Clerks II
Has it been 10 years since Clerks I? You wouldn't know it by the look of the meaningless sequel Clerks II. Director Kevin Smith makes the exact same mistakes he made in the his first train wreck; he wrote another terrible, meandering script filled with his unoriginal opinions on pop culture and sex, he cast the same fumbling and predictable actors, once again he shows absolutely no consistency or vision as a director and he tops it all off with a haphazard editing style. Clerks II is awful from start to finish, the product of a diseased mind with nowhere to go but down.
To be fair, I walked into the screening fully expecting to hate Clerks II like I hated Mallrats (1995), like I hated Chasing Amy (1997), like I hated Dogma (1999) and like I really hated Jersey Girl (2004). Kevin Smith is proof that anything is possible as long as the Weinstein brothers have chosen you as a pet project. I just feel sorry for the no-talent slackers out there who will watch Clerks II and think, "I can do that!" Sure you can, if Harvey Weinstein writes you a check for $5,000,000 and promises to have MGM distribute whatever crappy movie you produce. Yep, any dream can come true.
A decade of poor film-making hasn't made any difference in the quality of film Smith produces because he had no talent to begin with. There is no reason to pay good money to see this movie when you will eventually find it at Salvation Army for $0.75. Spend thirty seconds on any comic book forum or bestiality chat room and you will read material that is far more interesting and original. And if you randomly steal threads off those sites and cram them into an uninspired plot line then you will end up with Clerks II.
Some of the high points include "interspecies erotica", Jason Mewes's butt crack, vomit, ass to mouth, geek-bashing and a punch line that goes, "You weren't the one who got mayo in her cooch." Or were those the low points?
Rosario Dawson must've really been shooting up heroin in her Rent (2005) role to get dragged into this disaster. She is miscast because SHE CAN ACTUALLY ACT. She makes the rest of the cast look exactly like the amateur Jersey mooks they really are. "Did you see the size of that cock," gasps Dawson in a moment that pushes cinema backwards about 50 years. Don't be surprised if Kevin Smith now has to make his living at Comic Con selling autographs, because making movies just isn't his bag.
The notes I took during the film should be enough to keep you away: "Terrible opening." "What is the opposite of funny?" "Dialogue couldn't be worse." "It's like a vulgar commercial for ITT Tech. I keep waiting for someone to say 'Call now for your free brochure.'" "Awful." "MGM must stand for More Ghastly Movies."
Kevin Smith says, "All the fear about besmirching the original went out the door the minute I was finished with the script." I have no doubt that it did.
Score Card:
Number of times I covered my eyes in sheer agony: 5
Number of times Dante "shakes his head disapprovingly" at Randal: 10+
Number of times I shook my head disapprovingly at the screen: 50
Number of vomit inducing '80s-style music video montages: 3
Number of people who walked out of the screening: 2
Number of times I wanted to walk out of the screening: 98
Number of inane references to Buffalo Bill in Silence of The Lambs: 2
Number of times I saw the San Bernardino Mts. in the background of New Jersey: 1
Number of times I laughed: 1 (I remembered a scene from Dumb and Dumber)
Grand Total: Don't see this movie.
Grade F
Clerks II Cast: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Rosario Dawson Director: Kevin Smith MPAA Rating: R Runtime: 98 minutes Release Company: MGM
Has it been 10 years since Clerks I? You wouldn't know it by the look of the meaningless sequel Clerks II. Director Kevin Smith makes the exact same mistakes he made in the his first train wreck; he wrote another terrible, meandering script filled with his unoriginal opinions on pop culture and sex, he cast the same fumbling and predictable actors, once again he shows absolutely no consistency or vision as a director and he tops it all off with a haphazard editing style. Clerks II is awful from start to finish, the product of a diseased mind with nowhere to go but down.
To be fair, I walked into the screening fully expecting to hate Clerks II like I hated Mallrats (1995), like I hated Chasing Amy (1997), like I hated Dogma (1999) and like I really hated Jersey Girl (2004). Kevin Smith is proof that anything is possible as long as the Weinstein brothers have chosen you as a pet project. I just feel sorry for the no-talent slackers out there who will watch Clerks II and think, "I can do that!" Sure you can, if Harvey Weinstein writes you a check for $5,000,000 and promises to have MGM distribute whatever crappy movie you produce. Yep, any dream can come true.
A decade of poor film-making hasn't made any difference in the quality of film Smith produces because he had no talent to begin with. There is no reason to pay good money to see this movie when you will eventually find it at Salvation Army for $0.75. Spend thirty seconds on any comic book forum or bestiality chat room and you will read material that is far more interesting and original. And if you randomly steal threads off those sites and cram them into an uninspired plot line then you will end up with Clerks II.
Some of the high points include "interspecies erotica", Jason Mewes's butt crack, vomit, ass to mouth, geek-bashing and a punch line that goes, "You weren't the one who got mayo in her cooch." Or were those the low points?
Rosario Dawson must've really been shooting up heroin in her Rent (2005) role to get dragged into this disaster. She is miscast because SHE CAN ACTUALLY ACT. She makes the rest of the cast look exactly like the amateur Jersey mooks they really are. "Did you see the size of that cock," gasps Dawson in a moment that pushes cinema backwards about 50 years. Don't be surprised if Kevin Smith now has to make his living at Comic Con selling autographs, because making movies just isn't his bag.
The notes I took during the film should be enough to keep you away: "Terrible opening." "What is the opposite of funny?" "Dialogue couldn't be worse." "It's like a vulgar commercial for ITT Tech. I keep waiting for someone to say 'Call now for your free brochure.'" "Awful." "MGM must stand for More Ghastly Movies."
Kevin Smith says, "All the fear about besmirching the original went out the door the minute I was finished with the script." I have no doubt that it did.
Score Card:
Number of times I covered my eyes in sheer agony: 5
Number of times Dante "shakes his head disapprovingly" at Randal: 10+
Number of times I shook my head disapprovingly at the screen: 50
Number of vomit inducing '80s-style music video montages: 3
Number of people who walked out of the screening: 2
Number of times I wanted to walk out of the screening: 98
Number of inane references to Buffalo Bill in Silence of The Lambs: 2
Number of times I saw the San Bernardino Mts. in the background of New Jersey: 1
Number of times I laughed: 1 (I remembered a scene from Dumb and Dumber)
Grand Total: Don't see this movie.
Grade F
Clerks II Cast: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Rosario Dawson Director: Kevin Smith MPAA Rating: R Runtime: 98 minutes Release Company: MGM