Announcer: ... and this just in from Paris, a major nuclear catastrophe wiping out the entire Kingdom of Great Britain. But now we go to the big news of the day, that the recently retired King of Monsters, Godzilla, has brought to court a suit of plagiarism against longtime rival, Gamera, the flying turtle. And we are fortunate to have Godzilla and Gamera in the studio with us today. Godzilla, what made you decide to bring this suit to court so late in your career.
God.: Well, I put off watching "Retard of Iris" for a long time, but one day, Rodan and me were having a few beers, so we popped it in and long before the movie ended, I realized i was watching pretty much the whole of my "Heisei" period distilled into some school-girl fantasy of what a Kaiju film might be.
Gam.: Hold on there, lizard breath. We kaiju are a special breed. unfortunately that means there's just so many things we can do, then we have to do them all over again. How many times have you stomped Tokyo? How many ways are there that Tokyo can be stomped. I mean, let's be honest.
God.: Honest?! There hasn't been a single movie you made that didn't steal something from one of mine - what about that monster of yours with the same name as one of mine, Baragon?
Gam.: My monster's name is BarUgAn. In Japanese, inflection is everything. And then you had the gall to name some kid's rubber-suit fantasy bully directly after me in "Godzilla's Revenge".
God.: I didn't make that movie! Honda took some of my home movies and patched them together, that material was not for public viewing.
Gam.: Most of your films are not for public viewing, I mean they are SO bad! God.: Some of your later '60s stuff is such a mess, I couldn't make heads or tails of it. All those silly ten-year-old kids - are you a pedophile by any chance, shell-head?
Announcer: Gentlemonsters, please - our audience!
Gam.: Old nuke-for-brains here just doesn't get it - we are all made for children, that's why we're so lovable.
God.: "Loveable"?! I'll have you know that when Ghidrah and me destroyed Tokyo in my last film, the audience held it's breath to see if it was still alive.
Gam.: If that made sense, it would still sound stupid. Besides, didn't you think my fisting the bad-thing in "Revenge (that's REVENGE - you're the only retard here!) of Iris" in order to pull the girl out of its gut - now that's pretty darn awesome, if I do say so myself.
God.: well, you're the only one who would say that. The fact remains that the Iris bad-thing is a direct rip-off of my enemy Biolante.
Gam.: So who would know? That film bombed at the box-office. Besides, all that romantic mushy stuff - look, kids want to see kids; having a kid form an empathic connection with a beastie....
God.: is a direct rip-off of my Heisei series, but also of my big last battle with the "Terror of Mechagodzilla" in the Showa series. Admit it, I had your formula down to a science before you were ever born!
Gam.: At least I WAS born, you keep getting 'created" by one human mistake or other. That's why kids like me - I'm really THERE, I mean, I have a heart, a soul, some kind of intelligence....
God.: Yeah, and you light your farts to fly! Gam.: You cheap dinner for lizard-mites! You tried to convince the world you killed me off in "Tokyo SOS"! Well, I got the last laugh, I think. You destroyed the world in "Final Wars", whereas I been born again in "The Brave" (2006).
God.: See that's your problem - "born again" - religious hypocrite! The only thing born again about you is that all my ideas get born again in your movies!
Gam.: If you ever had an idea, you wouldn't know what to do with it! At least I got the guts to risk doing it over and over again - I love the children in my audience, they're great fans, and they deserve a turtle hero; we all do.
God.: It's "heroes" like you make my stomach turn. Tokyo is for stomping; saving it is an embarrassing display of something nearly (UGH!) human.
Gam.: So that's what it comes down to! You just don't like people, do you?!
God.: The earth was made for monsters!
Gam.: and if that's the case, I deserve my place on it too.
Announcer: Mr. Godzilla, Mr. Gamera - I see we've run out of time, thank you for stopping by. One last question, this from a member of the audience just phoned in: Mr. Godzilla: bottom-line for "Revenge of Iris" - is it worth watching at all?
God.: Well, yeah... it's kind of entertaining; if you like that sort of thing.
God.: Well, I put off watching "Retard of Iris" for a long time, but one day, Rodan and me were having a few beers, so we popped it in and long before the movie ended, I realized i was watching pretty much the whole of my "Heisei" period distilled into some school-girl fantasy of what a Kaiju film might be.
Gam.: Hold on there, lizard breath. We kaiju are a special breed. unfortunately that means there's just so many things we can do, then we have to do them all over again. How many times have you stomped Tokyo? How many ways are there that Tokyo can be stomped. I mean, let's be honest.
God.: Honest?! There hasn't been a single movie you made that didn't steal something from one of mine - what about that monster of yours with the same name as one of mine, Baragon?
Gam.: My monster's name is BarUgAn. In Japanese, inflection is everything. And then you had the gall to name some kid's rubber-suit fantasy bully directly after me in "Godzilla's Revenge".
God.: I didn't make that movie! Honda took some of my home movies and patched them together, that material was not for public viewing.
Gam.: Most of your films are not for public viewing, I mean they are SO bad! God.: Some of your later '60s stuff is such a mess, I couldn't make heads or tails of it. All those silly ten-year-old kids - are you a pedophile by any chance, shell-head?
Announcer: Gentlemonsters, please - our audience!
Gam.: Old nuke-for-brains here just doesn't get it - we are all made for children, that's why we're so lovable.
God.: "Loveable"?! I'll have you know that when Ghidrah and me destroyed Tokyo in my last film, the audience held it's breath to see if it was still alive.
Gam.: If that made sense, it would still sound stupid. Besides, didn't you think my fisting the bad-thing in "Revenge (that's REVENGE - you're the only retard here!) of Iris" in order to pull the girl out of its gut - now that's pretty darn awesome, if I do say so myself.
God.: well, you're the only one who would say that. The fact remains that the Iris bad-thing is a direct rip-off of my enemy Biolante.
Gam.: So who would know? That film bombed at the box-office. Besides, all that romantic mushy stuff - look, kids want to see kids; having a kid form an empathic connection with a beastie....
God.: is a direct rip-off of my Heisei series, but also of my big last battle with the "Terror of Mechagodzilla" in the Showa series. Admit it, I had your formula down to a science before you were ever born!
Gam.: At least I WAS born, you keep getting 'created" by one human mistake or other. That's why kids like me - I'm really THERE, I mean, I have a heart, a soul, some kind of intelligence....
God.: Yeah, and you light your farts to fly! Gam.: You cheap dinner for lizard-mites! You tried to convince the world you killed me off in "Tokyo SOS"! Well, I got the last laugh, I think. You destroyed the world in "Final Wars", whereas I been born again in "The Brave" (2006).
God.: See that's your problem - "born again" - religious hypocrite! The only thing born again about you is that all my ideas get born again in your movies!
Gam.: If you ever had an idea, you wouldn't know what to do with it! At least I got the guts to risk doing it over and over again - I love the children in my audience, they're great fans, and they deserve a turtle hero; we all do.
God.: It's "heroes" like you make my stomach turn. Tokyo is for stomping; saving it is an embarrassing display of something nearly (UGH!) human.
Gam.: So that's what it comes down to! You just don't like people, do you?!
God.: The earth was made for monsters!
Gam.: and if that's the case, I deserve my place on it too.
Announcer: Mr. Godzilla, Mr. Gamera - I see we've run out of time, thank you for stopping by. One last question, this from a member of the audience just phoned in: Mr. Godzilla: bottom-line for "Revenge of Iris" - is it worth watching at all?
God.: Well, yeah... it's kind of entertaining; if you like that sort of thing.