The clue should have been the rows and rows of preowned copies at Cash Converters. Nobody wanted them so they had to be reduced from £5.00 to £2.50 within weeks. However, the front cover looked alluring with sexy Jaime Winstone and Donkey Punch was an enjoyable film, so how far wrong could I be? The answer is: VERY.
Let's start with the main character, a doctor. This bloke is a complete idiot. His wife commits suicide in a bath, but after her death she constantly comes back as a spirit to warn him of danger by turning the taps on and letting the place flood(!) He knows this as he is told by a psychic plumber (!!) but chooses to ignore the advice. He then finds himself treating a teenager who likes to suck her blood and other people's (!!!) later on having an affair with her mother(!!!!).
Wait you haven't heard the best part. After he finds out she's a psychopath and nearly beyond help, he LET'S HER INTO HIS HOME FOR THE NIGHT (!!!!!) where he drinks a Valium filled cup of tea she makes for him (!!!!!!) this allows her free access to all of his drug paraphernalia, and while left alone the next day, she chucks his dog in the blender (!!!!!!!) and has a nice doggy blood shake (!!!!!!!!) All while this is going on, he NEVER thinks to contact the police, social services, the loony bin etc. Instead, he keeps sleeping with Mummy, popping his anti-depressants and behaving like a complete moron. This guys elicits NO sympathy from me whatsoever, which makes it impossible to care about his inevitable fate.
Oh yes, the ending *MAJOR SPOILERS* Now normally I don't go into a lot of detail about the conclusion to films, but in this case I'll make an exception. Basically, the psychiatrist dude has been suspended from his job for being a 100% tw*t and no-one believes his stories about canine goulash or Ms psychos friends being cut so she can have her precious haemoglobin. Why they think he's lying when there's so much evidence is beyond the pale, but AANNYYWAY...
He's finally doing the right thing (being too stupid to live) and killing himself with an overdose in the bath. But just before he meets the Grim Reaper, guess who happens along to 'save' him? That's right, lil miss Vampire. Not because she likes the guy you understand, she just wants to sample some of his red nectar.Her feeding is interrupted by an estate agent who is trying to flog the doctor's property.. She promptly murders him. Then, her mother shows up.
Now, this is the 'interesting' bit. The twist is, in a completely radical character shift, rather than dispose of her disgusting offspring, mummy actually helps carry the poor guy back to her flat (!!!!!!!!!) there, they plan to keep him alive but in a very weakened state (!!!!!!!!!!) so that Dracularette can feast on him whenever she feels like it. (!!!!!!!!!!!) Of course, everyone suspects him of the murder the estate agent so even if he did escape he'd face justice (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and BLAH BLAH BLAH enough. *END SPOILERS*
I think back to that great picture of Jaime Winstone on the front cover. Aside from the fact she is an absolutely awful actress in this, I can see why they put her on the front, despite only being third billed. She's very attractive, even when dressed up as a chav as she is for the majority of the film. Shame everything else sucks even more than she does in the role. If I was really public spirited, I would walk into Cash Converters Northampton now, buy every spare copy of this and use them as lighter fuel. But I never was the community caring type.. :) 2/10
Let's start with the main character, a doctor. This bloke is a complete idiot. His wife commits suicide in a bath, but after her death she constantly comes back as a spirit to warn him of danger by turning the taps on and letting the place flood(!) He knows this as he is told by a psychic plumber (!!) but chooses to ignore the advice. He then finds himself treating a teenager who likes to suck her blood and other people's (!!!) later on having an affair with her mother(!!!!).
Wait you haven't heard the best part. After he finds out she's a psychopath and nearly beyond help, he LET'S HER INTO HIS HOME FOR THE NIGHT (!!!!!) where he drinks a Valium filled cup of tea she makes for him (!!!!!!) this allows her free access to all of his drug paraphernalia, and while left alone the next day, she chucks his dog in the blender (!!!!!!!) and has a nice doggy blood shake (!!!!!!!!) All while this is going on, he NEVER thinks to contact the police, social services, the loony bin etc. Instead, he keeps sleeping with Mummy, popping his anti-depressants and behaving like a complete moron. This guys elicits NO sympathy from me whatsoever, which makes it impossible to care about his inevitable fate.
Oh yes, the ending *MAJOR SPOILERS* Now normally I don't go into a lot of detail about the conclusion to films, but in this case I'll make an exception. Basically, the psychiatrist dude has been suspended from his job for being a 100% tw*t and no-one believes his stories about canine goulash or Ms psychos friends being cut so she can have her precious haemoglobin. Why they think he's lying when there's so much evidence is beyond the pale, but AANNYYWAY...
He's finally doing the right thing (being too stupid to live) and killing himself with an overdose in the bath. But just before he meets the Grim Reaper, guess who happens along to 'save' him? That's right, lil miss Vampire. Not because she likes the guy you understand, she just wants to sample some of his red nectar.Her feeding is interrupted by an estate agent who is trying to flog the doctor's property.. She promptly murders him. Then, her mother shows up.
Now, this is the 'interesting' bit. The twist is, in a completely radical character shift, rather than dispose of her disgusting offspring, mummy actually helps carry the poor guy back to her flat (!!!!!!!!!) there, they plan to keep him alive but in a very weakened state (!!!!!!!!!!) so that Dracularette can feast on him whenever she feels like it. (!!!!!!!!!!!) Of course, everyone suspects him of the murder the estate agent so even if he did escape he'd face justice (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and BLAH BLAH BLAH enough. *END SPOILERS*
I think back to that great picture of Jaime Winstone on the front cover. Aside from the fact she is an absolutely awful actress in this, I can see why they put her on the front, despite only being third billed. She's very attractive, even when dressed up as a chav as she is for the majority of the film. Shame everything else sucks even more than she does in the role. If I was really public spirited, I would walk into Cash Converters Northampton now, buy every spare copy of this and use them as lighter fuel. But I never was the community caring type.. :) 2/10