Change Your Image
serrerus
Reviews
The Darkness (2016)
A horror film you shouldn't watched.
Ever get the feeling your watching a boo scare? This is the type of film that really gets you into the mood too not really like it at all. everytime i try to get into this, it tends to run itself out of energy by doing the 3 second rule of jump scares. it fully takes you out of the movie without really knowing why. This is the movie that tries too hard to be scary, but it just ends up being very loud, and full of itself. you know the movie you find in a dumpster near that garage sale you frequently visit and you wonder why they threw it out to begin with, so you go alright this could be fun, yet there is nothing about the darkness that breaths scare me, more then being a boo scare extravanganza.
One scene is an example, is when someone is in the bathroom doing the usual business, and out of nowhere comes a boo scares, then right as your about to relax and breath they turn theire head and all of a sudden it's another hell i'm going to shriek at you again kind of scare. not really having any build up to why they're scaring you too begin with. No setup not fun just a repeated cliche that doesn't know what it wants anymore. I'm deeply into kevin bacon as he's a great actor sometimes, and does a great time of macon bacon.
This just has issues finding its identity, and even if it does have the supernatural elements of native pride folklore, it really doesn't know how to keep itself alive without screaming at you. I'm an avid lover of horror, and this made me want to take it back to the dumper i found it from. This doesn't even belong in then 7-eleven bin down a highway somewhere that oddly sells movies for 50 cents for a 5 stack of movies in the used section. Even blockbuster would cry if this was in any section of the video store. Sorry.
Scare Me (2020)
Bin Movie with no heart.
I'm on the fence. the movie in itself is terrible. one of them movies you don't want to find, yet someone gives you, because they are bored, you got nothing to watch.so you put it on, and wonder why everything about the movie is so bad. it's familiar, it's cliche, it's too long, and all of the heart is just a big fart. I really wished it could of been better then it actually was. some of the fun was just shoved out the window. Low budget, overacting acting with friendly porno undertones. It's almost like we are watching a family film, run by people who think they are great at a craft they just threw something in to get paid. I'm into indie cinema, some of it is actually really good. This just reminded me of dated fun. Sometimes wondered if anything was dubbed, as the voices just didn't add up, to the type of movie they were in. you know i'm going to say my lines in really monotone ways, just to get it over with? you know friendship movies. It's hard to make a movie, yet when you make one that belongs in a bin some 7-eleven found in a long run down country road, and wonder if it's worth the twoonie it's asking for.I'm really into anthology movies,as some of them are really really good. this too long. Plus half the time it is not believable. okay let me tell you a story. there was a movie called millenial massacre, where these friends go on a camping trip to a vacation spot before a festival. only thing is. nobody really seems organic or real. Just a bunch of characters that are apart of the cancel culture majority. so basically the story is. the black man of the group goes into constant panic attack, and doesn't really contribute to anything, then to freak out and run away, and get away while stealing the park rangers truck,as he's fearing for his life, and never considered going back for his friends, and god this movie went on fore too long. the acting made me want to burn my eyes out and go watch something else, but i kept thinking this could get better right? nope then the 2 dollar gore came out. you know super glue on, and was made of plastic, and isn't looking fantastic?
I give this movie 0 banana cream pies for actually not even trying to do anything remotely different or fun, or at all fun. i'm thinking this was a one time pay off, and was done for hardly any care in the world. if you'd of cut off some of the main backstory of to why these stories exist and put in a greater budget and more care to actually get a performance out of your actors, and not make it look like an acting by numbers movie maybe i'd give it a better go. I think my brain just went another way. the opening scene on bench was the funniest part of the movie.listen i don't mind a good bad movie. Zombeavers,highway to hell, and some others if it pulls it off in a great manner. This just pulls it off so bad that you end up shouting at the movie screen wondering why you went too watch it in the first place. something you just go talking to. like imagine having a fight with your girl, and you wonder why you fighting, so the cops get called and you walk away, and someone goes where you going, and you reply i'm going home. You know you got another bin movie you don't want to see, but want to watch as you got nothing else to watch. I've got so many expletives to say, but It won't let me.actually care about the product. it's hard to make a full length. just don't blow it off as a 1 off.
Annabelle: Creation (2017)
bah eat me.
This movie is basically like a really bad potato you found on the end of the street. nothing fun, but at the same time it's full of crap. it truly doesn't know what it wants. it deals with the same tropes of every horror out there, and only manages to put 2 relatively cool tense scenes in it. that being near the end and the other maybe being in the middle i don't really give a rats monkey about it. it's one of them movies that will satisfy the satifyer that are content on a really OK horror film.
if your looking for an intelligent happy film with scenes of over the top christianty well your going to love it. it's full of clichés that your used to. it has scenes that do not make any sense somehow. like sure they do in a really boring way. you know daughter dies, family for some reason goes against there christians beliefs to get her back, only to be bombarded with jump scares galore. this is like birthday cake galore it's all over the place. basically tries to hard to be scary. really doesn't challenge anyone but the average potato. horror needs love again. we don't need by the numbers.
i give this movie 1 banana cream pie for trying to be funny twice, then making me watch the entire thing in complete and boring glee. i sat there watching at the screen. wondering why i'd waste my time with a by the numbers boo scare flick? I love horror. i just don't love it when it can't create a positively dark attitude.
this is merely Family Channel scary. this movie is for 12yr olds at a bad Sunday school class. it's good, but it just makes you go. i spent full price on this? there is not enough tea and toast to make me love this monkey of a film.
beware this movie is a trap. this is boo scare with no care.
The Babysitter (2017)
Satanically cute
well that was fun. a fun ol type of movie. it has the funniness of a comedy in parts and the tenseness of a really bad sci fi flick you find on some crap horror channel in some random town outside Minnesota. see it's a simple story about a satanic country gal that oddly came out of a dolly parton try out session.she for some reason believes that taking the blood of virgin and the blood of a really weird child with overthink syndrome. thing is this kid for some reason is smarter then them and for some reason can outsmart then and make them die in really innocent and violent ways. almost like a fast paced and violently violent home alone, but this time he accidentally kills them in hilarious ways. yes this movie is a lot of fun. The Babysitter jus has this odd happiness to it, but my main monkey about the film is the ending just felt soo bad. it was almost used for a pacing issues instead of making a really creative ending. i for the most part enjoyed every minute of this act or violence. things get going at around the 14 to 25 minute mark. good for a time killer and when you gotta stoner buddy you forgot to invite over. it's fun, stupid, clichéd and random. you know like a piece of old moldy cheesecake. fun times. i give this movie 2 banana cream pies for actually trying to be entertaining in a non scary way, and had a really interesting kid character that oddly came out of a i'm too smart catalogue. it's almost like he was over studying the situations,and out of nowhere becomes an accidental sociopathic psycho with murdering abilities. yes this kid offs people without a care. it's almost like he enjoys going full rambo on there butt holes. this is a fun action horror flick with a happy 80's feel. just a lot of fun. it flowed and died quiet happily. this is the movie you wanna watch as a homage to the accidents of the 80's.
Pitchfork (2016)
what the potato
just so you know i love horror movies. i really do,but when you make a movie about a killer that has slim Jim pitch fork fingers for hands. you begin to question the crap your watching as it reminds me of a really bad gwar band that had a bad day off at Sunday camp and created a family accident. this was a cheap and lazy attempt at recreating an 80's like slasher flick. this movie reminds me of some retard on a bike just screaming a bunch of monkey at people, and for some reason has a camera. yes he found this camera and decided it was a cool idea to make a horror movie about an era he knew nothing about. there is no amount of love in this movie.
everything is sloppily done. like everything was either taken in one take or for some reason decided they should cheap monkey it. every person in this film in unrelatable and basically murder trash for the guy with the slim Jim glove. the kills are crap. you know if your gonna make your film look like it was lit like and 80's movie or something out of that era. you sure got everything wrong. the colours, the overdone over done lighting. i mean it looked like i was in a very bad painting by bob Ross. it just didn't have anything. each and every dark or tense scene looked like it was made in broad daylight, and then decided it would be cooler to turn every single thing all the way up and said cool i'm OK with that. oddly enough this movie does look like it was made for 35 cents and the staff were paid in Tim Horton's coffee omg.
i didn't like anyone. you know the moment an actor looks like a Calvin Klein model but sounds like your cousins husband George. you really really really need to stop and think. why am i hear and why is my son almost exactly the same age as me. yes they dyed someones hair to makem look like they were old. each scene was full of stupidity. i give this movie four censored you's and a preztel. this movie also gets the dreadful 0 banana cream pie for being an absolute trite of a film. you clearly know nothing about creep factor. you just took every bad trope from that era, put them in odd spots that don't make sense, then for some blatantly bad lazy idea you decide it's cool to look like we're in a weird part of town that people over act in. you made every scene boring, you made every scene feel cheap and uncaring. yes everything was so over the top, the 80's felt offended.
who lit this movie. sure the concept and movie is fun, but when your advertising yourself as an intensely scary movie, with 80's tropes and ordeals. don't censor it up by not knowing what the hell your doing. man. get the look right. don't get no censored sausage hand finger man after me man. how is that scary? that's like asking me out to dinner and saying i'm the sausage man and need a bun. stop making lazy horror. i know this stuff is cool, but if your going to make horror make it right. don't turn it into a child friendly movie about a man that for some reason decides to kill cuz they came onto his property. god this movie needs to go eat at a Denny's and censor off. god. this is worse then listening to Kenny g playing his clairnet. it's just horrible. i'd rather eat pizza pizza then watch this again.