Review of Empire State

I recently caught this on Film4, showing as part of the British Connection season. Missed it on its initial release but then so did most people. Having struggled through the movie, it's not hard to see why this remains largely ignored. First thing's first, Empire State is funny. Really funny. Only problem is it's not supposed to be amusing. It's supposed to be a gritty East End crime flick, striving to say something serious about Thatcher's Britain. This is one of the worst films I've ever seen but somehow I couldn't stop watching. Ten minutes in, I nearly turned off, annoyed by the terrible dialogue and nonsensical plot. But I persisted. Halfway through, I was nearly done but Empire State is so atrocious, I had to keep watching, just to see what camp nonsense the director would come up with next. Connoisseurs of bad acting will be transported by this movie, in particular the guy who plays the London wideboy/prostitute, the woman who gives an Oscar worthy performance as a lonely heart who has come to the titular nightclub to meet a blind date, and the Byker Grove reject in London to track down a mate ('You's said you's would help me find me mate, canny lad, there annat no one who cannae stop me from finding oot where he is!'). How these three didn't go on to become leading comedic actors is beyond me. The film also boasts some of the best/worst moments ever committed to celluloid. My particular faves being an hilariously pointless montage in which various male and female characters take soapy showers ahead of a night out in the biggest club in the world. Plus a fight scene at the end between Viz's Big Vern and the guy out of Monkey (stand out quote courtesy of token posh bird - 'this is getting out of hand!' - as they kick the hell out of each other and an old school cockney idiot and yuppie pimp bet everything they have on the outcome). Empire State barely deserves one star status - that it avoids no star hell is thanks to Elizabeth Hickling's dead eyed schemer Cheryl - cracking pins, Liz!