The Woodsman (2004)
1/10
Groan
24 March 2024
Warning: Spoilers
Have a heart for the child molester. That was my takeaway from this gobbly gook.

I was interested because Kevin Bacon, Mos Def, and David Alan Grier are in it. Kevin Bacon has done some awesome movies over his career and I thought this may be another one. Wrong! Bacon plays a guy named Walter Rossworth who just got out of prison for child molesting. These guys are so low on the filth totem pole that some of them don't even make it out of prison. In fact, they have to be put into protective custody (PC) to ensure their survival.

Walter gets out of prison, gets a place (across the street from a school!!!), lands a job, and bags a girlfriend all within the first 15 minutes of the movie which is about two weeks cinema time. There are felons guilty of holding marijuana who don't get those kinds of breaks. Just seeing this slimy perv out and about turned my stomach. But the part that bothered me the most, or the character who bothered me the most, was Vicki (Kyra Sedgwick). She was straight from the Ho' Emporium which is a subsidiary of Ho's R Us. She works at a lumber yard with a bunch of dudes and the ones she doesn't like she cusses out like a sailor, but Walter, she likes. She screws Walter on their first encounter. But before having sex with him she asks, "What are your secrets?"

Walter: "Why?"

Vicki: "Because I'd like to know before we have sex. I don't like to waste time."

Me: "What? Really? Are you really doing this? You're a different kinda harlot."

Vicki: "So, are you going to tell me?"

Walter: "No."

And then she slept with him anyway. And it was "intense" as she said. Then, a few scenes later and a few more sexual escapades later he tells her that he molested girls. What was the response of Ms. Screw-First-Ask-Questions-Last? Shock. But she quickly got over it because everyone needs love. Her brothers molested her, and she loves them still, so why not love this child molester?

If I wasn't flabbergasted at her behavior the first time, I certainly was when she decided to resume her affair with the pedophile. I guess the small niche where I'm from I'm not used to pedophile-loving women. There's usually this maternal thing in the women I know that keeps such men at bay.

Vicki is one of those mother hens that loves a project. Walter was damaged goods and she was the woman to repair him.

Bottom line, I couldn't get with the program. I don't know what's the point of doing a sentimental piece about a child molester. Let's do a sentimental piece on John Wayne Gacy while we're at it. I don't care how far he went with the girls, because however far he went was too far.

I don't know what I expected from this movie: a reformed sinner, a pedo who helps police, or a perv who slowly wastes away being eaten up by his crime. Any of these would've been acceptable. What I didn't expect was a pedophile protagonist with a fairy godmother who chases him around like a wounded puppy dog.

But we should love Walter because he resisted his urge to molest another little girl he met in the park. Hurray Walter! And, because of his pedo-spidey senses he was able to beat up another child molester and, in effect, help catch him. Hurray again! Walter you're a regular superhero. In fact, you deserve a plaque. Everyone who hates you is wrong. This movie was screaming, "You see, you shouldn't hate pedophiles, you should love them and come to their aid."

This was some putrid claptrap not worthy of being outhouse toilet paper.
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