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Reviews
Somewhere Quiet (2023)
Maybe the worst movie I've ever seen
I typically approach films with an open mind, understanding that art is subjective, but "Somewhere Quiet" left me bewildered and disappointed. From the outset, the film struggles to establish a coherent narrative, meandering through scenes with little to no purpose. The dialogue attempted to be profound but often felt forced and pretentious, leaving the characters to flounder without depth or relatable qualities.
The cinematography, which could have been the saving grace, was uninspired, failing to capture any visual interest that might have compensated for the lackluster storyline. The pacing was another downfall; what was intended to be slow and suspenseful instead came off as sluggish and tedious.
The performances were equally underwhelming, with actors delivering their lines as if they were just as confused about the film's direction as I was. It's a shame to see talent go to waste, but not even the most skilled performers could have breathed life into such a poorly written script.
"Somewhere Quiet" was a film that I had hoped would offer a peaceful introspection but instead left me with a feeling of restlessness and frustration. It's one cinematic experience I would not recommend, and certainly one I won't revisit.
Ghosted (2023)
Ghosted: A Spectacular Wig-tastrophe with a Dash of Plastic Perfection
In the realm of major budget films, one might assume that everything from the costumes to the makeup would be of the highest quality. However, the latest Apple TV release, "Ghosted," has proven to us that not even a colossal budget can save a film from utter disaster.
The film's most glaring issue? Anna de Armas' wig. Sporting a hairstyle that looks like a relic from a 1980s prom, de Armas' cheap wig takes center stage, overshadowing her performance. The unnatural hump in the back and the inconsistent middle hairline make it impossible to focus on anything else. The wig's lack of bounce could be forgiven if only it would stay put in one place. It's hard to believe that a production of this magnitude could fail so spectacularly in the hair department.
"Ghosted" is a prime example of a movie that misses the mark on every level. The story itself is so abysmal, it feels as though it was written by a malfunctioning AI, like a lesser version of ChatGPT. The painful experience of watching this movie leaves you longing for the creative genius of even the most mediocre AI-generated film ideas.
This film is yet another underwhelming offering from Apple's CEO, "Timid Tim," whose paralyzing fear of political incorrectness and offending anyone has led to the creation of soulless and dull entertainment. Timid Tim's excessive caution has resulted in final products devoid of originality or vision. It's as though he convened a legion of focus groups, only to cherry-pick the safest, most unimaginative choices, leaving us with a bland and uninspiring cinematic experience.
Chris Evans, usually a reliable presence, doesn't escape the film's curse either. Sporting a cut on his face that miraculously remains bright red the next day (a perplexing makeup choice), Evans' performance is overshadowed by his thick layer of makeup and botox-filler infested face. The result is a plastic-looking Captain America, unable to save this film from its inevitable doom.
In conclusion, "Ghosted" on Apple TV is a train wreck of epic proportions. With its painfully bad wigs, laughable makeup choices, and a story that could only have been conceived by a malfunctioning AI, it takes the crown for the worst film in recent memory. Save yourself the torment and avoid this movie at all costs.
Serenity (2019)
This was actually a very good little film. I don't understand the hate???
I've never written a review before but I must say, I felt compelled to say something after seeing all the negative reviews. I really enjoyed this movie. It was kind of like a hybrid of The Truman Show and The Matrix. Maybe I enjoyed it so much because I'm a computer programmer myself and know that we are not many years away from creating virtual simulations as portrayed in Serenity?? It's very easy to believe that AI programs will be living inside larger programs created by humans and the AI will be completely unaware of the fact that they are in fact programs. Which begs the question, are we, as humans, already living inside a simulation? Elon Musk seems to think so. So yeah, I think this movie is super relevant for the times but I can see how some, especially if you're not a computer programmer, wouldn't get what it's about. I read some of these reviews and it's just patently obvious that many people completely missed the point of this film. Anyone that codes for a living, you will find this film very interesting. Trust me folks, we are probably only a decade away from what is shown in Serenity. The Singularity is coming sooner than you think.