Heidi has the same problems that most of us can relate to!
27 April 2004
Warning: Spoilers
**Spoiler Warning! ** While the title pretty much spells out this movie, please be advised that specific plots points are discussed herein.

`Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss' is a story that involves my two favorite things: sex and cash. Now, according to some, that may make me morally challenged, but c'mon, we've all gotta work. USA Cable Network's Heidi makes it seem like a good cash business in this retelling of the infamous Hollywood Madame's story.

This incarnation of Heidi Fleiss is played by the fabulous what's her name from HBO's `The Sopranos.' What can you say about her performance? She almost looks like Heidi Fleiss, she memorized her lines real good and in theory that Sopranos gig gives her, and by default this movie, some street cred.

`Call Me' is not some rerun episode of `Cops.' `Cops' can do a real good job at putting a downer on anyone's sex for cash fascination. Here though, Heidi's girls aren't a bunch of frightening crack whores from the depths of the local trailer parks offering `Johns' a half- and-half for twenty bucks. Twenty bucks? Wait a minute here! Heidi's girls, -er, I mean ladies, have all their teeth, thank you, and the yellowing of the skin from Hepatitis has not begun to show. In Heidi's world, sex for cash means $5,000 a night. And as Heidi says in the movie, `That's per girl. Plus a little spending money for shopping. And I'm gonna need money for their plane tickets too if you want them in Vegas tonight.' `Leave 'em happy.' Isn't that what B.T. Barnum or Samuel Goldwyn said? Or was it `Keep 'em wanting more?' Well whatever, you get the idea.

This movie really put me in the fabulous world that is Heidi Fleiss. Just imagine the days sitting around the pool at Heidi's house sipping cocktails up in the Hollywood Hills, while `Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun' plays over and over again on the radio. Need to go to the doctor-wink, wink-no problem. Heidi's father Dr. Paul Fleiss (who is played here by Saul Rubinek who'll you will recognize from somewhere, but won't really care enough to put you finger on it) is a sweet pediatrician with a little office over in Silver Lake. He's like your own little dr. grandpa. He'll hook you up. Give him a freebie and tell him Heidi sent you.

Speaking of drugs, I don't approve of all the coke (lower `c', not the brand name cola) that goes on in this movie. Maybe its because this is a made for cable movie and they wanted to push the envelope, but all this coke snorting has got to go. Geezus Heidi you're givin' me a headache! Sure it keeps you skinny so you could eat whatever you want.hey wait a minute. stay skinny.eat what ever I want.work all night.sleep all day. Hey, since when did I become such a Puritan?

What really makes this story so heartwarming is that Heidi has the same problems that most of us can relate to. She's too young. She has WAY too much cash. She has all the business she wants. She's all coked out. She forgets to pay off the police. Did you pay the phone bill? Yeah. The mortgage? Umm..yes. Cash payment to the police? Oh, sweet mother of God.I forgot! It seems Heidi learned so much from here previous employer, Madame Alex, but in the end she forgot the most important lesson of them all. Pay off the cops! Throw the LAPD a bone now and then and no one gets hurt.

In regards to Heidi's previous employer, Madame Alex, she is NOT the kind of Madame that you'd wanna turn tricks for. She is old and ugly. Yuck! She is fat and doesn't get out of bed. And that smell.holly merde! I understand why all the girls left her for fun loving, albeit coked out, Heidi Fleiss. To make matters worse, Madame Alex has some vague Germanic accent and calls Heidi a `little Jew *itch' when she gets made at her. Think of Nurse Diesel from `High Anxiety' and you've got Madame Alex.

I give the first part of `Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss FOUR STARS. Tivo past the rest of the jail, court, loses everything and rehab part unless getting bummed out is your thing. I'm going back to Heidi's pool, where Juanita the house keeper is more than glad to freshen up whatever you're drinking. Here's my idea: Let's pretend she never got busted and turn it into a weekly series with special guest star ala `The Love Boat' and `Fantasy Island' Ms. Fleiss. Madame Heidi, you can `Call Me' anytime. I am already a BIG fan!
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