Review of The Oscars

. . . that this lame, elitist fad in favor of so-called "Magic Realism" has worn out its welcome. After another year's Top Oscar ("Best Director," of course) goes to a Make-Believer who's not even a native speaker of American--for the third time in a row!--not to mention "Best Cameraman" going to a third Foreigner for his third straight statuette--it's obvious that "The Academy's" switchboards were overwhelmed by livid fans of the overlooked Majority People, including J.J. Abrams, top director of All-Time with his Billion-Dollar-Domestic Box Office haul for STAR WARS 7. These calls no doubt FORBADE the Academy to name THE REVENANT as "Best Picture." (It wasn't even last year's Best Western; THE HATEFUL 8 with its wonderful, Oscar-winning score, was far funnier, as well as being more realistic and entertaining than that TITANIC guy's vanity project--and did anyone else notice that Chris Rock let Leo drone on and on about everything under the sun for THREE TIMES the acceptance speech limit for his individual make-up award, and the band NEVER made a peep to play him off?!) Since Oscar host Rock was making jokes about the alleged Oscars accounting firm--Price Waterhouse--all night, it's fairly clear that the Academy's Head Mistress can write in pretty much ANY last-minute winner she wants to (from the pool of nominees, of course) to appease potential public outrage (next year she'll have the same power over the NOMINATION process, to cancel out 45's Charlotte Rampling, for instance, with MAGIC MIKE XXL's Jada Pinkett Smith). Write-in "Best Picture" SPOTLIGHT, a.k.a., ALL THE POPE'S HENCHMEN, substitutes Michael Keaton for Robert Redford, making it a People's Choice as a retelling of ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN. (After all, DEEP THROAT played a big part in each flick.) Now that the Pontiff has mandated a Mini-Brain Zika Generation extending from Argentina to Ohio, his institution should be in the SPOTLIGHT of many more film exposes. But, as J.J. Abrams learned, don't expect ANY directing Oscars if you're NOT a person of color, unless your flick makes TWO billion bucks--Domestic!