I have seen a great many bad movies in my life: if any of them were worse than this, I must have repressed the memory. If I could give this film less than a 1, I would.
No one seeing a title like "Shaolin Dolemite" would expect Tarkovsky. However, you might expect something humorously awful that would be good to watch for laughs over a few beers. Unfortunately, this one passes through the "So bad it's good" zone without even slowing down, and ends up firmly in the realm of "So bad it's depressing".
As far as I can tell, someone basically took a ninth-rate kungfu movie (probably "Ninja: The Final Duel") and welded on a few scenes - perhaps ten minutes in total - featuring Rudy-Ray Moore. Mr Moore does not actually do any kungfu. He simply ambles on in a dashiki and shades from time to time, cocks his head quizzically and says "Motherfucker" and "Shee-it" a few times. He looks gray (literally; the color is bad throughout, but appears to be particularly 'off' during his scenes) and depressed. As well he might be.
The 'plot' is the usual kungfu mishmash of evil ninjas, virtuous monks, and random ass- kickers who periodically meet up and pound on each other until someone spits blood and collapses. Among the large cast of people who you won't care about there is a warrior prince, several monks with runaway eyebrows, a cackling arch-villain in what looks like a clean- room 'bunny suit', a Davey Crockett character in a coonskin cap and a topless female ninja.
The original Chinese dialog has been - poorly - dubbed over with English. Something might have been salvaged from the whole train-wreck if the new dialog were actually amusing, but it isn't. The contribution of the writers seems to have been to throw in a few obscenities and some lame 'jokes' about African-American culture, none of which are even slightly funny. The most disturbing thing about the film might actually be that someone - possibly more than one person - actually believed that this drivel was witty.
There's no reason for this film to exist, except as an awful warning. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to watch it, ever. It's not cheesy or 'so bad it's good'. It's just boring and painful. Avoid.
No one seeing a title like "Shaolin Dolemite" would expect Tarkovsky. However, you might expect something humorously awful that would be good to watch for laughs over a few beers. Unfortunately, this one passes through the "So bad it's good" zone without even slowing down, and ends up firmly in the realm of "So bad it's depressing".
As far as I can tell, someone basically took a ninth-rate kungfu movie (probably "Ninja: The Final Duel") and welded on a few scenes - perhaps ten minutes in total - featuring Rudy-Ray Moore. Mr Moore does not actually do any kungfu. He simply ambles on in a dashiki and shades from time to time, cocks his head quizzically and says "Motherfucker" and "Shee-it" a few times. He looks gray (literally; the color is bad throughout, but appears to be particularly 'off' during his scenes) and depressed. As well he might be.
The 'plot' is the usual kungfu mishmash of evil ninjas, virtuous monks, and random ass- kickers who periodically meet up and pound on each other until someone spits blood and collapses. Among the large cast of people who you won't care about there is a warrior prince, several monks with runaway eyebrows, a cackling arch-villain in what looks like a clean- room 'bunny suit', a Davey Crockett character in a coonskin cap and a topless female ninja.
The original Chinese dialog has been - poorly - dubbed over with English. Something might have been salvaged from the whole train-wreck if the new dialog were actually amusing, but it isn't. The contribution of the writers seems to have been to throw in a few obscenities and some lame 'jokes' about African-American culture, none of which are even slightly funny. The most disturbing thing about the film might actually be that someone - possibly more than one person - actually believed that this drivel was witty.
There's no reason for this film to exist, except as an awful warning. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to watch it, ever. It's not cheesy or 'so bad it's good'. It's just boring and painful. Avoid.