I've taken a full day to absorb the experience of watching "Halloweed", a horror comedy from 2016 starring Shannon Brown and Simon Rex. I think I'm ready to talk about it, and why it might be the worst thing ever.
As much as the flick has a story, here it is. Brown plays the son of a recently executed serial killer. Rex plays his self-hating closet gay stoner half brother. They decide to move to a small town with a history of murder mysteries so they can... I don't know. Escape the family notoriety? It's not clear. Anyway, killings start as soon as they arrive, so Brown tries to solve the mystery while Rex sells weed with Jason Mewes. There's a hot chick and a smug rich guy too, because of course there is.
Now let's talk about the acting. Brown is completely forgettable, which isn't the worst thing by "Halloweed"'s standards. Rex arrives packing the complete set of 1992's best gay jokes and way too much energy for a stoner role, and he never deviates from either. Michelle Mueller looks the part of the hottie, and her character's reason for existing is to wear something low cut and say "Really?" to the male characters while rolling her eyes and being irritable. I'm not sure she even had to act. The basic competence of Ray Wise, Tom Sizemore, and even Mewes is jarring by comparison to the rest of the cast.
Poor direction, cinematography, sound, and editing also take some blame in this disaster. There are pointless scenes that either go nowhere or introduce threads that aren't referenced again. The one truly hilarious scene in the movie is not intentionally funny: it's when they accidentally show half the face of the heretofore masked killer. A bunch of people- director, editor, producer- watched that cut of that scene and left it in. Absolutely incredible. It's not even toward the end.
At this point with a real train wreck, I like to see if it makes an effort to become bad in a truly unique way. Something memorable. Otherwise, why waste the words on it? Luckily for us, "Halloweed" has us covered with a pair of "Dude, no" scenes. First, a character has a room in his house that's clearly dedicated to sex crimes, and after a couple jokes about it, Brown and Rex shrug and go on living with the guy. Then, at the end, the dying character's main regret is that the hot chick wasn't hot enough to turn his gay son straight. The son agrees that that is the case and it's a bummer. The most offensive thing about "Halloweed" isn't the homophobia, the line-crossing, the fratboyism. You can do all that and still make a great comedy. The most offensive thing about "Halloweed" is that it was packed with all those traits without even trying to be clever or outrageous enough to make them funny. So, for right now, on 1/28/20, I'm calling this the worst movie I've ever seen.
As much as the flick has a story, here it is. Brown plays the son of a recently executed serial killer. Rex plays his self-hating closet gay stoner half brother. They decide to move to a small town with a history of murder mysteries so they can... I don't know. Escape the family notoriety? It's not clear. Anyway, killings start as soon as they arrive, so Brown tries to solve the mystery while Rex sells weed with Jason Mewes. There's a hot chick and a smug rich guy too, because of course there is.
Now let's talk about the acting. Brown is completely forgettable, which isn't the worst thing by "Halloweed"'s standards. Rex arrives packing the complete set of 1992's best gay jokes and way too much energy for a stoner role, and he never deviates from either. Michelle Mueller looks the part of the hottie, and her character's reason for existing is to wear something low cut and say "Really?" to the male characters while rolling her eyes and being irritable. I'm not sure she even had to act. The basic competence of Ray Wise, Tom Sizemore, and even Mewes is jarring by comparison to the rest of the cast.
Poor direction, cinematography, sound, and editing also take some blame in this disaster. There are pointless scenes that either go nowhere or introduce threads that aren't referenced again. The one truly hilarious scene in the movie is not intentionally funny: it's when they accidentally show half the face of the heretofore masked killer. A bunch of people- director, editor, producer- watched that cut of that scene and left it in. Absolutely incredible. It's not even toward the end.
At this point with a real train wreck, I like to see if it makes an effort to become bad in a truly unique way. Something memorable. Otherwise, why waste the words on it? Luckily for us, "Halloweed" has us covered with a pair of "Dude, no" scenes. First, a character has a room in his house that's clearly dedicated to sex crimes, and after a couple jokes about it, Brown and Rex shrug and go on living with the guy. Then, at the end, the dying character's main regret is that the hot chick wasn't hot enough to turn his gay son straight. The son agrees that that is the case and it's a bummer. The most offensive thing about "Halloweed" isn't the homophobia, the line-crossing, the fratboyism. You can do all that and still make a great comedy. The most offensive thing about "Halloweed" is that it was packed with all those traits without even trying to be clever or outrageous enough to make them funny. So, for right now, on 1/28/20, I'm calling this the worst movie I've ever seen.