I want to take the time to give this thing a longer review, but it's shockingly bad it just doesn't deserve it. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue is appalling, the bastardisation of the tale unforgivable, and the simple truth is the writer must be assumedly so ashamed they probably didn't mind giving up the credit.
Transformers.
Yes, they put transformers in a bible tale. Whichever development idiot did this deserves state execution, not just industry pariahdom. It's a *stunning* new depth of dumb. That meeting must have been a crack-pipe fest.
it just goes on in how embarrassingly stupid it is: nauseating, superficial nonsense from superficial people. Reading it on paper must have been painful, and i have no idea how anyone kept a straight face at any stage of it.
This is what happens when screenwriters go so militant on the rules they make up in order to patronise each other with. There needs to be an "enemy" to create "obstacles"; whilst the character has to go through a "struggle" to find a "motivation" on their "journey" and be "likeable". It needs "tension" and a circus-style build-up.
These are things you emphasise if you have no story. "Stories" that apparently "need" this template nonsense shouldn't be made into films, full-stop. Yet again it's meddling studio people thinking they need to make the story "better" after their 44th 3rd-grade read of "Save the Cat" or the "Hero's Journey". The kind of people who make your favorite rug "better" by urinating all over it.
You'll end up wishing you were the one drowned or sacrificially murdered. If i ever meet the guy who thought up the transformers, truly, i am going to punch him in the face. The only things they forgot to include were Russell Crowe's poetry, dinosaurs, and explosions. Do not insult yourself with this listless trash.
Transformers.
Yes, they put transformers in a bible tale. Whichever development idiot did this deserves state execution, not just industry pariahdom. It's a *stunning* new depth of dumb. That meeting must have been a crack-pipe fest.
- The apocalyptic Hunger Games-style world is back. Only this time, they don't land on Mount Ararat; the dreadful Emma Watson gets to try to look sincere on the beach where they probably filmed "Lost".
- Animals all get special magic gas to sleep.
- Noah is a child-killing religious fanatic who is very concerned about the environment, like a good West Coast liberal voter Hindu who's just really a bit irretrievably tormented by his own self-loathing and inner conflict. Or an American Indian.
- God is now pretentiously and sanctimoniously referred to as "the creator", by execs who can't quite stomach calling him God. How awkward.
- Noah's grandfather has special magic powers, like Gandalf. And lives on a magic mountain.
- All the old, worst God tropes: man justifying himself, moral relativism masked as "truthy" rhetorical Instagram "wisdom", praying to an empty sky, isn't love all that matters even though we are violent murderers etc.
- All Judeo-Christian references, gone. Presumably not to turn off atheist viewers who would never watch it in the first place, or to be politically correct (or something).
it just goes on in how embarrassingly stupid it is: nauseating, superficial nonsense from superficial people. Reading it on paper must have been painful, and i have no idea how anyone kept a straight face at any stage of it.
This is what happens when screenwriters go so militant on the rules they make up in order to patronise each other with. There needs to be an "enemy" to create "obstacles"; whilst the character has to go through a "struggle" to find a "motivation" on their "journey" and be "likeable". It needs "tension" and a circus-style build-up.
These are things you emphasise if you have no story. "Stories" that apparently "need" this template nonsense shouldn't be made into films, full-stop. Yet again it's meddling studio people thinking they need to make the story "better" after their 44th 3rd-grade read of "Save the Cat" or the "Hero's Journey". The kind of people who make your favorite rug "better" by urinating all over it.
You'll end up wishing you were the one drowned or sacrificially murdered. If i ever meet the guy who thought up the transformers, truly, i am going to punch him in the face. The only things they forgot to include were Russell Crowe's poetry, dinosaurs, and explosions. Do not insult yourself with this listless trash.
Tell Your Friends