Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the cheap cable show, a cult favorite, in which a guy and two plastic puppets watch movies so bad that the only proper reaction is to mock and laugh at them. Repeats can still be seen Saturday mornings on the Sci-Fi channel.
Unfortunately, some recent big-budget Hollywood movies are so astonishingly bad that laughter is the only appropriate response. Battlefield Earth was one, Stallone's Get Carter remake was another, and 3000 Miles to Graceland is surely a third.
Be warned that 1,000 words can only begin to describe just how bad this movie is.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
The opening scenes for Russell, Courtney and Costner are extraordinarily lame. Russell and Courtney engage in the two funniest sex scenes I've seen in any movie, then Russell puts a Snickers bar on Courtney's pillow, because she told him that if the lovemaking was nice he should give her chocolate.
Russell dons his Elvis regalia, and heads for Vegas. The director uses LOTS of obnoxious speeded-up film to get there quickly, while a brainless techno beat drones on the soundtrack. Costner finally lumbers into view in his Elvis regalia, looking uncomfortable; then he and the other crooks march into the casino like they're the Wild Bunch or the Untouchables or the Reservoir Dogs.
The casino heist should be an impressive set-piece, but it's hilariously brainless. The crooks march down an ordinary hallway (no guards or security checkpoints) and come to an ordinary door (no guards, just one camera). They unload a huge arsenal from their guitar cases (of course they weren't checked by security), and only then do they spray the camera that's recording them! The lock on the door is pathetic, and the crooks break in easily. A guy gets up, Costner breaks his face with his shotgun, then says `All right! Everybody STAY COOL!' Of course the counting room is filmed in a barfy blue color, and the director shakes the camera like Oliver Stone would.
The crooks do nothing about the security cameras in the room, so of course they're spotted and guards move in as they cross the gaming area. Since Slater and the others are carrying their automatic weapons in plain view, their Elvis disguises are useless. Why did they even bother? Because the director wanted to film a shoot-out in which guys dressed like Elvis kill lots of people, and that's precisely what happens.
The shoot-out is so badly directed (guards hurry into view like video-game targets so Costner and friends can mow them down in slow motion), appallingly edited (What the hell is happening?), and accompanied by such junky music that it practically embodies bad film-making. Get aspirin or Dramamine from your medicine cabinet before watching this dizzyingly bad sequence.
Post-heist, Costner shoots the others (even Russell) in an unsurprising double-cross. But he runs into a coyote (seriously!) and suffers head injury from the accident, an amazingly stupid contrivance that allows Russell (his vest stopped Costner's bullets) to escape with the loot after negotiating with Courtney in an extremely tiresome and badly written scene.
The movie's second act alternates between annoying scenes with Russell and Courtney and revolting scenes with Costner, whose astonishingly pathetic performance cannot be condemned enough. He obviously didn't care whether the movie was good, only that the check was good. Ditto for Russell, though he at least appears honestly embarrassed in most of his scenes. Being in this movie, apparently, was punishment enough.
One atrocious scene shows Costner stopping at a gas station with a B-25 (I think) perched on top. Why is the plane there? So Costner can drop a flowing gas nozzle on the ground (while turtle-brained music plays), light a cigarette, then drop it as he drives away, exploding the station and sending the plane into the air, the director filming this from several different angles in SLOW MOTION!
The movie's nauseating third quarter is actually relieved by its hilariously bad finale: after chasing Courtney's car down with a van (the director films this chase in jerky fast-motion photography, playing some rock garbage to make the whole sequence as bottom-of-the-barrel as possible), and literally kicking Courtney's butt, Costner says `Now what I want, is my money.ALL OF IT!' Such dialogue, when combined with Costner's uniquely pathetic delivery, becomes hilarious.
Her son now Costner's hostage, Courtney confronts Russell on his boat to beg his help. He doesn't believe her, so she starts crying.and her crying is so pathetic! It's the single worst piece of acting in the entire movie, and one of its funniest moments! I'm surprised that no other comment has mentioned it.
Russell and Costner meet in an abandoned warehouse (!), where Russell distracts Costner with a duffel bag of newspaper instead of THE MONEY, and several SWAT teams arrive. Costner tells Russell `You're going back in a bag!', and shoots him (again!). Russell hits the ground, the rumble music starts, and Costner starts running around killing dozens of SWAT guys, who can't hit him even once, despite their laser sights, the help of searchlights, and the confined area. Costner and his two remaining accomplices (Howie Long and Ice-T) murder lawmen on a scale resembling the massacres at Ruby Ridge and Waco, Texas.
Trapped and wounded in the warehouse office, Costner looks over at a mirror and says `You recognize me now?.'Cause I recognize YEW!' Shooting the mirror, he turns to face the encircling SWAT team, watches their laser sights dance on his chest, and starts shooting. They shoot him into hamburger, Clyde Barrow-like, and he drops beside a toilet, Elvis-like, completing a mesmerizingly awful death-scene.
Costner, Russell and Courtney and assorted others really drove their movie careers into the ground with this stupid, pretentious, mean-spirited and incoherent movie; it's a career nadir for both Russell and Costner, remarkable considering their share of bad movies. I give it a point each for, respectively, the amazingly stupid direction, the unintentionally funny dialogue, and the unforgettably pathetic performances. Watch and laugh.
Rating: 4
Unfortunately, some recent big-budget Hollywood movies are so astonishingly bad that laughter is the only appropriate response. Battlefield Earth was one, Stallone's Get Carter remake was another, and 3000 Miles to Graceland is surely a third.
Be warned that 1,000 words can only begin to describe just how bad this movie is.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
The opening scenes for Russell, Courtney and Costner are extraordinarily lame. Russell and Courtney engage in the two funniest sex scenes I've seen in any movie, then Russell puts a Snickers bar on Courtney's pillow, because she told him that if the lovemaking was nice he should give her chocolate.
Russell dons his Elvis regalia, and heads for Vegas. The director uses LOTS of obnoxious speeded-up film to get there quickly, while a brainless techno beat drones on the soundtrack. Costner finally lumbers into view in his Elvis regalia, looking uncomfortable; then he and the other crooks march into the casino like they're the Wild Bunch or the Untouchables or the Reservoir Dogs.
The casino heist should be an impressive set-piece, but it's hilariously brainless. The crooks march down an ordinary hallway (no guards or security checkpoints) and come to an ordinary door (no guards, just one camera). They unload a huge arsenal from their guitar cases (of course they weren't checked by security), and only then do they spray the camera that's recording them! The lock on the door is pathetic, and the crooks break in easily. A guy gets up, Costner breaks his face with his shotgun, then says `All right! Everybody STAY COOL!' Of course the counting room is filmed in a barfy blue color, and the director shakes the camera like Oliver Stone would.
The crooks do nothing about the security cameras in the room, so of course they're spotted and guards move in as they cross the gaming area. Since Slater and the others are carrying their automatic weapons in plain view, their Elvis disguises are useless. Why did they even bother? Because the director wanted to film a shoot-out in which guys dressed like Elvis kill lots of people, and that's precisely what happens.
The shoot-out is so badly directed (guards hurry into view like video-game targets so Costner and friends can mow them down in slow motion), appallingly edited (What the hell is happening?), and accompanied by such junky music that it practically embodies bad film-making. Get aspirin or Dramamine from your medicine cabinet before watching this dizzyingly bad sequence.
Post-heist, Costner shoots the others (even Russell) in an unsurprising double-cross. But he runs into a coyote (seriously!) and suffers head injury from the accident, an amazingly stupid contrivance that allows Russell (his vest stopped Costner's bullets) to escape with the loot after negotiating with Courtney in an extremely tiresome and badly written scene.
The movie's second act alternates between annoying scenes with Russell and Courtney and revolting scenes with Costner, whose astonishingly pathetic performance cannot be condemned enough. He obviously didn't care whether the movie was good, only that the check was good. Ditto for Russell, though he at least appears honestly embarrassed in most of his scenes. Being in this movie, apparently, was punishment enough.
One atrocious scene shows Costner stopping at a gas station with a B-25 (I think) perched on top. Why is the plane there? So Costner can drop a flowing gas nozzle on the ground (while turtle-brained music plays), light a cigarette, then drop it as he drives away, exploding the station and sending the plane into the air, the director filming this from several different angles in SLOW MOTION!
The movie's nauseating third quarter is actually relieved by its hilariously bad finale: after chasing Courtney's car down with a van (the director films this chase in jerky fast-motion photography, playing some rock garbage to make the whole sequence as bottom-of-the-barrel as possible), and literally kicking Courtney's butt, Costner says `Now what I want, is my money.ALL OF IT!' Such dialogue, when combined with Costner's uniquely pathetic delivery, becomes hilarious.
Her son now Costner's hostage, Courtney confronts Russell on his boat to beg his help. He doesn't believe her, so she starts crying.and her crying is so pathetic! It's the single worst piece of acting in the entire movie, and one of its funniest moments! I'm surprised that no other comment has mentioned it.
Russell and Costner meet in an abandoned warehouse (!), where Russell distracts Costner with a duffel bag of newspaper instead of THE MONEY, and several SWAT teams arrive. Costner tells Russell `You're going back in a bag!', and shoots him (again!). Russell hits the ground, the rumble music starts, and Costner starts running around killing dozens of SWAT guys, who can't hit him even once, despite their laser sights, the help of searchlights, and the confined area. Costner and his two remaining accomplices (Howie Long and Ice-T) murder lawmen on a scale resembling the massacres at Ruby Ridge and Waco, Texas.
Trapped and wounded in the warehouse office, Costner looks over at a mirror and says `You recognize me now?.'Cause I recognize YEW!' Shooting the mirror, he turns to face the encircling SWAT team, watches their laser sights dance on his chest, and starts shooting. They shoot him into hamburger, Clyde Barrow-like, and he drops beside a toilet, Elvis-like, completing a mesmerizingly awful death-scene.
Costner, Russell and Courtney and assorted others really drove their movie careers into the ground with this stupid, pretentious, mean-spirited and incoherent movie; it's a career nadir for both Russell and Costner, remarkable considering their share of bad movies. I give it a point each for, respectively, the amazingly stupid direction, the unintentionally funny dialogue, and the unforgettably pathetic performances. Watch and laugh.
Rating: 4