Review of Northville Cemetery Massacre

"The Ultimate Biker Flick" … That's what the DVD-cover proudly exclaims, and I more or less tend to agree, although that certainly wasn't my feeling during the first fifteen minutes. The plot introduces the hardcore-to-the-bone Detroit Scorpions. They are what you would call a "nice" biker gang! The Scorpions stop to help elderly folks with flat tires, drive their motorcycles through the car wash, play darts using a Richard Nixon picture and openly smoke weed in their prison cell. They also wear shirts with images of Jesus on them and everyone kisses each other on the lips. Yes, long-bearded men included. Basically The Scorpions are just a bunch of hippies driving motorcycles instead of colorful Volkswagen minivans! I have to admit that, approximately fifteen minutes into the film, I was severely getting worried that this "gem" absolutely wouldn't live up to its reputation or its delightfully morbid title. Fortunately enough – for the sake of cult cinema at least – they pass through a place run by filthy perverted police officers. One of the redneck deputies rapes the daughter of a prominent citizen and puts the blame on the bikers. He's a truly honorable deputy too, by the way, because he himself encourages the father's victim to take the law into his own hands and hunt down the bikers illegally. Now here's a man who deserves to wear a police badge, yeah! When two of the Scorpion bikers are cowardly gunned down outside their clubhouse, the rest of the gang decides to fight back … but against who? "Northville Cemetery Massacre" is truly a delight for tolerant fans of extremely low-budgeted 70's amateur trash! Occasionally during the film, there's a musical narrator who sings about what's going on in the film and the lyrics are highly intellectual, like for example "A friend with weed is a friend, indeed". Furthermore there's the hilarious abuse of exaggeratedly dramatic music, severe synchronization issues, laughable acting and a lot of supportive biker cast members that don't even look tough enough to drive a Vespa. It's also an extremely violent movie, although the violence is not exactly what you would call shocking. There are a lot of bizarre and even downright WTF sequences in "Northville Cemetery Massacre", like the secret meeting between the bikers and an utterly deranged gun collector. The interactions between the hillbilly assailants are too incredible for words, but hey, at least they can aim and shoot a lot better than those sissy bikers! It takes the Scorpions, what … 800 bullets before they finally hit something?!? 90% of the biker gang has been slaughtered before they even have a clue where the shots are coming from! They must be the most worthless gang in history. I bet the real Hell's Angels and Outlaws frequently watch this movie during their club meetings, just to laugh their butts off and to remind themselves how badass they, in fact, really are! In all honesty, this is a really bad film. Similar to "Mad Foxes", but slightly better and less sleazy. But hey, at least it's great fun!