The Alpines (2021)
4/10
Meh
21 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
While I applaud the effort of a minimal cast and budget, a poorly written script undermined it all. I was expecting an Agatha Christie "And Then There Were None" vibe, but instead watched a MTV soap opera starring whiny dysfunctional "adults" who still quibble over college sex partners. Ew. Maybe I'm a prude by today's standards, but having never swapped friends, I can't relate to the weird dynamics. The main plot point of "secrets" turned out to be quite pedestrian- drug use, sleeping around/ cheating, lying, etc. For this group, it was all in a dorm days work, so what's the big deal now, 5 years later?! Approaching 30, I would assume most rational people have moved on and don't care. While I don't think the acting was the worst I've seen (annoying at times for sure, though), the plot holes drove me crazy. First of all, it takes 4 hours for someone to bring up the invitation. Seriously? No one immediately arrived to the house and thought to talk about, oh I don't know, the REUNION? Who was the first to arrive? How did they get in to the house if it's a mystery who set it all up? Just dumb and insulting to my intelligence. And how convenient the mystery and ensuing fright reveals itself during a- dun..dun...dunnnhhh- storm! The same convenient "storm" that takes out the road apparently, rendering them trapped of course! Maybe I missed the part where they discovered this, but I only recall someone simply stating it as fact and all go along with it. I guess I'm tired of the "no cell reception, no way to leave" plot devices. Then a tire blows out, yada yada yada and it all feels overdone.

Again, maybe I was a different type of adult at that age, but I had zero interest in rekindling college flames ("I had a crush on you"... "cool, let's get it on while I'm supposedly in the midst of withdrawal"). And another personal peeve is how everyone wanted to bang Andy. Blech. I guess I'm not a dude and can't understand the appeal. It all just played out like a middle-school fantasy, complete with matching juvenile dialogue. But nothing excuses the ending. Having dealt with mental illness personally and professionally, this felt gimmicky. Cry baby Zach can't move on to adulthood and make new friends so he devises a scheme to torture the old ones who are obviously morons in their own right? Boo hoo- lame. "Nobody called me back!!!" Maybe because you're as insufferable as the rest of them? The icing on the cake was when the stone cold lawyer turns into "the Cleaner" because apparently the police will never believe 5 corroborating witnesses to a crime scene that pretty much speaks for itself. Uhhh... wtf? Lastly, the biggest unsolved mystery of all... where the hell were the Alpines??
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