I've seen this film at least three times, and I still can't figure out if it is meant to be a farce, a social commentary, or a camp comedy. But I have figured out one thing - this movie stinks on ice.
At the open, we are treated to famed columnist Walter Winchell's blaring out "Good morning Mr. And Mrs. America and all the ships at sea." I'm pretty sure the Mr. America he refers to is not Steve Reeves. And if you were listening to this at sea, I have a suggestion. Get your butt on deck and shoot a tomahawk at somebody, will you please.
Next, we see bombshell Mamie Van Doren making out with some guy in the shadows, while her anxious parents, played by Elisha Cook, Jr. And Pamela Mason, are wondering where the hell she is. When Mamie finally returns home (and her date speeds off), Cook grills her about where she was. This goes on for almost ten minutes. Now I like seeing Mamie on screen, but give me a break. They argue about whether it's three in the morning or quarter to three in the morning. To shut up her father, Mamie concocts a story that she was out with her sociology professor, helping him with his "research survey."
So later that morning, Cook goes to Collins College to confront the professor. The professor turns out to be Steve Allen, who has a sexy coed (Ziva Rodann) sitting on his desk. This situation looks bad (not the girl on the desk, but the fact that Steve Allen is playing a professor). Cook lays into him about the survey, and wants to know what kinds of questions Allen is asking. They get into a heated debate about whether questions of a sexual nature should be asked of the college students. Allen replies "You can't hide sex under rocks or ignore it." No, but you can burn the print of this film and pretend it never existed. To cover his butt, Allen calls another young babe into his office. This chick turns out to be the daughter of the Chair of the Sociology Department, and she happens to be engaged to Allen. (She also disappears from the film shortly thereafter). She verifies that she was with Allen most of the night, which clears him of Mamie-gate. Meanwhile, the audience is left wondering how Allen is getting all these dames.
Allen meets with the Chair, played by Herbert Marshall, the only actor in this film. In fact, Marshall's artificial leg is a better actor than everyone else in the film. It seems someone has sent an anonymous letter to Marshall, complaining about the survey. (I would be worried; from past experience, any time Marshall and a letter cross paths, somebody goes belly up.) Allen presses on with his research, which includes filming college students at a beach party. If I wanted to do this, my university would have me fill out a 20-page document, making me guarantee the privacy of the subjects, and making me promise I would do nothing to endanger them, or other vertebrates.
Enter Jayne Meadows, Allen's real-life spouse, who plays a reporter. She is snooping on Allen while he is filming. He invites her to his pad, which is a complete mess. Their banter is actually entertaining; unfortunately, when they try to act their parts, that's another story. Allen invites Meadows and the college crowd over for a party (another smart move by the Prof), where he plans to show the film. Allen, half-drunk, starts the screening, but disaster ensues. Someone has slipped an "adult film" into his own, which sends everyone out the door. This should have been the audience reaction when someone slipped "College Confidential" into a movie house. The room has barely emptied, when two cops show up at the door. One of them is played by former heavyweight boxing champ Rocky Marciano. In his best Massachusetts accent, Marciano confronts Allen: "Got a complaint at the office about a wild potty up here." At least it sounded like he said "potty." Allen is charged with contributing to the delinquency of minors.
Eventually, a hearing is held, with Magistrate Mickey Shaughnessy presiding. The hearing is held in Shaughnessy's grocery store. Allen apparently is not entitled to a lawyer. The store is filled with real-life Hollywood and newspaper bigwigs, like Earl Wilson, Jim Bacon, and Sheilah Graham. Shaughnessy falls all over them, asking them to look at photos of his daughter, trying to get her into Hollywood. Meanwhile, Walter Winchell sits behind the microphone, offering his running commentary. He spouts gems like "This is a shocker, enough to make Dr. Kinsey blush." When Ziva Rodann is called to testify, Winchell says "They certainly have beautiful girls out here at Collins College. This one would certainly embellish any Broadway show." Today, NOW would swoop down on his butt for saying that. When Mamie takes the stand, Winchell describes her as a "Mamie Van Doren type." Ha ha. I get it. Inside joke. Hysterical. Can't control myself. Wetting my pants.
Shaughnessy decides to quote Voltaire, and then dismiss the charges. Allen, still indignant, gets up and launches into an extended monologue, which no doubt increased sales at the concession stand. At one point, he quotes from Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5: "Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive against thy mother ought; leave her to heaven." He should have quoted Descartes, who famously said "I think, therefore I am ... watching my career go into the toilet."
Oh, the culprit who inserted the adult film? Do you really care?
This is just a stinker film, with possibly the worst casting of all time. I have always liked Steve Allen, as a humorist, composer, and writer, but here he is out of his element. He is all wrong for this part, does incredibly stupid things, and should get no sympathy from the audience. He also looks like Clark Kent, so it is hard to take him seriously. Marshall is wasted, but at least we find out he doesn't like hot dogs. Every time I hear Winchell, I expect Robert Stack to show up with a tommy gun. William Wellman, Jr. And Robert Montgomery, Jr. Have bit parts. Woo Woo Grabowski plays a muscle-bound moron named "Skippy." For musical interludes, we are subjected to Randy Sparks and Conway Twitty. Twitty plays Mamie's boyfriend, which is inconceivable. Then again, Mamie attending college is also inconceivable. What is most inconceivable is that anyone, besides me, would watch this film more than once.
At the open, we are treated to famed columnist Walter Winchell's blaring out "Good morning Mr. And Mrs. America and all the ships at sea." I'm pretty sure the Mr. America he refers to is not Steve Reeves. And if you were listening to this at sea, I have a suggestion. Get your butt on deck and shoot a tomahawk at somebody, will you please.
Next, we see bombshell Mamie Van Doren making out with some guy in the shadows, while her anxious parents, played by Elisha Cook, Jr. And Pamela Mason, are wondering where the hell she is. When Mamie finally returns home (and her date speeds off), Cook grills her about where she was. This goes on for almost ten minutes. Now I like seeing Mamie on screen, but give me a break. They argue about whether it's three in the morning or quarter to three in the morning. To shut up her father, Mamie concocts a story that she was out with her sociology professor, helping him with his "research survey."
So later that morning, Cook goes to Collins College to confront the professor. The professor turns out to be Steve Allen, who has a sexy coed (Ziva Rodann) sitting on his desk. This situation looks bad (not the girl on the desk, but the fact that Steve Allen is playing a professor). Cook lays into him about the survey, and wants to know what kinds of questions Allen is asking. They get into a heated debate about whether questions of a sexual nature should be asked of the college students. Allen replies "You can't hide sex under rocks or ignore it." No, but you can burn the print of this film and pretend it never existed. To cover his butt, Allen calls another young babe into his office. This chick turns out to be the daughter of the Chair of the Sociology Department, and she happens to be engaged to Allen. (She also disappears from the film shortly thereafter). She verifies that she was with Allen most of the night, which clears him of Mamie-gate. Meanwhile, the audience is left wondering how Allen is getting all these dames.
Allen meets with the Chair, played by Herbert Marshall, the only actor in this film. In fact, Marshall's artificial leg is a better actor than everyone else in the film. It seems someone has sent an anonymous letter to Marshall, complaining about the survey. (I would be worried; from past experience, any time Marshall and a letter cross paths, somebody goes belly up.) Allen presses on with his research, which includes filming college students at a beach party. If I wanted to do this, my university would have me fill out a 20-page document, making me guarantee the privacy of the subjects, and making me promise I would do nothing to endanger them, or other vertebrates.
Enter Jayne Meadows, Allen's real-life spouse, who plays a reporter. She is snooping on Allen while he is filming. He invites her to his pad, which is a complete mess. Their banter is actually entertaining; unfortunately, when they try to act their parts, that's another story. Allen invites Meadows and the college crowd over for a party (another smart move by the Prof), where he plans to show the film. Allen, half-drunk, starts the screening, but disaster ensues. Someone has slipped an "adult film" into his own, which sends everyone out the door. This should have been the audience reaction when someone slipped "College Confidential" into a movie house. The room has barely emptied, when two cops show up at the door. One of them is played by former heavyweight boxing champ Rocky Marciano. In his best Massachusetts accent, Marciano confronts Allen: "Got a complaint at the office about a wild potty up here." At least it sounded like he said "potty." Allen is charged with contributing to the delinquency of minors.
Eventually, a hearing is held, with Magistrate Mickey Shaughnessy presiding. The hearing is held in Shaughnessy's grocery store. Allen apparently is not entitled to a lawyer. The store is filled with real-life Hollywood and newspaper bigwigs, like Earl Wilson, Jim Bacon, and Sheilah Graham. Shaughnessy falls all over them, asking them to look at photos of his daughter, trying to get her into Hollywood. Meanwhile, Walter Winchell sits behind the microphone, offering his running commentary. He spouts gems like "This is a shocker, enough to make Dr. Kinsey blush." When Ziva Rodann is called to testify, Winchell says "They certainly have beautiful girls out here at Collins College. This one would certainly embellish any Broadway show." Today, NOW would swoop down on his butt for saying that. When Mamie takes the stand, Winchell describes her as a "Mamie Van Doren type." Ha ha. I get it. Inside joke. Hysterical. Can't control myself. Wetting my pants.
Shaughnessy decides to quote Voltaire, and then dismiss the charges. Allen, still indignant, gets up and launches into an extended monologue, which no doubt increased sales at the concession stand. At one point, he quotes from Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5: "Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive against thy mother ought; leave her to heaven." He should have quoted Descartes, who famously said "I think, therefore I am ... watching my career go into the toilet."
Oh, the culprit who inserted the adult film? Do you really care?
This is just a stinker film, with possibly the worst casting of all time. I have always liked Steve Allen, as a humorist, composer, and writer, but here he is out of his element. He is all wrong for this part, does incredibly stupid things, and should get no sympathy from the audience. He also looks like Clark Kent, so it is hard to take him seriously. Marshall is wasted, but at least we find out he doesn't like hot dogs. Every time I hear Winchell, I expect Robert Stack to show up with a tommy gun. William Wellman, Jr. And Robert Montgomery, Jr. Have bit parts. Woo Woo Grabowski plays a muscle-bound moron named "Skippy." For musical interludes, we are subjected to Randy Sparks and Conway Twitty. Twitty plays Mamie's boyfriend, which is inconceivable. Then again, Mamie attending college is also inconceivable. What is most inconceivable is that anyone, besides me, would watch this film more than once.