Sat, Sep 22, 1973
Every day for the past six weeks, at 5:00 o'clock p.m. on the nose, a North Korean "washout from Kamikaze school" has let loose a bomb in the general direction of the hospital's sub-ammo dump. Very affectionately known as "Five O'Clock Charlie," the only thing he hits on the nose is the time. Every day, Radar opens book on the day's exploits and takes bets on how close (in yards) Charlie will come to the sub-ammo dump. It is an occasion for cocktails and frivolity at 4077, not unlike the Kentucky Derby... until Frank demands Henry get him a "nug" from Brigadier Gen. Clayton. Capt. Phil Cardozo, the singing dentist, gives the drunken duo a new slant on things. If there is anything that will beat Frank and his nug, it is 4 dozen sheets, 18 gallons of mercurochrome and a little thing called psychology.
Sat, Jan 19, 1974
Another day, another complaint to Gen. Mitchell, compliments of Hotlips, Inc. and Henry is tired of their constant abuse. To make matters worse, Private Danny Baker keeps going AWOL. With the help of Fr. Mulcahy, Hawkeye and Trapper get to the bottom of Baker's trouble: his huge nose. Hawkeye calls his old buddy, renowned plastic surgeon, Major Stanley "Stosh" Robbins, (Stuart Margolin) to perform the surgery...in exchange for a date with "The Barracuda." The big problem: all elective surgery is against U.S. military regulations. Hotlips, Inc. are very suspicious. But promises were made and contingency plans laid. Will Baker get a new nose? Will Stosh meet The Barracuda? Dig through all of the white tape to find out!
Sat, Feb 23, 1974
Mail call yields goodies like photos and cookies (Trapper) and a huge knitted sweater (Hawkeye) but Henry gets only canceled checks. Frank's stock portfolio doubled since the war began but when he tells the guys they are less than thrilled. Margaret takes it as a near proposal of marriage. Klinger's father is dying for the 18th time; his file is full of familial death and pregnancy. Frank finds Hawkeye's letter to his father about Pioneer Aviation so Frank asks Radar to cable his brokers to liquidate and buy Pioneer. Radar has a pen pal named Mary Jo Carpenter; he tells Hawkeye he sent Mary Jo Hawkeye's own photo and other info. Trapper gets ripped and packs to go AWOL. Will Radar 'fess up to Mary Jo? Will Trapper stay? How will Frank enjoy not being a millionaire?
Sat, Mar 2, 1974
A helicopter crash introduces the 4077 to Colonel Sam Flagg, the well-built (says Hotlips) paranoid with a broken arm who refuses all painkillers. Colonel Flagg (who can also be identified as Major Brooks, Lt. Carter, Ensign Troy and Capt. Louise Klein) is CIA. Meanwhile, Trapper's friend, Vinny Pratt, also drops in; Vinny is Intelligence (G-2) and he wants to find out what Flagg is doing. Flagg is BIG, so his operation must be crucial. Because of Fr. Mulcahy, Vinny cannot be Capt. Perkins the priest, so he becomes Capt. Stone, the engineer. Vinny Pratt introduces himself to Henry as Major Strauss G-2 and tells Henry to call him Pratt. Flagg tells Hawkeye Flagg is Carter and Stone is really Martinez; so, if Martinez is there, the operation must be really BIG. Flagg is in the CID; he tells people he is CIA because it throws off people who think he is CIC. Then, Flagg re-breaks his own arm so he can continue treating...and spying. The surgeons have had more "intelligence" for one lifetime, Radar cables Tijuana for Flagg: "Mary had a little lamb. Stop. My dog has fleas. Stop. Mairzy doats and dozey doats, and I'll be home for Christmas. Signed: Your loving son, Queen Victoria." Pratt says HE is Mary. The guys bring the spy nonsense to a head by "doctoring" personnel files. Is Frank Burns a Communist, like Flagg believes? Or is he a Fascist, as Pratt suspects? It may be off to the Lubyanka, or some other gulag, for old Ferret Face.