atomic hearing aid? About ten minutes all together of Go-go dancing sequences? Girls pledging loyalty to the forces of good who don't do ANYTHING when they see a man being MUGGED AND STABBED (the horrible opening sequence)? This is supposed to be seen as a crime/action flick, but has elements, humor, and dialogue that would only appeal to an audience of children, and not very bright children at that. And it insults anything it touches. Even the poster makes no sense. Batwoman is about to be attacked by a mole person, yet in the movie the mole people don't even have twenty seconds of screen time, nor do they interact with other characters. I'm glad I only saw the MST3K version, or I'd have been stupified to a drooling baffoon by the end of the first fifteen minutes.
The only thing worse than the acting and writing is the characters themselves. They are silly, stupid, and above all idiotic. Especially the Chinese spirit. It's just a voice over, but is clearly not even speaking Chinese. I appologize for the maker of this movie to anyone who takes offense to such racial ignorance.
Save yourselves, viewers. Just don't see it. Don't even look at the poster.
Batman & Robin (1997)
Poor Batman Franchise, I mourn for you.
It's winter forever for this movie. No soul in their right mind is ever going to take it seriously. The casting is terrible. Alicia Silverstone is nothing close to a good actress. Arnold turned Freeze from tragic victim to giggling idiot. Batman, a lonely, tortured individual, is played by George Clooney, who can't help but give a cocky smirk every five minutes of the movie. This film's Batman is more fit to appear in an electric toothbrush commercial than fight crime. Uma Thurman is over the top... WAY over the top.
The plot would be enjoyable if 1) Ivy and Freeze didn't team up, as Freeze hardly ever enlists henchmen. He shouldn't join forces with another Rogue. 2) Everything else besides the plot wasn't crap. The acting, production design, puns, humor, and even the sound effects are laughable. Since when does a cartoonish zipping noise sound when Batman punches someone?
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
When exactly did he conquer them?
For fun, I'm going to do a little summary of the film, and comment the stuff that makes it bad as I go.
Well, it's Christmas on Earth, and on Mars, the children are rebelling. Why this frightens everyone I'll never know, because there is no sign of struggle or havoc, and the adults didn't know the kids were rebelling until someone told them. They want to be children again, like children on Earth. This problem could be easily resolved by banning the viewing of Earth TV on Mars, but instead Kimar, the cape-clad leader and his gang of moronic, tight-wearing martian minions set out to find Santa. They get all the way to Earth before they realize they have no clue where to find the jolly old elf (and they call themselves superior). To locate him, they ask then kidnap some stupid kids. They all head to the North Pole, where the kiddies escape, almost freeze to death in their skimpy skirts and stupid hats and hide from a vicious, man-eating polar bear costume (I kid you not) only to be captured by a robot one of the martians built after dumpster diving (you'll have to see that to get it). The martians storm Santa's workshop and lay the freeze-down on some elf behind and the Mrs. before taking the big man back with them. One of the Martians has a hairy creature living under his nose and is evil. He wants to 86 Santa and the Earthlings so the kids of Mars will stay in line. Not going to happen. I don't even feel like talking about Droppo. Must have taken three seconds to think up his name. In the end, Santa gets to come back to Earth after making everyone laugh. Thus begins the torture that is the annoying title song. Hooray for Santy Claus indeed...