Evicted (1999)
1/10
Endless Pointless
5 January 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Writer-Producer-Director (of only this movie) Michael Tierney, nephew of iconic film noir legends Lawrence Tierney and Scott Brady, and son of their much-lesser-known younger brother Edward Tierney, at attempting to make a purposely-pointless film ended up accidentally making a point: that if you purposely set out to make a film suck, it will.

The, uh, plot centers on two humorless slacker drone cousins, Micro (Michael Tierney) and T (Terence Tierney) who live in a crappy apartment, eat cereal with beer (seen that a hundred times), and take to the streets where they meet a homeless speed-freak (who resembles an extremely poor man's River Phoenix).

The cousins, about to get... yes, EVICTED from their premises, decide to throw a party. But the fun of hating this movie (that occurs while they're cruising around L.A. drinking generic beer, which becomes banally involving) withers when the actual party begins, and for the next (what feels like an eternal) forty-five minutes we cut back and forth to various people who look like they're all buddies of the director as they drink beer, swear, philosophize, swear, drink beer, snort meth like it's cocaine, quote classic films (mostly Apocalypse Now), and swear some more: while drinking beer.

Then Micro takes acid (from a guy who's part of a very confusing and completely pointless B-story involving a briefcase) while fully clothed in a bathtub and has a dream where he's starring in his own presidential campaign commercial: RAPPING in front of an American flag while continuously "flipping the bird". At this point, things get so downright insanely awful it becomes fun-to-hate again... But soon enough the party's over and so is the movie. The stale soundtrack consists of songs by the same (very annoying) band, The Weird, with an assortment of rockabilly-punk-rock jangles, all part of a fictional radio station's lineup (can you say Reservoir Dogs K-BILLY RIPOFF?!).

The only thing that's partially recyclable are scattered scenes with Micro's neighbor played by (the one and only) Lawrence Tierney, a crusty yet likable old codger who tosses such pearls as "Get a job", "Don't do drugs" and "Buy new shoes". Perhaps if the entire movie was about an aimless slacker conversing with a world-weary tough guy played by the toughest actor Hollywood's ever known (and with MUCH better dialog), this would be a cult classic - something Michael Tierney obviously tried hard to seem like he wasn't trying to do.

Oh and Shannon Elizabeth, whose image, and name, is featured on the DVD cover as if she's the main star, is in this movie for about five minutes total. Then again, if she were in it more, would it matter?
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