Review of Commando

Commando (1985)
7/10
Stallone never had to deal with this!
2 July 2002
Apparently, after a horrifying appointment with his hair stylist. Arnold attempts to quietly retire with his Supercuts settlement money , Alyssa Milano (too young) , and 4000 guns and weapons. Apparently a heavily steroid abusing Freddy Mercury wants revenge for either a lousy tip or being forced to use a lousy Aussie accent. This may lower your opinion of Freddy, but remember his absolute brilliant performance at Live Aid as a redeeming factor.

Anyways, Arnold's daughter (Alyssa) gets kidnapped by Freddy. This really ticks off Arnold. Future tip: If you are flying coach with Arnold, give up the window seat, as he hates the aisle. I MEAN HE REALLY HATES THE AISLE SEAT! You know how the beverage cart bangs you in the elbow and then the stewardess says, `Watch your elbow'? One to many times for Arnold and he snaps, if you get my meaning. Bad guy exiting gives Arnold 11 hours, pick up a date, kill a member of a '80's rock group, destroy a classic MG and keyboardist and a pair of undersized, discounted Speedos to go after his daughter. Arnold KILLS everyone! If you had a relative in California in the '80's, Arnold kills him or her in this movie. I lost count after the first 18 or 20 million. I mean he goes as far as killing one bad guy with an 8' Black & Decker fine tooth table saw blade. This blade was introduced in the late 70s's to cut laminates, wall board and minimum wage movie bad guys.

The BIG SHOWDOWN happens when Psychotic Freddy Mercury is interrupted from singing `We are the Champions' . Ginsu showdown ensues with improper a/c duct relocating applied and Freddy convinced that he should stay with Queen.. Of course I could say `Another bites the Dust' , but I wont.

The entire Hollywood Special Op's Forces show up EXACTLY 23 seconds too late. Rae Dawn Chong , Alyssa Milano , the Speedos and his Supercuts money safe AND a Porsche, to recover his daughter. At this point he deplanes, runs into `Quest for Fire's ` Rae Dawn Chong', seat aborts a really nice MG and chases down the lead singer of Wang Chung, totals MG and punishes Wang for violations against humanity.

Nick Tortelli of `Cheers' seems to be the Madman behind the scene , having taken over the very strange and exotic province of `Santo DeCheesmo' a small , yet diminutive isle first settled by poor soles affilicated by a rare , yet fatal diseases : Bad Acting. His Supercuts stock being lowered by Arnold's settlement , he has Freddy kidnap Arnold's daughter and hires the entire Columbian , Nicaraguan , Costa Rican and Peruvian Marching Bands to guard her. Nick was never smart with his money nor his taste in music.

Hilarity ensues as Arnold mortgages EVERYTHING for his rubber dingy, some weapons, bad dialogue, dry ice, his kettledrum player
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