The 'action' crowd - much like the 'horror' crowd - is an awfully forgiving bunch: probably due to expectations that are already pitifully low, they seem happy to get whatever they're handed, no matter how clichéd, derivative, and/or poorly acted/directed it may be. If they're men - particularly straight men - they often say, with puffed-up chest, that they don't care about "crap" like acting, writing, directing, or anything else. They just want good action and lots of it. Don't get me wrong: I like action flicks myself! But what's wrong with expecting something in the way of quality? It's probably far too late in the game to look forward to originality in the Action genre, so why is it too much to ask for, say, clever writing, inventive stunts, crackling-good dialogue, solid acting, and direction that doesn't look phoned-in? "Fair Game", essentially a remake of a painfully funny 1986 turkey, "Cobra", starring Sylvester Stallone and then-bride, hulking she-beast Brigitte Nielsen, tells the story of a beautiful lawyer and a studly cop being chased by baddies. Many people die and even more things blow up in the process. The cop is played by William Baldwin; the lawyer by model Cindy Crawford, in her acting debut. From the film's outset, they are at odds, but it doesn't require a Master's Degree to figure out they're going to get along JUST FINE before the end. This is one of those films where, in the midst of being chased endlessly by a ruthless band of Russian thieves, the two leads find time to disrobe and get intimate. Just like real life. It's also the type of film in which, no matter how brutally our leads get beaten, or how bruised and battered and bloodied they be, they somehow manage to look merely tousled and none worse for the wear. Just like real life. As for those Russian baddies, you KNOW they're bad because they ARE, after all, Russian, and in Hollywood you know what THAT means: one of them will be a steroid-riddled she-male (kind of like former WWE star, Joanie "Chyna" Laurer). That role this time belongs to Jenette Goldstein, best known as that fabulously butch soldier in "Aliens". In "Fair Game" you KNOW she's not to be messed with because: 1) she's outfitted in bulky black leather, 2) she speaks with a generic Eurotrash accent and says "witty" things like "Let mama make it feel better!" while beating up Baldwin, and, most importantly, 3) she's given a brutal haircut and has bright red lipstick slashed across her downturned mouth. It's like she's fresh from playing a warden in a women-in-prison flick! Alas, these camp moments provide the only levity in a pretty sad affair, made none the better by its stars, who share absolutely ZERO CHEMISTRY. Baldwin is his usual self: pretty. Cindy Crawford is also HER usual self: pretty. And therein might lie the problem: they're both stunningly pretty, which makes the action less-than-believable, somehow. (In fact, HE'S even prettier than SHE is!) Action stars should have a little roughness, if not overtly then around the edges. Runway-model beauty is fine for drama and romantic comedy but an action flick? It just doesn't seem to work, at least not here. It sure ain't helped by a hapless director who seems intent on pleasing both his stars by maintaining his stars' prettiness at all costs, even when the effect is downright comical. (As mentioned earlier, they come through fights, brawls, gunshots, whippings, you name it, with only the teensiest of scratches on maybe an arm but never - and I mean NEVER - on the face. Just like real life.) Baldwin has never really been much of an actor, and he often seems to have little, if any, chemistry with his female co-stars (perhaps because he's usually prettier than them?), but I suppose he tries his manful best to give a credible performance (or at least as credible as is possible with this movie). As for Crawford, well...bless her heart, she tries. She really, really tries. Unfortunately, as soon as she opens her mouth to say her first line, the truth becomes achingly obvious: she simply cannot act. You give the poor girl credit for trying, but let's face it: in what bizarre alternate universe would YOU believe Cindy Crawford to be a high-priced, amazingly successful lawyer? To make up for this and other mistakes, the makers decide to throw in explosions and gunshots almost at random, or whenever the tempo slows. They even manage to throw in some violence during a lovemaking scene (on a freight train, no less). Said lovemaking reaches the levels of "The Specialist" at its robotic best: she flashes her breast, he shows his posterior, and the lighting in the freight car goes all cool blue as they bump, grind, and gnash their teeth in imagined ecstasy. Then, suddenly, a gunman arrives to take care of our 'heroes'. However, said gunman is quite the gentleman because even though he has the clearest shot in the world, he waits patiently for Crawford to see him, pick up a conveniently placed gun, and shoot him. What a guy! In fact, MOST of the bad guys here do the same thing, again and again: run up to fire at their target, then pause while Baldwin or Crawford can shoot first. It's refreshing to see that even though they're Russian, they have such an incredible sense of manners! But who watches this stuff for manners, anyway? You want action and blowin' up and killin' and shootin'? You'll get it here. All the time. Even when there's no reason for it. You want Cindy Crawford in an ever-shrinking tank top? You get that, too. (Body-conscious female viewers might want to keep that in mind next time they're being chased by international killers: make sure to wear pre-shrunk tank tops.) But if it's fun you're after, look elsewhere. Goodness knows I wish I had!
