I'm pretty sure that if you are still reading the reviews on this movie by the time you get to mine, you're just doing it for the sheer schadenfreude of it. With that in mind, here is my review:
I'll start out by using a line from the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" when King Arthur, Sir Robin, Bors, and crew encounter the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, "Run Away!! RUN AWAY!!!" Believe the hype, folks, because River of Darkness really IS that bad, and you really SHOULD run away.
Here are just a few of my favourite horrifically acted scenes: #1. Toward the beginning of the movie, Kurt Angle's character is either trying to say "Mother of God" or "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph", but what actually comes out of his mouth is "Mother of Mary and Joseph". Call me a slacker on my Bible lessons, but I'm really quite certain that Mary and Joseph did not share the same mother. Quite certain, indeed.
NEXT!!! #2. At a scene where a rabble of rednecks are sitting around talking about the murders that have just recently taken place, one of them is quick to point out that, "...there is an old wise tale..." Old WISE tale? Sure, I get it that there is such a thing as "old wise tales", but you can tell from the emphasis that the reddy puts on certain words that he was obviously going for "old WIVES tale". No one had the nerve to say, "CUT!!" and tell the guy the error of his ways?
And my favourite one of all: #3. Afer there have been several grisly murders down by ye olde River of Darkness, a scene happens along in this film that utterly defies explanation and logic. It starts with a woman sitting at a kitchen table and peeling potatoes, and it's dark outside. As she is peeling the spuds, her 7-8-year-old daughter comes downstairs, putting on her jacket and telling her mother that she is going down to the river (yes...the river of darkness) to catch crawdads or minnows or lightning bugs, etc. Her mother, wanting to be a good mother, asks her the following question, "Have you finished all your homework?" Really?? Yeah, really. And then, upon finding out that her daughter has been thwacked by said grisly murderers by the river of darkness, the mother has the gall to blame the frickin' sheriff!! Somebody call that credit card company because this is priceless.
A couple of things about this movie before I close. The writer/director of this movie and Kurt Angle are from Pittsburgh, PA, and since this is where the movie is shot, I feel pretty certain the powers that be on this film just went and raided the local Pittsburgh SAG Rolodex. All of the minor roles in this film...aka people that die...are either from Pittsburgh or have hardly any other acting credentials to speak of on their IMDb page. Also, there was an editor on this movie. ???!!!!! I know...that's what I said. Honest to Pete, I'd LOVE to see the takes that didn't make this film. Finally, it says in the IMDb file for this movie that it had an estimated budget of somewhere in the ballpark of 3.3 million dollars. I really wish they had spent some of that money on a decent camera. This whole film looks like it was shot from somebody's flip phone. Although, I'm pretty sure the most expensive cameras that money could buy wouldn't have been able to save this movie from becoming a soon to be viewed Mystery Science Theater 3000 subject.
I'll start out by using a line from the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" when King Arthur, Sir Robin, Bors, and crew encounter the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, "Run Away!! RUN AWAY!!!" Believe the hype, folks, because River of Darkness really IS that bad, and you really SHOULD run away.
Here are just a few of my favourite horrifically acted scenes: #1. Toward the beginning of the movie, Kurt Angle's character is either trying to say "Mother of God" or "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph", but what actually comes out of his mouth is "Mother of Mary and Joseph". Call me a slacker on my Bible lessons, but I'm really quite certain that Mary and Joseph did not share the same mother. Quite certain, indeed.
NEXT!!! #2. At a scene where a rabble of rednecks are sitting around talking about the murders that have just recently taken place, one of them is quick to point out that, "...there is an old wise tale..." Old WISE tale? Sure, I get it that there is such a thing as "old wise tales", but you can tell from the emphasis that the reddy puts on certain words that he was obviously going for "old WIVES tale". No one had the nerve to say, "CUT!!" and tell the guy the error of his ways?
And my favourite one of all: #3. Afer there have been several grisly murders down by ye olde River of Darkness, a scene happens along in this film that utterly defies explanation and logic. It starts with a woman sitting at a kitchen table and peeling potatoes, and it's dark outside. As she is peeling the spuds, her 7-8-year-old daughter comes downstairs, putting on her jacket and telling her mother that she is going down to the river (yes...the river of darkness) to catch crawdads or minnows or lightning bugs, etc. Her mother, wanting to be a good mother, asks her the following question, "Have you finished all your homework?" Really?? Yeah, really. And then, upon finding out that her daughter has been thwacked by said grisly murderers by the river of darkness, the mother has the gall to blame the frickin' sheriff!! Somebody call that credit card company because this is priceless.
A couple of things about this movie before I close. The writer/director of this movie and Kurt Angle are from Pittsburgh, PA, and since this is where the movie is shot, I feel pretty certain the powers that be on this film just went and raided the local Pittsburgh SAG Rolodex. All of the minor roles in this film...aka people that die...are either from Pittsburgh or have hardly any other acting credentials to speak of on their IMDb page. Also, there was an editor on this movie. ???!!!!! I know...that's what I said. Honest to Pete, I'd LOVE to see the takes that didn't make this film. Finally, it says in the IMDb file for this movie that it had an estimated budget of somewhere in the ballpark of 3.3 million dollars. I really wish they had spent some of that money on a decent camera. This whole film looks like it was shot from somebody's flip phone. Although, I'm pretty sure the most expensive cameras that money could buy wouldn't have been able to save this movie from becoming a soon to be viewed Mystery Science Theater 3000 subject.