A poorly edited start to the movie sees a valet driver beat up three gang members from the movie "Colors." As strange as it sounds, this movie is loud one minute and quiet the next, at the same time. The music blasts your ears away, but when they speak, you can barely hear what they're saying.
The valet driver pays a Spanish hooker to be his girlfriend, and it's an awkward first date, not helped by the fact that the cameraman behind the lens films out of focus.
The valet driver escorts the escort lady to Chinatown and buys her a gyro, which she doesn't even receive.
All of a sudden, a turf war explodes out of the blue and for no reason, and a bunch of fighting tongs display aerial moves and Kung Fu twists that are pretty impressive. I don't know who to cheer for though, as I don't know who's who from whom? Or care for that matter.
The valet driver proves he's a true Triad by playing pool in one of Shredder's internet cafés.
With no lighting on set and no plot to follow, the valet driver red-armies his way through a gang of organized crime lords for no explained reason.
Maniac Cop is introduced looking like one of those porcelain Matryoshka dolls.
The sound on this rip is horrid. There's a backward watermark on the screen that reads rms. Whoever rms is, your uploads are garbage. The movie's a one-legged mule that can't balance its own weight.
The actors are all fresh out of high school and primed from their student film project before they moved on to this more advanced motion picture.
With terrible acting and poor sound, the only highlight of "American Chinatown" is the valet driver displaying his martial arts skills, as no one can lay a hand on him. He beats up anyone he encounters.
Here he goes again, bashing up three Samurai Matrix warriors for no reason.
Oh boy, at times it's like the actors forget their lines and have to think for a few seconds to remember what they were before speaking.
45 minutes in, and none of these actors know who their enemy is. They don't even know what they're fighting for as there are no opposing forces. They just walk around and encounter random goons who don't belong to any clique.
Um, the valet driver is sent on a blind date and worries that Eric won't dig his new dress sense.
Looking at Z'Dar and his big jaw - you broke that jaw? - reminds me of the times I've been stung by bees on my head.
This one time the sucker bit me on the temple, and my eyelid blew up like a golf ball and nearly pushed my eye into the recesses of my skull.
Eric doesn't dig the valet's new suit and stabs him for having poor taste in clothing.
I go from bad to worse with my movie choices.
A one-legged mule has a small percentage of survival, if it ain't euthanized, but amputate that one remaining leg and you have "American Chinatown." This is just a mass of donkey that lies there begging to be bathed, moved, scratched, fed, etc.
This crap needs to become bionic and have metal stumps attached to its shoulders and a skateboard stitched on its torso.
There's no mobility with this movie.
And what quick-fire sales bin did they pull these actors out of? Talk about unlimited Z-grade actors "r" us.
They're just high school kids fresh out of college who had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, but when push came to shove, they must have stood around for hours wasting time to get their bearings as they were scared out of their wits and didn't really know what they were doing when the camera was pushed in their faces. (Frightened were we, boys?)
There was no director to say, "Action," at the very beginning apparently.
This lead actor, the valet driver, must be solely responsible for everything in this movie?
Anyone daring enough to put their name forward as director of this never bothered to.
There is no direction.
It's like a home movie, all pieced together from someone's personal collection of handheld recordings on VHS tape.
This breakup scene at the 57-minute mark, with its raw display of human emotion, is some of the finest drama you'll ever lay eyes on.
Wow, that British actress is the legless mule of this movie. Between her mule mass and Mr. Kung Fu, this garbage is out of bounds and should be sent to the principal's office and have its parents called. This British actress is on equal footing with Jill from "Shootfighter: Fight to the Death." I don't know who's worse.
Training wheels! That's what that framed mule requires: training wheels.
I've seen legless turtles aided by training wheels because they had no back feet.
"American Chinatown" crawled its way out of a satin-lined coffin and managed to find its way onto the shelves of Blockbuster, then somehow miraculously wound up infecting itself on the internet.
The valet driver is fatally stabbed by his blind date but manages to survive.
He loses face and is relegated to being a boat detailer.
He's fatally stabbed in the liver again and ploughs on while Maniac Cop blasts fools away with a 12-gauge, which warrants one point for that.
Maniac Cop gets beat up easily and reveals himself to be a poor martial artist and nothing without his gun.
The dying valet driver beats everyone up, and the final frame of the movie just freezes, and it ends.
We don't get to see what became of the British mass of mule.
If you want to be insulted by rigor mortis actors, then this movie's your ticket.
"American Chinatown" is legless.
The valet driver pays a Spanish hooker to be his girlfriend, and it's an awkward first date, not helped by the fact that the cameraman behind the lens films out of focus.
The valet driver escorts the escort lady to Chinatown and buys her a gyro, which she doesn't even receive.
All of a sudden, a turf war explodes out of the blue and for no reason, and a bunch of fighting tongs display aerial moves and Kung Fu twists that are pretty impressive. I don't know who to cheer for though, as I don't know who's who from whom? Or care for that matter.
The valet driver proves he's a true Triad by playing pool in one of Shredder's internet cafés.
With no lighting on set and no plot to follow, the valet driver red-armies his way through a gang of organized crime lords for no explained reason.
Maniac Cop is introduced looking like one of those porcelain Matryoshka dolls.
The sound on this rip is horrid. There's a backward watermark on the screen that reads rms. Whoever rms is, your uploads are garbage. The movie's a one-legged mule that can't balance its own weight.
The actors are all fresh out of high school and primed from their student film project before they moved on to this more advanced motion picture.
With terrible acting and poor sound, the only highlight of "American Chinatown" is the valet driver displaying his martial arts skills, as no one can lay a hand on him. He beats up anyone he encounters.
Here he goes again, bashing up three Samurai Matrix warriors for no reason.
Oh boy, at times it's like the actors forget their lines and have to think for a few seconds to remember what they were before speaking.
45 minutes in, and none of these actors know who their enemy is. They don't even know what they're fighting for as there are no opposing forces. They just walk around and encounter random goons who don't belong to any clique.
Um, the valet driver is sent on a blind date and worries that Eric won't dig his new dress sense.
Looking at Z'Dar and his big jaw - you broke that jaw? - reminds me of the times I've been stung by bees on my head.
This one time the sucker bit me on the temple, and my eyelid blew up like a golf ball and nearly pushed my eye into the recesses of my skull.
Eric doesn't dig the valet's new suit and stabs him for having poor taste in clothing.
I go from bad to worse with my movie choices.
A one-legged mule has a small percentage of survival, if it ain't euthanized, but amputate that one remaining leg and you have "American Chinatown." This is just a mass of donkey that lies there begging to be bathed, moved, scratched, fed, etc.
This crap needs to become bionic and have metal stumps attached to its shoulders and a skateboard stitched on its torso.
There's no mobility with this movie.
And what quick-fire sales bin did they pull these actors out of? Talk about unlimited Z-grade actors "r" us.
They're just high school kids fresh out of college who had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, but when push came to shove, they must have stood around for hours wasting time to get their bearings as they were scared out of their wits and didn't really know what they were doing when the camera was pushed in their faces. (Frightened were we, boys?)
There was no director to say, "Action," at the very beginning apparently.
This lead actor, the valet driver, must be solely responsible for everything in this movie?
Anyone daring enough to put their name forward as director of this never bothered to.
There is no direction.
It's like a home movie, all pieced together from someone's personal collection of handheld recordings on VHS tape.
This breakup scene at the 57-minute mark, with its raw display of human emotion, is some of the finest drama you'll ever lay eyes on.
Wow, that British actress is the legless mule of this movie. Between her mule mass and Mr. Kung Fu, this garbage is out of bounds and should be sent to the principal's office and have its parents called. This British actress is on equal footing with Jill from "Shootfighter: Fight to the Death." I don't know who's worse.
Training wheels! That's what that framed mule requires: training wheels.
I've seen legless turtles aided by training wheels because they had no back feet.
"American Chinatown" crawled its way out of a satin-lined coffin and managed to find its way onto the shelves of Blockbuster, then somehow miraculously wound up infecting itself on the internet.
The valet driver is fatally stabbed by his blind date but manages to survive.
He loses face and is relegated to being a boat detailer.
He's fatally stabbed in the liver again and ploughs on while Maniac Cop blasts fools away with a 12-gauge, which warrants one point for that.
Maniac Cop gets beat up easily and reveals himself to be a poor martial artist and nothing without his gun.
The dying valet driver beats everyone up, and the final frame of the movie just freezes, and it ends.
We don't get to see what became of the British mass of mule.
If you want to be insulted by rigor mortis actors, then this movie's your ticket.
"American Chinatown" is legless.