Child Eater (2016)
6/10
Best when they're fresh
5 July 2017
Warning: Spoilers
The film opens with a man with macular degeneration removing the eyes of children and consuming them under the belief it will cure his illness. We then jump 25 years later. Helen (Cait Bliss) is babysitting for the new family as dad (Weston Wilson) has to be out all night. Lucas (Colin Critchley) likes horror movies and claims there is a man in his closet, the same one he saw outside, who can get in through the hole in the basement. He gives us too many plot clues in one moment.

Lucas goes missing. We are told by Ginger (Melinda Chilton) that Lucas who just moved in, "knows the woods like the back of his hand" watch for bear traps along the paths...seriously? Now the kicker is after 25 years of macular degeneration, for which there is no cure, our man can still see and in the dark no less...and still fights after a shot to the head.

The film initially has effective jump scares, but there are only so many times you can go to that well. Unfortunately Cait Bliss looks like the babysitter we get in real life. To be an 80's throwback film you need a "10" who makes out with her boyfriend on the sofa.

The film doesn't develop any characters except for Helen, and she was done rather poorly. I don't like people who put their cigarette out in their unfinished food. It just looks trashy, like a tribal tattoo.

Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity. Winner best film/actress/cinematography Fantastically Horrifying Cinema Festival 2016 On a side note: The first words spoken were "He Hurt Me" which gave me XFL flashbacks to "He Hate Me." (I wonder what happened to that guy.) Anyway I just watched the XFL to see if I recognized any of the cheerleaders from strip joints. I had to stop watching when the game started as the overhead cam gave me vertigo
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