Review of Halloween: Resurrection

I like horror films. Always have. But, sadly, the genre seems to have taken a powder over the past 10 years or so, particularly the last 5, I'd say, and this "film" is a perfect example: by now, one expects lackluster direction, lousy acting, and derivative storytelling but this one hits an all-time low, for it's a million other movies you've already seen, thrown into a blender, and left to stew in the sun to spoil even further. Worse still, for those fans of the "Halloween" installments, except for the opening sequence featuring Jamie Lee Curtis, this film bears little real relation to any other film in the series. The recycled ideas provided here as "entertainment" are nearly endless: teens being stalked by a killer? Too many other movies to count but let's start with "Scream" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer", to name a couple. Teens staying in a haunted house over night? Saw that in "House On Haunted Hill", "The Haunting", "Night of the Demons", you name it. Stupid people doing stupid things that cause their own deaths, or aid in it? Or horny teens getting whacked for doing what comes naturally? How 'bout "Friday the 13th"? Helpless, screaming, white heroine who can't do anything without a man around to save her? In this girl-power age, we don't see that much anymore but just about every older flick has it. A group investigating weird happenings while capturing it all on video? "Blair Witch Project" all over again. And, just like "Blair Witch", this is an unmitigated disaster all around. There isn't a single scare or moment of tension throughout, "helped" neither by a director who'd be hard-pressed to successfully direct a grammar-school play, let alone a big-budget film, nor a cast of unknowns who greatly deserve to stay that way. They're awful. Not one of them has any screen presence, or creates a character worth caring about (though of course there aren't any characters written, just stock figures from any other horror film). The only "names" of note - besides Curtis, who has little more than a Drew-Barrymore-in-"Scream" cameo - are model/"actress"/talk show hostess Tyra Banks and rap "artist"/"actor" Busta Rhymes, and when Banks and Rhymes are your biggest names, boy, are you in trouble! Imagine the producers talking this one over: "Okay...the last installment had Michaael Myers killed in a very satisfying wrap-up of the series. How can we bring him back AND upset everyone who loved the films? Maybe we can kill off Jamie Lee Curtis! Yeah! But who to replace her with...? Hmmm... I know! Busta Rhymes! When I think of horror-movie legends, I think of Jamie Lee Curtis and Busta Rhymes. And maybe we can get one of those Victoria Secrets models? Any one of 'em will do. Let's get one who THINKS she can act but really CAN'T so we can kill HER off, too!" Banks IS a bad actress (not Cindy-Crawford-in-"Fair Game" bad but close) and disappears, thankfully, about halfway through. Unfortunately, that means we're stuck with Mr Rhymes, whose idea of acting is screwing up his mouth and face in attempt to come off as 'street', with some out-of-nowhere Jackie Chan moves thrown in for the "big" finale. (Yes, you read right: Busta - taking himself seriously - breaks into pseudo-ninja action, complete with the vocal sounds you'd expect. He's so impressed with himself, and it's all so ridiculous, that you've just gotta laugh out loud.) Oh, and did I mention that for a physically huge and powerful, unstoppable killing machine, Michael Myers has the lithe grace and body control of a dancer because AT NO POINT IN TIME does his hulking presence on the steps or floorboards of a decades-old house create ANY noise whatsoever? I wasn't sure if I should be scared for the characters or impressed with the carpentry. Goodness knows the carpentry would be the ONLY THING to be impressed with. Everything else in this flop is pure cash-cow desperation.