Blue Iron (2017 TV Movie)
1/10
SOOO BAD! Like a high school play but with worse production values and more-amateurish acting. A real head-scratcher how this thing could reek so much.
3 June 2019
The acting is just as bad as the hokey, cliche-filled writing. With a purported budget of less than $90,000, I have to wonder what they spent that much on. It's highly unlikely any of the "actors" in this steaming pile could possibly charge for their services. And there isn't a single example of any professional stunt men. The scene of the guy being beaten and interrogated for stealing from the Russian mob boss (a cliche we've all seen hundreds of times, and always done better) had all the violence of a Cub Scout jamboree. The cops show up to a "bloody" crime scene that causes a detective to get sick from the carnage, but it amounted to nothing more than a small can of tomato paste thrown against a plastic drop cloth.

The sets are all pathetic; the strip club looks like an overly-lit middle school cafeteria. The Russian bad guy speaks fractured English sounding like he just crossed the border from Mexico. The "leader" of the biker gang is short, fat and looks like a harmless little Pokemon. The cops are mostly chubby women who sound like they're reading their lines and can't trash talk believably, but that's also the writer's fault.

Oh yeah, the writing: this goof of an action movie contains every stupid cliche ever seen in biker movies, cop movies, crime movies and the worst TV shows ever seen.

How can something this pathetically terrible get made? Moreover: WHY? Anybody associated with this bucket of slop will be tainted forever. You do NOT want this thing on your resume, even if all you did was watch your cross-dressing uncle play a fat stripper in it. (Yes, the women are incredibly unattractive.). Avoid this, unless laughing at really bad movies is your thing.
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