Because it wasn't nearly as campy and inept as everyone is making it out to be. Oh, it's still bad but in a super-dull and exceedingly pointless fashion. I was hoping for Corman's Fantastic Four-levels of corniness and it was just Dakota Johnson mumble-coring and dead-eying her way through meandering scene after scene that had no tension or sense.
The whole movie felt like an unaired pilot for a Saturday morning kids' show called Spider Teens Stupid Force. And sadly, the most interesting part was the flashforward stuff with the kids - which is what should have been the real movie. Not EMT call after EMT call after baby shower with Adam Scott. He was bizarrely effective in a straight guy role - very caring and involving while Dakota Johnson was dreaming of Cabo or finally inheriting grandma's big cat rescue or all those Miami Vice residuals from dad.
But she looks that disinterested in everything she has ever done, so I guess she was a paramedic.
Anyway, it's just boring. I mean, scenes happen. Over and over. Literally. Because of her arachnid powers to endure bad screenwriting? I guess. And that stuff got really old. Quickly. We got it the first twelve times. Too bad it took her way longer to understand what was going on. Yeah, she's that dim.
The villain guy was dumb and smarmy. The ending was dragged out and the denouement was setting up a sequel or show that will thankfully never happen. So yay?
But shoot. I was hoping for Birdemic cheesiness. And I got Raimi's Spiderman 3 stupidity.
The whole movie felt like an unaired pilot for a Saturday morning kids' show called Spider Teens Stupid Force. And sadly, the most interesting part was the flashforward stuff with the kids - which is what should have been the real movie. Not EMT call after EMT call after baby shower with Adam Scott. He was bizarrely effective in a straight guy role - very caring and involving while Dakota Johnson was dreaming of Cabo or finally inheriting grandma's big cat rescue or all those Miami Vice residuals from dad.
But she looks that disinterested in everything she has ever done, so I guess she was a paramedic.
Anyway, it's just boring. I mean, scenes happen. Over and over. Literally. Because of her arachnid powers to endure bad screenwriting? I guess. And that stuff got really old. Quickly. We got it the first twelve times. Too bad it took her way longer to understand what was going on. Yeah, she's that dim.
The villain guy was dumb and smarmy. The ending was dragged out and the denouement was setting up a sequel or show that will thankfully never happen. So yay?
But shoot. I was hoping for Birdemic cheesiness. And I got Raimi's Spiderman 3 stupidity.