Clean House (2003–2011)
how extraordinarily annoying!
24 June 2004
First things first. This kind of reality show depends mostly on the hosts and the people who carry this thing. The hosts of "Clean House" are probably the most annoying people ever to roam through your house. Niecy "oh my gawd" Nash, Michael "fashion police" Moloney, Allen "i'm so funny" Lee Haff and Linda "label-lover" Koopersmith all have their specific duties. Niecy's duty is to confirm the cliché about black women, being very loud and noisy, and having an attitude the size of Oregon. Allen organizes the yard sale, which could have been okay without his constant trying to be witty. The same goes for Michael Moloney, who confirms the cliché of the fashionable stylish gay man, but without being good at it. I'll cut Linda a little slack, cause she does have some good ideas, although i don't see why you should label EVERY single box in your house, which are all see-through..

Next, the show. The process is always the same. The four hosts roam through the house, they occasionally make some witty comments, Michael shows his sense of style by uttering phrases as "that is sooo ten-years-ago", and they 'convince' the people who live there to 'let go' of most of their stuff. Almost always there is some "woman-to-woman" thing between Niecy and the female occupant, or some "boys will be boys" fun between Allen and the male occupant. Next they put up a yard sale, with the recurring joke of Niecy carrying a very small object and then complaining about the hard work. Some more witty comments guarantee a lot of fun. The money that is earned is doubled by the Clean House production team, and it is divided between Michael and Linda to give some rooms a facelift.

Now, those facelifts. I am absolutely stunned by what they do, but not in a good way. Okay, Linda does some great work with her labelgun, but hey, putting the same stuff together in boxes isn't that hard after all. Now it is Michael's job to redecorate, which means to paint, lay tiles, hang curtains, change fabrics etc. But they do it the way théy want to see it, not how the occupants would like to see it. For example, they gave a guy who works at home a very tacky antique desk, complete with marble top, but with nothing on it. Such a desk would have been great in a manager's office of the London Bank, but not in a home office! Looks great, but is as useful as having a mailbox in your bathroom. Another example: the occupants had hung up some temporary curtains over the windows to make the guestroom dark, so people could sleep there. Michael removed these, cause "they were sooo ugly" but he didn't bother to put some new up. Why do you think there were curtains in the first place?? The show is filled with these kinds of stupid redecorations. Another example: a breakfast corner was painted completely white, which means walls, floor, chairs, table, everything white. A breakfast corner usually gets a lot of sun, but with the white everywhere, you probably don't want to go in there without a pair of sunglasses.

This show replaced "Debbie Travis' facelift" on our local network, so I can't help but compare. "Facelift" is all this show is not. Debbie Travis is a real host, an excellent designer and a joy to watch. You can watch the program to get some ideas for your own house, which is not the case for "Clean House" unless you want to learn how to label see-through boxes. In "Facelift" you can see the crew working on the house, the hard time they have, the fun, and the fantastic results. In "Clean House" the only thing of a crew you see is three-second quick succession of video images, followed by Michael and Linda showing their work to Niecy, who utters some appreciative sounds and phrases like: "i've got three words for you: fa-bu-lous!"

"Debbie Travis' Facelift" is a team that redecorates houses for people, "Clean House" is a show which uses people for their own purpose. In the memory of Allen always saying: "the stuff that goes out of your house, should never go back in" I would like to say: "this show has to go out of the air, and never go back in."
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