Mall singer Tiffany Darwish, or Beverley Marsh, is grooming and yanking knots out of her hair, waiting for Mr. Right to come along and murder her.
In walks Christopher Lee and sinks his teeth into her, but it's only take 33 of a commercial for hair products gone wrong.
Frustrated with his budget sinking by the minute, the director commits suicide as an option instead of facing the wrath of angry investors. (It kind of sounds like Disney currently.) He then jumps for jollies, and the commercial is still considered a success with or without his presence.
Dracula fronts a convention panel with dying fans but collapses from exhaustion himself and passes away, only to be resurrected by Mug, a star-struck fan.
All out of luck and on his last legs, Dracula dies again the next morning.
I don't even feel like watching this.
Dracula raises from the dead again, just as I was about to say that I'd rather watch a swarm of flies wrangle dog droppings than this!
Dracula dies a third time in only 10 minutes and is buried without an inquest. I wish he'd make up his frigging mind. You're either dead or you aren't, fella.
At his open casket funeral, he resembles Zoltar.
In a prerecorded message, Dracula says how rich he was, and the question has to be asked: who does a eulogy for their own funeral service?
Four dudes carry Zoltar to a mausoleum with ease. It took six of us to haul a corpse in real life, and that was a shoulder-excruciating exercise.
Six hours after Zoltar's internment, a handful of pledges hazing ritual involves stealing his corpse.
There should be a sharp improvement for the remainder of this movie because I was two seconds away from ejecting it and watching something else.
I just stepped out for some gum, and I have to be honest with you: I don't know one actor in this, so I don't care about their fate.
The quality of the movie's so dark you can't make heads or tales out of anything. The characters don't have any names. They were introduced poorly, with no background on where they're coming from. They're all cackling their heads off, but can someone inform me what's so funny? This one guy is doing a British accent, but is it slightly interesting or funny?
The Dracula Zoltar is a guest at a dinner table, and the good money says he'll come alive and start killing them all off one by one.
Any of these young actors could be from 1985's 'That Was Then... This Is Now.' Remember the punks who wanted to fight Bryon in the parking lot and he declined?
A bit of 'Weekend at Bernie's' with the dead Zoltar results in two young ones aiding the corpse in a waltz. Maybe a point is warranted for that?
Is that Phil Magera?
The Dracula Zoltar rises from the dead again around the 34-minute mark as a charlatan performs a seance and roams the earth yet again.
Let's put things into perspective here. I got a hundred Canadian loons says Jack the Ripper would kick Dracula's ass in a no-holds bar cage match.
My cat Bungus just pestered me, or bugged me, for food, but I don't mind that I've been interrupted, as I'm not going to miss anything.
I'm not digging this movie tonight. This crap doesn't fly anymore. The 80s just aren't working in 2024 any longer. All our fun got left behind as the future replaced it with what we have now.
"If this is a joke or something, I don't think it's funny," said unknown actor what's his face? I don't think it's funny either, dude.
"Hey, I got an idea," said the director one day while watching back-to-back Hammer movies concurrently. "Let's make a movie with no lighting." Now, that's funny.
Speaking of Saucy Jack, what was that movie where he was like Biff Tannen and wormed his way into a time machine? Think it was a black-and-white movie?
Zoltar just used some sort of spontaneous combustion telekinesis mind trick on a girl. She shriveled up like a plastic bottle. Well, I think she did, as the screen is so dark and I can't make anything out. Either way, she becomes the goddess of fire, crackles violently, and spits fire in a spray of sap and accelerant.
I cut my fingernails earlier tonight. They grow so damn fast. I hate doing it; it hurts. I think one should use soap and hot water before cutting them to make it easier.
Is there much more of this to go? I'm up to the 51-minute mark and sitting here like a pumpkin patch in winter, going nowhere.
Look how stupid this movie is. Two of their friends have been killed, yet they just sit around the mausoleum and forget that they can leave the premises anytime they desire. Yeah, let's just hang around until we're all murdered.
Wow, Zoltar rubs his temples, which induces his pineal gland to release dead body gas to choke another sorority twit.
Just when you think it can't be any more creative, a coffin is employed as a replacement killer. A killer coffin at the 57-minute mark? A coffin? Was that in any Castlevania video games? A piano and table were in Part 4, but not an active coffin. I just watched a coffin in a movie body slam another twit with no name.
Anyone who rated this movie over a one must have thought 'Friday the 13th 3' was Oscar-worthy.
Sinking further into obscurity two other sorority twits go in search of beef stew when everyone else around them is dying. They then find darkness on the lawn and bawl their eyes out over the shadowy lawn. Can this get any stupider?
Because the movie's so dark, I have to assume that's Rusty Griswold dialing for pizza when the beef stew doesn't turn up. Phone reception's poor. Tear it out. No service.
The tenpin bowling Hawaiian baddies from 'The Wanderers' get involved when the movie's nearly over and put a hit out on either Zoltar or the sorority nimrods.
The Dracula Zoltar is killed for the 50th time by a Jason Lives gate spear. No hit is required from the Hawaiian boys, but we're still owed some beef stew.
Zoltar is alive for the fifty-first time, ruptures Rusty Griswold's eardrums while he's on his global European tour, and tortures him alive in a crematorium for good measure.
The Dracula Zoltar dies again for the 52nd time, and a grave robber tries to rob him of his bodily riches but is consumed by greed.
This is stupid, dumb garbage.
Anyone who rated this movie above a one must think that Corey Feldman is an Oscar-winning actor with multiple gold trophies under his belt.
In walks Christopher Lee and sinks his teeth into her, but it's only take 33 of a commercial for hair products gone wrong.
Frustrated with his budget sinking by the minute, the director commits suicide as an option instead of facing the wrath of angry investors. (It kind of sounds like Disney currently.) He then jumps for jollies, and the commercial is still considered a success with or without his presence.
Dracula fronts a convention panel with dying fans but collapses from exhaustion himself and passes away, only to be resurrected by Mug, a star-struck fan.
All out of luck and on his last legs, Dracula dies again the next morning.
I don't even feel like watching this.
Dracula raises from the dead again, just as I was about to say that I'd rather watch a swarm of flies wrangle dog droppings than this!
Dracula dies a third time in only 10 minutes and is buried without an inquest. I wish he'd make up his frigging mind. You're either dead or you aren't, fella.
At his open casket funeral, he resembles Zoltar.
In a prerecorded message, Dracula says how rich he was, and the question has to be asked: who does a eulogy for their own funeral service?
Four dudes carry Zoltar to a mausoleum with ease. It took six of us to haul a corpse in real life, and that was a shoulder-excruciating exercise.
Six hours after Zoltar's internment, a handful of pledges hazing ritual involves stealing his corpse.
There should be a sharp improvement for the remainder of this movie because I was two seconds away from ejecting it and watching something else.
I just stepped out for some gum, and I have to be honest with you: I don't know one actor in this, so I don't care about their fate.
The quality of the movie's so dark you can't make heads or tales out of anything. The characters don't have any names. They were introduced poorly, with no background on where they're coming from. They're all cackling their heads off, but can someone inform me what's so funny? This one guy is doing a British accent, but is it slightly interesting or funny?
The Dracula Zoltar is a guest at a dinner table, and the good money says he'll come alive and start killing them all off one by one.
Any of these young actors could be from 1985's 'That Was Then... This Is Now.' Remember the punks who wanted to fight Bryon in the parking lot and he declined?
A bit of 'Weekend at Bernie's' with the dead Zoltar results in two young ones aiding the corpse in a waltz. Maybe a point is warranted for that?
Is that Phil Magera?
The Dracula Zoltar rises from the dead again around the 34-minute mark as a charlatan performs a seance and roams the earth yet again.
Let's put things into perspective here. I got a hundred Canadian loons says Jack the Ripper would kick Dracula's ass in a no-holds bar cage match.
My cat Bungus just pestered me, or bugged me, for food, but I don't mind that I've been interrupted, as I'm not going to miss anything.
I'm not digging this movie tonight. This crap doesn't fly anymore. The 80s just aren't working in 2024 any longer. All our fun got left behind as the future replaced it with what we have now.
"If this is a joke or something, I don't think it's funny," said unknown actor what's his face? I don't think it's funny either, dude.
"Hey, I got an idea," said the director one day while watching back-to-back Hammer movies concurrently. "Let's make a movie with no lighting." Now, that's funny.
Speaking of Saucy Jack, what was that movie where he was like Biff Tannen and wormed his way into a time machine? Think it was a black-and-white movie?
Zoltar just used some sort of spontaneous combustion telekinesis mind trick on a girl. She shriveled up like a plastic bottle. Well, I think she did, as the screen is so dark and I can't make anything out. Either way, she becomes the goddess of fire, crackles violently, and spits fire in a spray of sap and accelerant.
I cut my fingernails earlier tonight. They grow so damn fast. I hate doing it; it hurts. I think one should use soap and hot water before cutting them to make it easier.
Is there much more of this to go? I'm up to the 51-minute mark and sitting here like a pumpkin patch in winter, going nowhere.
Look how stupid this movie is. Two of their friends have been killed, yet they just sit around the mausoleum and forget that they can leave the premises anytime they desire. Yeah, let's just hang around until we're all murdered.
Wow, Zoltar rubs his temples, which induces his pineal gland to release dead body gas to choke another sorority twit.
Just when you think it can't be any more creative, a coffin is employed as a replacement killer. A killer coffin at the 57-minute mark? A coffin? Was that in any Castlevania video games? A piano and table were in Part 4, but not an active coffin. I just watched a coffin in a movie body slam another twit with no name.
Anyone who rated this movie over a one must have thought 'Friday the 13th 3' was Oscar-worthy.
Sinking further into obscurity two other sorority twits go in search of beef stew when everyone else around them is dying. They then find darkness on the lawn and bawl their eyes out over the shadowy lawn. Can this get any stupider?
Because the movie's so dark, I have to assume that's Rusty Griswold dialing for pizza when the beef stew doesn't turn up. Phone reception's poor. Tear it out. No service.
The tenpin bowling Hawaiian baddies from 'The Wanderers' get involved when the movie's nearly over and put a hit out on either Zoltar or the sorority nimrods.
The Dracula Zoltar is killed for the 50th time by a Jason Lives gate spear. No hit is required from the Hawaiian boys, but we're still owed some beef stew.
Zoltar is alive for the fifty-first time, ruptures Rusty Griswold's eardrums while he's on his global European tour, and tortures him alive in a crematorium for good measure.
The Dracula Zoltar dies again for the 52nd time, and a grave robber tries to rob him of his bodily riches but is consumed by greed.
This is stupid, dumb garbage.
Anyone who rated this movie above a one must think that Corey Feldman is an Oscar-winning actor with multiple gold trophies under his belt.