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Hellraiser (2022)
Horrific ... ly Bad
Why remake a classic, especially one that is still churning out sequels that in my mind are better than this trash. A massive thing has been made about the Lead Cenobite, Pinhead, not being played by Doug Bradley or even a male actor. Fine by me, but don't then distort the actors voice to make Pinhead sound more ominous and threatening. Seeing recent headlines about how much gore is in this film, just over an hour in and we've only seen three or four people get a cut on their hands. Onto the Cenobites, gone has the black-clad genuinely scary visions of mutilated horror from the original films. We now have the torn flesh look of the Cenobites seemingly obtained by dressing the actors in clear plastic raincoats. Also look out for the possible new addition to the Cenobites, Pasta Machine Guy. All in all, the most horrific thing in this film is Riley's lips, and the fact that every two sentences they need licking, very off-putting. Think I'll go and watch Ecks vs Sever. A couple of times to rid my brain of how bad this new Hellraiser film is.
Spaceship (2016)
Stoner Film Students Just Do Nothing
This film has the look and feel as if some film students had numerous ideas for what they thought would be great psychedelic set pieces and then tried to cobble them together with a very,very thin storyline about a father trying to find his missing daughter.
There are numerous secondary storyline arcs (an archaeological dig, a teenage vampire and a dominatrix and her slave) that make no sense around these set pieces that are accompanied by terrible synthesiser music and lots of slow motion of youngsters dancing, being high and chatting utter rubbish.
Looking at the only adult in this film and essentially the person who holds the plotline together, the father, he teeters precariously on the borderline of caring father and middle aged pervert.
Film is an artform and just because you put hi-glow paint on the actors does not make this film art !
Predator: Dark Ages (2015)
Everybody deserves another instalment of the Predator!
Before Arnie, before Danny Glover, before AVP there was KVP - Knights vs. Predator.
Gripped from the beginning like any fan of the "Hollywood" movies would be, we observe the potential 'prequel' to the Predator series.
How would humans with limited resources and a God fearing complex handle the Predator - well, we find out!
And now for the bad things!
The guy who dies first was clearly obvious - Paddy off 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' is quite a good actor!
The Saracen (foreigner) was lame - if he spoke like Yoda "seriously taken him we could have".
The Knight who delivers a reinterpretation of the classic "you ain't afraid of no man," from the original Predator movie, looks like he should be afraid of every man, especially the bullies at his high school!
The hero of the hour (Clive Owens stunt double), fought a great battle with a vertically challenged Predator! By that I mean the Predator wasn't tall enough!
Brutal honesty - I would pay money to see this at a theatre, it had a stylish production and I will be looking out for future releases from this team of dedicated movie makers.
Mark Macready and the Archangel Murders (2009)
Nice Story For Low Budget Film - Promises Good Things For The Future
Mark 'Mac' Macready awakes in hospital after his wife is abducted by the demonic Archangel Killer. In a fraught race against time to rescue his beloved from certain death Mac must overcome his vitriolic boss and a host of demons to get her back.
This film is ultra low-budget but its creators have shown writing skills and filming styles that, given a bigger budget and wider audience, could soon become household names. However, one of the downsides to this film is some of the acting - raised eyebrows and head-nodding do not constitute Shakespearian Thespianism.
Another downside is the likability of the main character, the comedic one liners and swearing tried too hard to make the character liked by the audience, however given the 30 minute run-time it is hard to bond with and feel sympathy with the character in such a short time.
The camera work and direction show promise and the soundtrack was an inspired piece of work. Given the budget, the monster effects and gore were excellent, far better than those seen on Buffy The Vampire Slayer and other mainstream shows.
All in all I would definitely like to see a feature film length release of this short film that will take the story further into the demonic underbelly of Manchester. I hope all members of the cast & crew, writers and director etc. go on to great things, or if not, can at least look back on their experience and say "we gave it a shot and we had a blast!"
Halloween (2007)
Had This Been An Original Film It Would Be A Horror Classic
When I first heard of a Halloween remake ("it's actually a re-imagining" someone involved with the film quoted) I was utterly disgusted. Where have all the good writers gone, can no-one be arsed to make a genuinely new film, there's so many re-makes out there they're coming out of my ears, I can't hear my self think! Apart from Saw there have been no original horror films released for a decade, and unfortunately Saw has opened up the flood gates for too many horror/torture films to be released that they are now old hat.
I think back a year or so and you have another John Carpenter classic being re-made - The Fog - it was utter tripe, worst film ever! So with semi-bated breath I sit down to watch Rob Zombie's Halloween ...
... and I was blown away.
The back story about how a cute little kid became a mask wearing psycho is excellent, no boring chat for half of the film with no real action but great story telling, great acting and some great acts of violence.
This is what I wanna see when I watch a horror movie and it's even got the original John Carpenter synthesizer theme tune (you could play that tune during a Bugs Bunny film and you'd be looking over your shoulder for someone lurking in the shadows) Why it was deemed this film needed an updated version making, I don't know, how Rob Zombie went from awful House Of 1,000 Corpses to the bizarre sequel The Devils Rejects to a remake of Halloween is anyone's guess, but I am glad he did.
Point to note - Malcolm McDowell acted his socks off !
Hot Fuzz (2007)
Not As Good As Shaun Of The Dead
Q - How much was I looking forward to watching this film?
A - A lot.
This film has been the most hyped up film in British history, I think this kind of spoiled it for me. Saying that, I don't want to put any of you off - it was great.
The film was not as fast paced as I expected during the first hour, however the funny one liners between Simon Pegg and Nick Frost were brilliant.
The brutally gory killings held my interest ten fold. If at any point in this film you want to stop watching, you would be a fool to do so.
The explosive climax to this film beats any Hollywood blockbuster hands down. Can't wait for another collaboration from these guys.
P.S. - If you get the chance, check out Nick Frost in Danger 50,000 Volts, a mockumentry TV show.
Attack Force (2006)
Typical Post 2001 Seagal Fare
OK, sit-down, drink plenty of booze, suspend disbelief and you will enjoy this film.
Whilst watching this film I did not understand why Mr Seagal's voice was 'curiously' dubbed, I thought his dulcet whispering tones could not be heard after shooting and the production teams couldn't afford to get him to re-record. I have since found out that the dubbing was due to plot changes in post-production. I never noticed that the dubbing was done for this reason (plenty of booze!).
If everyone can see past the dubbing, the continuity errors, and the overall cheap feel to this film it is a rip-roaring collaboration of exiting ideas that gel together, not brilliantly - but do work.
This film will keep you entertained whilst you watch it - fights, guns, good looking girls, bad guys doing bad things - its all there.
Onto 'The Man' himself - Steven is getting old, he has put on some weight - please will everyone stop picking on him. If Sly Stallone, Harrison Ford & Bruce Willis can release sequels to there greatest ever roles at their ages, why can't Steven Seagal release another mindless action film! I would like to see any of you lot try to fight bad guys when you are in your fifties.
Having said that I would like to see Steven in a more challenging acting role, I can see him as a Mafia boss (without the long hair) like Jack Nicholson in the Departed. Any producers or directors out there want to give him a chance?
Imagine if you would Steven Seagal as Bill in Kill Bill (pause for thought) - nuff said!
When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Absolute Garbage
This film carries about as much suspense as an episode of Emmerdale ! The film breaks down like this :-
A girl is babysitting, she gets prank phone calls, and it turns out the phone calls are coming from inside the house. SCARY ! 10 minutes from the end the "killer" pops up, chases the girl round the house, then the police arrive. BORING.
Oh, I almost forgot, they have a dream sequence at the end where the girl thinks the killer is still after her.
Whoever made this film should be tortured.
There is no reason given why the killer likes to kill people, why on earth has a teenage girl who is babysitting not got a mobile phone and keeps answering the house phone anyway ?
How on earth did the killer get into the most impenetrable house in the first place ?
Dear director - make better films !
Silent Hill (2006)
Worst Film Ever !!!!!
Having enjoyed recent video game adaptations such as Resident Evil and Doom, I was looking forward to watching Silent Hill. I have played all the Silent Hill games and thought they were excellent.
I had heard some reviews state that players of the game will recognise parts of the game in the film so, I watched the film, if you can call it a film !
After 40 minutes I wanted to turn it off but thought it would get better, after an hour and a half it hadn't got any better and was still nowhere near the end. (it's about 2 hours long)
The suspense and creepy manner of the game just did not show through at all in the movie. My girlfriend even said that the monsters were about as scary at the Teletubbies !
The film actually came across as though watching someone else play the video game, but with much worse acting than you get in the game.
The only redeeming feature about this film is that Laurie Holden (the Motorcycle Cop) looks well hot in her uniform !
Nochnoy dozor (2004)
Big Holes In This Film
Was really looking forward to watching this film, everyone said it's the best thing out of Russia since Vodka.
I waited for the DVD release with a dubbed English version cos I don't pay the money at a cinema to "read" a film. I knew it was part of a trilogy but thought there would have been some kind of "proper" ending to this instalment but there wasn't so I was a little perturbed by this (Lord Of The Rings syndrome is getting everywhere these days)
But for all those film fans out there who don't care about my opinions, I will stick to the facts.
This film promised a lot more than it delivered, there were huge plot gaps that took me ages to figure out what the hell was going on.
I know you are gonna say "well it's supernatural, you can't understand everything about it." Yeah, but most of the time I was trying to piece together who was doing what and for what reason, not cos I didn't understand the supernatural bits.
There was no narrative parts of the script that kept everything flowing, just lots of scenes lashed together to try to create a stylish film.
That said and after having a good think about it, I enjoyed this film and will be looking forward to the sequels.
The Fog (2005)
"The Fog - 2005" AKA "The Fog - Worst Re-make Ever!"
I know John Carpenter had a hand in this re-make of his classic film, I saw on the advertising that he was quoted as saying "even scarier than the original." I think his quote was edited and he really said "we tried to make this movie even scarier than the original - but failed miserably!"
Never have I watched a film so boring.
I could watch the original every day for a year and still have my adrenalin pumping and be looking over my shoulder in case the fog was coming to get me every single time.
The re-make had no horror or tension anywhere.
I must admit the special effects of the fog coming in were pretty good, better than the dry ice of the original, and the camera work was pretty slick, but who cares about that when watching a horror?
The film only made me jump once, or rather made my girlfriend cuddled up next to me jump, causing me to spill my beer. Worst of all, you only get to see 2 or 3 people die. The rest of them were thrown through windows, I thought I was watching an episode of the A-Team - half expecting someone to jump of a roof on to one of the ghosts backs.
Basically - don't watch this film. I am now going to watch the original Fog and probably soil my pants whilst watching it!
Hoodwinked! (2005)
Don't Dog This Movie
Saw an interview with one of the Weinsteins, and thought that this movie looks like my cup of tea.
To all you people out there who don't like the animation - wake up! Did you see the fur effect on the wolf - his facial hair was better than mine!
As for the storyline - quality. Its like Pulp Fiction (bad MF) meets The Usual Suspects (who is Kaiser Soze) with the comedy genius of anything with Will Ferrell in it, all mixed up and coloured in for the kids.
Adults and children alike will enjoy this. The little touches that really bring the characters to life are thrown in all over the place.
The way of telling each characters perspective of the version of events that lead up to The Wolf meeting Red Riding Hood at Grandma's house is excellent, those little irrelevant details that are dotted around the picture come together at the end of the movie like a smack to the jaw.
The only down side of this film is that I could see the ending a mile off (probably not to confuse the kids), but hell, I'm 26 and still watching cartoons !
Look out for The Goat and The Wolfs sidekick, side-splitting comedy.