This is hard to rate because it's objectively terrible with awful framing, lighting, acting, writing, choreography, and a nonsense plot BUT it's also hilarious, filled with nudity and EVERYONE is on roller skates the whole time! It's a must see if you like terrible movies.
24 Reviews
There are no rollerblades in this movie
BandSAboutMovies8 October 2019
Warning: Spoilers
1985's Roller Blade was directed by Donald Jackson, who was no stranger to end of the world movies. You'd probably know him best for the movie where Roddy Piper plays a male stud who knocks up fertile women and battles amphibians, Hell Comes to Frogtown.
He was also no stranger to post-nuke films that feature people on skates, for some reason. This very narrow genre of films is actually much wider than you think it is, thanks to movies like Solarbabies, Prayer of the Rollerboys and the many, many films that Jackson created, such as Roller Blade Warriors: Taken by Force, The Roller Blade Seven, The Legend of the Rollerblade Seven and Return of the Roller Blade Seven. He was also responsible for the 1996's Rollergator, in which a purple jive talking alligator escapes from Joe Estevez's carnival and does battle with a skateboarding ninja.
Look - it's 4 AM and I'm not certain that any of this is real. I'm just going to write what I know and hope that this record proves that I was here, alive on Planet Earth and trying to contribute something worthwhile before I become dust.
In the City of Lost Angels, Sister Speed leads a holy order of rollerskating nuns called the Bod Sisters that try to protect humanity from the fascist regime that seems to be holding sway over things. All of the nuns wear strange cult-like robes with iron crosses on them when they're not nude and Sister Speed rolls around in a wheelchair, yet she still has her skates on, just in case her legs decide to start working again.
Perhaps the most telling thing I can say about this movie is that everyone is on old four-wheeled skates and not inline Rollerblades, so it's basically lying to you with every single moment of screen time.
Then again, this is also a movie where switchblades are used to heal people.
The sisters also have this magic crystal that the bad guys want and they've possessed a young girl to infiltrate the skating nuns. Those bad guys are led by Dr. Santicoy, who has a leather dom mask and a hand puppet made from a silver painted baby doll that he talks to. Also, for some reason, one of the head nuns is a dog named the Holy Hound Gideon. Yes, they put a dog in a colorful nun outfit that kind of makes that canine look like it joined some weird Satanic cult.
Nearly every single person in this movie has been dubbed, which makes it seem like you're watching an episode of Power Rangers, but it's an episode where everyone has naked rollerskate fights and has sapphic interludes in a hot tub.
There's also a group of skating law enforcement officers led by Marshall Goodman, whose son Little Chris (played by Fred Olen Ray's young son) runs away without his skates. Yes, he disobeyed the biggest rule in this wasteland. He took his skates off.
Unlike nearly every great end of the world movie, no effort has been made to explain how the world got this way. Who has time when there's so much skating to do?
It also shouldn't surprise you that a majority of the Bod Sisters - like Shaun Michelle, Melanie Scott, Crystal Breeze and Michelle Bauer (who was also in Dr. Alien and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama - are well-known adult actresses. The quality of a mid-1980's VCA adult effort is completely apparent here, but just when you expect the performers to start getting down, they start skate fighting instead.
I'm not sure who this movie was made for, why it existed or how it found it's way into my Plex stream at 4:49 AM, but it's moments like these that make me realize that God doesn't play dice and that there's some kind of grand plan. Because otherwise, watching a cinema opus like Roller Blade would find me screaming into the void.
He was also no stranger to post-nuke films that feature people on skates, for some reason. This very narrow genre of films is actually much wider than you think it is, thanks to movies like Solarbabies, Prayer of the Rollerboys and the many, many films that Jackson created, such as Roller Blade Warriors: Taken by Force, The Roller Blade Seven, The Legend of the Rollerblade Seven and Return of the Roller Blade Seven. He was also responsible for the 1996's Rollergator, in which a purple jive talking alligator escapes from Joe Estevez's carnival and does battle with a skateboarding ninja.
Look - it's 4 AM and I'm not certain that any of this is real. I'm just going to write what I know and hope that this record proves that I was here, alive on Planet Earth and trying to contribute something worthwhile before I become dust.
In the City of Lost Angels, Sister Speed leads a holy order of rollerskating nuns called the Bod Sisters that try to protect humanity from the fascist regime that seems to be holding sway over things. All of the nuns wear strange cult-like robes with iron crosses on them when they're not nude and Sister Speed rolls around in a wheelchair, yet she still has her skates on, just in case her legs decide to start working again.
Perhaps the most telling thing I can say about this movie is that everyone is on old four-wheeled skates and not inline Rollerblades, so it's basically lying to you with every single moment of screen time.
Then again, this is also a movie where switchblades are used to heal people.
The sisters also have this magic crystal that the bad guys want and they've possessed a young girl to infiltrate the skating nuns. Those bad guys are led by Dr. Santicoy, who has a leather dom mask and a hand puppet made from a silver painted baby doll that he talks to. Also, for some reason, one of the head nuns is a dog named the Holy Hound Gideon. Yes, they put a dog in a colorful nun outfit that kind of makes that canine look like it joined some weird Satanic cult.
Nearly every single person in this movie has been dubbed, which makes it seem like you're watching an episode of Power Rangers, but it's an episode where everyone has naked rollerskate fights and has sapphic interludes in a hot tub.
There's also a group of skating law enforcement officers led by Marshall Goodman, whose son Little Chris (played by Fred Olen Ray's young son) runs away without his skates. Yes, he disobeyed the biggest rule in this wasteland. He took his skates off.
Unlike nearly every great end of the world movie, no effort has been made to explain how the world got this way. Who has time when there's so much skating to do?
It also shouldn't surprise you that a majority of the Bod Sisters - like Shaun Michelle, Melanie Scott, Crystal Breeze and Michelle Bauer (who was also in Dr. Alien and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama - are well-known adult actresses. The quality of a mid-1980's VCA adult effort is completely apparent here, but just when you expect the performers to start getting down, they start skate fighting instead.
I'm not sure who this movie was made for, why it existed or how it found it's way into my Plex stream at 4:49 AM, but it's moments like these that make me realize that God doesn't play dice and that there's some kind of grand plan. Because otherwise, watching a cinema opus like Roller Blade would find me screaming into the void.
gratuitous nudity galore
trashgang22 May 2012
If you pick up horror magazines from 1986 then they promised us the next big thing, roller skate flicks. Rollerball (1975) was a big hit but all the others concerning skates were pure trash. And this do fits that line.
The acting is really terrible and the story goes nowhere so sure this is a B-flick and it does have a monster that is operated by a hand, easy to spot. It do has weird clothing and it do has a lot of nudity. I won't go into names here to see but I was surprised that a lot of girls went full frontal in the most gratuitous way. There is a bath tub scene that is just filmed for the guys.
As stupid as it can gets this is just for the B-flick lovers, I even wouldn't classify it under exploitation. Another example why horror started to fail after 1986. The franchise became ridiculous and in most horrors the gore was left out. Almost unwatchable wasn't it for the girls stripping for nothing at all...
Gore 1/5 Nudity 3/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5
The acting is really terrible and the story goes nowhere so sure this is a B-flick and it does have a monster that is operated by a hand, easy to spot. It do has weird clothing and it do has a lot of nudity. I won't go into names here to see but I was surprised that a lot of girls went full frontal in the most gratuitous way. There is a bath tub scene that is just filmed for the guys.
As stupid as it can gets this is just for the B-flick lovers, I even wouldn't classify it under exploitation. Another example why horror started to fail after 1986. The franchise became ridiculous and in most horrors the gore was left out. Almost unwatchable wasn't it for the girls stripping for nothing at all...
Gore 1/5 Nudity 3/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5
I loved it, really!
SurfNazi2 May 1999
So it DOES exist!
kroolshooz13 April 2021
I saw this movie eons ago, probably shortly after it came out. And the only reason I'm here looking it up on IMDB is that I had to prove to myself that this movie really existed and wasn't a late-night hallucination from my drug-addled post-college daze. To be honest, finding out that it really DOES exist is MORE disturbing than the alternative. This was the most insanely bad movie I have ever seen, by far. I recall one of the post-apocalyptic characters wearing a re-purposed colander as a helmet. You know a film is low-budget when the costume designer was raiding the kitchen cabinet.
This movie would actually be worth seeing, or even owning, for one purpose: if your friends are ever talking about the worst movies they've ever seen, you can hear them out with a smug smile on your face and then say "You think you know bad movies? Watch this..." You'll blow 'em out of the water.
This movie would actually be worth seeing, or even owning, for one purpose: if your friends are ever talking about the worst movies they've ever seen, you can hear them out with a smug smile on your face and then say "You think you know bad movies? Watch this..." You'll blow 'em out of the water.
Needs more fans.
Java_Joe21 August 2018
There are certain bad movies out there that everybody knows. People talk of "Plan Nine From Outer Space" or "Robot Monster" or more recent movies like "The Room" and "Birdemic: Shock and Terror". But this one is seemingly unknown by the majority of people and that's a shame because it's awful in such a good way.
The story, if you can call it that, takes place at some point in the future. There are no cars and the only way to get around is on roller skates. Not roller blades mind you, roller skates. The "blade" part deals with knives because people use them.
There's this doctor character with a mutant hand puppet that wants a magic crystal because something something rule the world. You know, typical bad guy stuff. But in his way are the Bod Sisters, a group of rollerskating nuns armed with knives. There's a sheriff of sorts who speaks in Elizabethan English or maybe it's supposed to be biblical, I'm not sure but it's a lot of "Yay verily" and stuff like that.
And then three of the Bod Sisters get naked in a pool and perform some ceremony in front of a glowing happy face. Why? I don't know. It's never really explained and they're never seen from again. I guess they wanted to up the sexy in this to maybe get more people to watch it?
Oh and everybody's voice is dubbed. It's like they got three or four people in the recording booth and just had them record everybody's lines.
It's a shame that this never got a DVD release because I know that I'd want a copy if for nothing else to put on my bad movie shelf. This really needs to be seen to be believed.
The story, if you can call it that, takes place at some point in the future. There are no cars and the only way to get around is on roller skates. Not roller blades mind you, roller skates. The "blade" part deals with knives because people use them.
There's this doctor character with a mutant hand puppet that wants a magic crystal because something something rule the world. You know, typical bad guy stuff. But in his way are the Bod Sisters, a group of rollerskating nuns armed with knives. There's a sheriff of sorts who speaks in Elizabethan English or maybe it's supposed to be biblical, I'm not sure but it's a lot of "Yay verily" and stuff like that.
And then three of the Bod Sisters get naked in a pool and perform some ceremony in front of a glowing happy face. Why? I don't know. It's never really explained and they're never seen from again. I guess they wanted to up the sexy in this to maybe get more people to watch it?
Oh and everybody's voice is dubbed. It's like they got three or four people in the recording booth and just had them record everybody's lines.
It's a shame that this never got a DVD release because I know that I'd want a copy if for nothing else to put on my bad movie shelf. This really needs to be seen to be believed.
Terrible, pitiful, embarrassing... but you can't stop watching!
capkronos27 May 2007
Warning: Spoilers
In the post-apocalyptic future, sadistic thugs run amok and a monstrous masked villain named Saticoy and his evil henchmen are responsible for all kinds of mayhem on their quest to find a magical amulet that will give them total control. Our saviors come in the form a slew of spiritual, scantily-clad young ladies who worship a "Have a Nice Day" happy face (!?) and skate around dusty desert locales righting wrongs as they try to beat the bad guy to his target. Suzanne Solari leads the pack as Sister Sharon Cross, a noble and courageous young woman, frequently seen in a thong, who takes orders from the mystical Mother Speed (Katina Garner). B movie queen Michelle Bauer, along with adult film actresses Susannah Britton (billed under real name) and Crystal Breeze (billed as "Lisa Marie") provide plenty of full nudity as "Bod Sisters." They skate around in skimpy rags (if anything at all), fight bad guys while topless and regenerate bodily damage by stripping down and hopping into a Fountain of Youth-like hot tub. Add to the mix ludicrous pseudo-philosophical dialogue, some of the cheapest production values known to civilized man (director/scripter/producer Donald G. Jackson supposedly financed this by maxing out credit cards!), awful special effects and acting, an idiot who begins most of his sentences with "Thee" or "Thou" and a lusty hand puppet monster and you have one of the most ridiculous movies ever conceived. This thing is NUTS!! And it was followed by at least two sequels; ROLLER BLADE WARRIORS: TAKEN BY FORCE (1988; which is also pretty hilarious) and THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN (1992; which I haven't seen yet, but sure would like to). If you're a fan of "so bad it's good" type movies, seek out this title. You won't regret it.
Yea verily, this movie stinketh
chiantang_tw18 September 2005
In the future, there will be an apocalypse. This will make useless any vehicle more motorized than a bicycle. So roller blades will rule the world.
Enter the roller blading nuns. They help law enforcement defeat evil in the near-lawless future of the film. Like all post-apocalyptic nuns, these naturally are martial arts experts and speak in a quasi-Shakespearean way. Of course, the writer can't do even this correctly, so "verily we geteth a lot of painful dialogue-eth".
This movie is very bad - story, dialogue, acting, effects and direction all fail miserably. When my buddies and I rented it, we realized our mistake when the film ended - and scenes on the back of the VHS tape box were not actually in the movie. I can not stress this strongly enough. If your marketing dept thinks your finished product is so awful that they must use shots from the editing room floor to market your film, then you should retire from film-making.
Enter the roller blading nuns. They help law enforcement defeat evil in the near-lawless future of the film. Like all post-apocalyptic nuns, these naturally are martial arts experts and speak in a quasi-Shakespearean way. Of course, the writer can't do even this correctly, so "verily we geteth a lot of painful dialogue-eth".
This movie is very bad - story, dialogue, acting, effects and direction all fail miserably. When my buddies and I rented it, we realized our mistake when the film ended - and scenes on the back of the VHS tape box were not actually in the movie. I can not stress this strongly enough. If your marketing dept thinks your finished product is so awful that they must use shots from the editing room floor to market your film, then you should retire from film-making.
"Skate or die!" - uh, can I die please?
udar5527 August 2009
I'm not much for reading into things, but - no joke - my VCR spit this out twice last night when I put it in. Turns out I'm dumb enough to fix the problem (stuck gate) and throw the video back in.
The plot is roughly this - evil Dr. Saticoy wants a magic crystal held by The Holy Rollers (yes, roller skating nuns). The crystal has the power to heal the dead but he wants it to launch himself across a cavern to some weapons factory. Did I mention he has a mutant baby for a right hand? This is truly one of the worst films ever made. Words really can't describe how awful it is. The whole thing is dubbed (by people with heavy accents) and everyone talks as if in a Shakespeare play with lots of "Thee" and "Thou" being slung around. And, for whatever reason, in the bleak future everyone will be on roller skates. The film just drags and one can't help but wonder what kinda of drugs director Donald Jackson was on. Sadly, he tried to ply this trash as art and throws out, "If you don't like it, you don't get it" in interviews. Um, no. I actually remember liking his HELL CAME TO FROGTOWN.
The end credits threaten ROLLER BLADE PART 2: HOLY THUNDER. Jackson never burdened the world with that specific follow-up, but did unleash SIX (!!!) more ROLLER BLADE themed films, including the amusingly titled ROLLERGATOR.
The plot is roughly this - evil Dr. Saticoy wants a magic crystal held by The Holy Rollers (yes, roller skating nuns). The crystal has the power to heal the dead but he wants it to launch himself across a cavern to some weapons factory. Did I mention he has a mutant baby for a right hand? This is truly one of the worst films ever made. Words really can't describe how awful it is. The whole thing is dubbed (by people with heavy accents) and everyone talks as if in a Shakespeare play with lots of "Thee" and "Thou" being slung around. And, for whatever reason, in the bleak future everyone will be on roller skates. The film just drags and one can't help but wonder what kinda of drugs director Donald Jackson was on. Sadly, he tried to ply this trash as art and throws out, "If you don't like it, you don't get it" in interviews. Um, no. I actually remember liking his HELL CAME TO FROGTOWN.
The end credits threaten ROLLER BLADE PART 2: HOLY THUNDER. Jackson never burdened the world with that specific follow-up, but did unleash SIX (!!!) more ROLLER BLADE themed films, including the amusingly titled ROLLERGATOR.
Is there a way to give it a zero?
gwozniak6 November 1998
This was a tough one to sit through. In my quest to find the worst movie ever made, I have come across "Glen or Glenda" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate", but "Roller Blade" may edge out these two as the most painful of media to watch (aside from the evening news). Be warned. Not for the faint of heart.
Mother Speed!!!!
yodasw1631 August 2002
The leader of the bod sisters is named mother speed. She is in a wheel chair but still wears roller skates for god sake. My favorite part is that they dubbed over the character voices with bad old english accents but you can see the lips saying "you" but you here "thou." Absolutely brilliant.
Good God..did you take this seriously?
spookydude13916 October 2005
I gave it an 8.. if you're looking for a B movie..ONLY a B movie will fit the bill..the fact that the entire cast is on rollerskates was the first clue that this was a truly a B movie.
I don't understand why folks insist on sitting through B movies and then get mad. You know it sucks. You know it's the chum of the movie world..yet..you keep looking for poached salmon..blegh.. get over it. Watch it for what it is..
Even Mother Speed (wheelchair bound) is wearing skates..holy crap..
My husband's favorite is the "Holy Hot Tub" where all wounds are healed.. with chicks with big boobs rubbing each other.. jeez.. if that doesn't say B movie..nothing does..
Get over it.. watch it for the silliness.stupidity and complete ridiculous premise.. have some FUN..jeez.. it ain't art..tis... crap.. enjoy it!!!!
I don't understand why folks insist on sitting through B movies and then get mad. You know it sucks. You know it's the chum of the movie world..yet..you keep looking for poached salmon..blegh.. get over it. Watch it for what it is..
Even Mother Speed (wheelchair bound) is wearing skates..holy crap..
My husband's favorite is the "Holy Hot Tub" where all wounds are healed.. with chicks with big boobs rubbing each other.. jeez.. if that doesn't say B movie..nothing does..
Get over it.. watch it for the silliness.stupidity and complete ridiculous premise.. have some FUN..jeez.. it ain't art..tis... crap.. enjoy it!!!!
Guilty Pleasure
hurd629 September 2005
Roller Blade is not and has not pretense of being a great movie. Anyone applying a rigorous scientific analysis to the technologies depicted will either pull out her hair or laugh herself silly.
But it delivers exactly what it promises = action & babes in skimpy outfits. And as one of those babes is the delicious Michelle Bauer, this remains one of my guilty pleasures.
There were just enough literary references in the movie to lead me to believe the producers toyed with the idea of making it a serious flick, but then we were treated to more babes.
All Michelle Bauer fans should watch every film she ever appears in, even this one.
But it delivers exactly what it promises = action & babes in skimpy outfits. And as one of those babes is the delicious Michelle Bauer, this remains one of my guilty pleasures.
There were just enough literary references in the movie to lead me to believe the producers toyed with the idea of making it a serious flick, but then we were treated to more babes.
All Michelle Bauer fans should watch every film she ever appears in, even this one.
Talentless crap.
sibisi733 March 2004
Films like this really defy any sort of critical analysis because how 'bad' they are is directly related to how much enjoyment you get out of it. That said, this effort, whilst offering at least a few good laughs, is ultimately so lame that it wears very thin. You might find yourself sticking with it to the end with a sense of utter disbelief or you might only get past the first scene, but either way you'll be wondering just how little money it cost to make, and just how the hell they got a distribution deal in the first place. Cult status is assured (it's already had 3 sequels, which is unfathomable) - it's a futuristic sci-fi adventure with roller-skating nuns, child kidnap, power crystals, and naked nuns in jacuzzis. Trash doesn't get any worse or any weirder, and it's a thin line between talentless crap and auteur genius.
Is it the worse film I've ever seen? Yea, verily.
Is it the worse film I've ever seen? Yea, verily.
Demented science fiction
lor_13 March 2023
My review was written in July 1986 after watching the movie on New World video cassette.
The fad of low-budget science fiction films inspired by the Aussie hit "The Road Warrior" reaches its nadir with New World's "Roller Blade", an amateurish junker released directly to the home video market.
Set in the "City of Lost Angels" during an unspecified post-W. W. III period of barbarism, pic has a female religious order controlled by Mother Speed (Katina Garner) battling with Dr. Saticoy (Robby Talor dressed like a "Road Warrior" bad guy) and his evil henchmen. The novelty of everyone performing on roller skates (except Mother Speed, who's in a wheelchair and young punkers called spikers who use skateboards) soon wear off nd the film becomes interminable.
Saticoy sends a foxy blonde girl (Shaun Michelle) to infiltrate Mother Speed's order and steal her power crystal, which has the ability to heal and even bring the dead back to life (it only works one time per customer, however, on stiffs). She ultimaely rebels and joins the good guys, who, led by Sister Sharon (Suzanne Solari) and a local cop (Marshall Goodman) destroy Saticoy.
Filmmaker Donald G. Jackson apparently shot this mess silent and poorly dubbed new voices for the characters, which only make it seem inferior to the numerous post-synched Italian films in the genre. Special effects (some of which appear to be executed by video techniques) are poor and there is no evidence of a futuristic society in the west coast locations and familiar looking freaks. Inane dialog fails to be funny and Saticoy's hand puppet/doll "baby" sidekick *(at one point it does a Froggy the Gremlin impression from Andy Devine's 1950s tv show) is too silly for a pro feature.
Obviously aware of the video marketplace, Jackson features a great deal of female nudity, including several porn actresses in minor roles.
End credits promote a sequel, subtitled "Holy Thunder".
The fad of low-budget science fiction films inspired by the Aussie hit "The Road Warrior" reaches its nadir with New World's "Roller Blade", an amateurish junker released directly to the home video market.
Set in the "City of Lost Angels" during an unspecified post-W. W. III period of barbarism, pic has a female religious order controlled by Mother Speed (Katina Garner) battling with Dr. Saticoy (Robby Talor dressed like a "Road Warrior" bad guy) and his evil henchmen. The novelty of everyone performing on roller skates (except Mother Speed, who's in a wheelchair and young punkers called spikers who use skateboards) soon wear off nd the film becomes interminable.
Saticoy sends a foxy blonde girl (Shaun Michelle) to infiltrate Mother Speed's order and steal her power crystal, which has the ability to heal and even bring the dead back to life (it only works one time per customer, however, on stiffs). She ultimaely rebels and joins the good guys, who, led by Sister Sharon (Suzanne Solari) and a local cop (Marshall Goodman) destroy Saticoy.
Filmmaker Donald G. Jackson apparently shot this mess silent and poorly dubbed new voices for the characters, which only make it seem inferior to the numerous post-synched Italian films in the genre. Special effects (some of which appear to be executed by video techniques) are poor and there is no evidence of a futuristic society in the west coast locations and familiar looking freaks. Inane dialog fails to be funny and Saticoy's hand puppet/doll "baby" sidekick *(at one point it does a Froggy the Gremlin impression from Andy Devine's 1950s tv show) is too silly for a pro feature.
Obviously aware of the video marketplace, Jackson features a great deal of female nudity, including several porn actresses in minor roles.
End credits promote a sequel, subtitled "Holy Thunder".
yea verily bad indeed
vampiremovies30 January 2004
I'm a big fan of B-Movies, but even the sight of Michelle Bauer naked and the novelty of rollerblading nuns 'skating the path of righteousness' is not enough to save this film.
I have now seen the first three of the five "Rollerblade" films - why oh why I ask myself!!! This is not the worst (I kid you not) Rollerblade 7 (no. 3 in the saga) is a close contender for worst movie EVER made. But it is still terrible. Set in some kind of post apocalypse mad max world these mystic rollerblading nuns who worship the acidman face are the force of order - Honor bound to defeat all chaotic minions in this case the evil Dr. Satacoy, a leather faced rocket scientist with a pervy puppet for a hand.
What gets me most is the mock Shakesperian language, often with a put on French (I think) accent. Mother Speed, the wheelchair bound leader of the rollerblade order likes saying "yea verily" and thus, thee and tresspass are stuck in quite a bit. Terrible dialogue, Bad acting, poor cinamatography, laughable special effects, non-sensical plot.... Who came up with this garbage?!
I have now seen the first three of the five "Rollerblade" films - why oh why I ask myself!!! This is not the worst (I kid you not) Rollerblade 7 (no. 3 in the saga) is a close contender for worst movie EVER made. But it is still terrible. Set in some kind of post apocalypse mad max world these mystic rollerblading nuns who worship the acidman face are the force of order - Honor bound to defeat all chaotic minions in this case the evil Dr. Satacoy, a leather faced rocket scientist with a pervy puppet for a hand.
What gets me most is the mock Shakesperian language, often with a put on French (I think) accent. Mother Speed, the wheelchair bound leader of the rollerblade order likes saying "yea verily" and thus, thee and tresspass are stuck in quite a bit. Terrible dialogue, Bad acting, poor cinamatography, laughable special effects, non-sensical plot.... Who came up with this garbage?!
Is this a joke?
Hellraiser-18 April 2002
Watching tv late at night at a friend´s we found this thing on a channel via satellite and from the very beginning we were astonished.How is it possible to make something so horrid?we are quite tolerant and we have seen many bad movies but after twenty minutes we abandoned this, I have no words, acting was horrible, Special effects(above all, the monster in the bath)were laughable, dialogues were still more laughable and the plot didn´t exist. It is a pure Z movie, something like a Troma Film, only that it isn´t funny at all, if someone gets to stand it until the end, he/she is a real hero but i´m afraid for his/her mental health.
Roller Blade is a disaster in just about every way...but I loved it
kevin_robbins30 April 2024
I recently watched the low budget picture Roller Blade (1986) on Tubi. The storyline takes place in a futuristic, apocalyptic society where an evil dictator has taken over the land and needs a crystal to become invincible. The crystal is protected by roller blading nuns who are quick to aid a rebellion who wishes to overthrow the dictator.
This picture is directed by Donald G. Jackson (Hell comes to Frogtown) and stars Pat McClung, Suzanne Solari (Mulholland Falls), Jeff Hutchinson (Hell Comes to Frogtown), Katina Garner (Hollywood Horror House) and Michelle Bauer (Virgin High).
This picture was made on a $70,000 budget but does the best it can with what it had to work with. This is one of those movies that's genuinely so bad it's good. This movie has a ton of nudity and an absolutely gorgeous cast. The nude fights on rollerblades was awesome. Theres a legendary hot tub scene and the puppet was wild. The acting isn't good, and the dialogue is awful, but I could watch this movie 100 times.
In conclusion, Roller Blade is a disaster in just about every way...but I loved it. I would score this a 5/10 but still highly recommend it.
This picture is directed by Donald G. Jackson (Hell comes to Frogtown) and stars Pat McClung, Suzanne Solari (Mulholland Falls), Jeff Hutchinson (Hell Comes to Frogtown), Katina Garner (Hollywood Horror House) and Michelle Bauer (Virgin High).
This picture was made on a $70,000 budget but does the best it can with what it had to work with. This is one of those movies that's genuinely so bad it's good. This movie has a ton of nudity and an absolutely gorgeous cast. The nude fights on rollerblades was awesome. Theres a legendary hot tub scene and the puppet was wild. The acting isn't good, and the dialogue is awful, but I could watch this movie 100 times.
In conclusion, Roller Blade is a disaster in just about every way...but I loved it. I would score this a 5/10 but still highly recommend it.
Nude Nuns on Roller Skates Worship Happy Face
jmike30 June 2000
No question about it, this film is awful. Perhaps the most amazing thing is that it appears to have 4 sequels! The only one I have seen is Roller Blade Warriors: Taken By Force, and its just as bad.
Although a bit boring, I will give the film points for a creative plot. In some kind of post nuclear wasteland type (Mad Max rip off) world, there exists a group of roller skating nuns. They worship a 1970's era happy face icon. Their leader is named Mother Speed. She sits in a wheelchair with her skates on. She endlessly babbles horrible mock-Shakespearian dialogue, her favorite phrase is "Yeah Verily." Several of her nuns are played by actresses who are porn stars. They don't wear much normally and like to strip naked for certain initiation rites which take place in a hot tub (which still somehow works perfectly after everything else has been destroyed). The nuns can heal wounds with special powers which cause the happy face to appear. There is one notable scene with Mother Speed endlessly turning the handle of a pencil sharpener (with an orange happy face on top) which is attached to a Panasonic telephone answering machine. It makes a kind of whining noise while others look on in wonder.
The nuns battle their enemy Dr. Saticoy (which is named after a street in L.A.). A bunch of stupid stuff happens and Saticoy is eventually launched into the air on some kind of rocket powered device. Its real hard to figure out exactly what this is all about as the plot gets hopelessly lost as the film goes on.
Bad as this film is, it might actually be a little better than the director's previous film The Demon Lover from 1976. I'm amazed this director actually has 19 film credits!
Although a bit boring, I will give the film points for a creative plot. In some kind of post nuclear wasteland type (Mad Max rip off) world, there exists a group of roller skating nuns. They worship a 1970's era happy face icon. Their leader is named Mother Speed. She sits in a wheelchair with her skates on. She endlessly babbles horrible mock-Shakespearian dialogue, her favorite phrase is "Yeah Verily." Several of her nuns are played by actresses who are porn stars. They don't wear much normally and like to strip naked for certain initiation rites which take place in a hot tub (which still somehow works perfectly after everything else has been destroyed). The nuns can heal wounds with special powers which cause the happy face to appear. There is one notable scene with Mother Speed endlessly turning the handle of a pencil sharpener (with an orange happy face on top) which is attached to a Panasonic telephone answering machine. It makes a kind of whining noise while others look on in wonder.
The nuns battle their enemy Dr. Saticoy (which is named after a street in L.A.). A bunch of stupid stuff happens and Saticoy is eventually launched into the air on some kind of rocket powered device. Its real hard to figure out exactly what this is all about as the plot gets hopelessly lost as the film goes on.
Bad as this film is, it might actually be a little better than the director's previous film The Demon Lover from 1976. I'm amazed this director actually has 19 film credits!
amazing.
firecaughtfire31 March 2005
this movie is a triumph of modern cinema.
it should be shelved between fellini's "satyricon" and truffaut's "400 blows".
with such enduring characters as "Mother Speed" and "Helpless Victim," you can't help but fall in love with their plights, empathize with their struggle, and finally, come to a stunning conclusion with tears of great justice shining in your eyes.
and not only does it come with brilliant, multilayered characterization & pathos, but also contains astonishing and subtle hints of sociopolitical criticism: for example, the upside-down, spinning shopping cart? i can think of no better symbol to better criticize the gross materialism that humanity seems to have embraced!
everyone should see this movie -- no, film.
may you forever skate the paths of righteousness.
it should be shelved between fellini's "satyricon" and truffaut's "400 blows".
with such enduring characters as "Mother Speed" and "Helpless Victim," you can't help but fall in love with their plights, empathize with their struggle, and finally, come to a stunning conclusion with tears of great justice shining in your eyes.
and not only does it come with brilliant, multilayered characterization & pathos, but also contains astonishing and subtle hints of sociopolitical criticism: for example, the upside-down, spinning shopping cart? i can think of no better symbol to better criticize the gross materialism that humanity seems to have embraced!
everyone should see this movie -- no, film.
may you forever skate the paths of righteousness.
A campy gem
Macholic28 July 2001
This is the kind of movie that you either love or love to hate. This is a deliberately campy and schlocky zero budget outing and director Jackson has even cast camp movie auteur Fred Olen Ray's young son in this one. It is post-apocalyptic movie where the rulers send out the shakespearian talking skate patrol to police. Nude babes, cheesy effects, deadpan dialog and pure sillyness makes this an irresistable turkey. Roundup your friends and have a big laugh! 10/10
Excellent and terrible, simultaneously.
d-overcash15 May 2006
Some friends and I have watched many terrible films, but this is the absolute pinnacle of C-movie grandeur. It contains awful acting, a porn-quality soundtrack, poorly overdubbed speech (in some of which the actors forgot their exact words, so you can tell they're not speaking the same line), completely pointless nudity, and repetitive location work. All the characters speak a senseless mix of Olde and contemporary English, frequently misusing thous and thys. The special effects seem as if they were done on an old Apple II. And at the core of this shining gem is a story so fragmented, so spur-of-the-moment, that it hurts the head to see. There are plenty of phenomenal lines in this film, worthy of quotation when you want to get a laugh. All in all, I consider Roller Blade to be one of the best worst films I've ever seen.
this movie ranks #1 on my list of the worst movies "i've" ever seen.
TheDeadWalk8321 December 2003
no, seriously, me and my friends have a list of the worst movies weve ever seen. #2 is a film called Cannibal Hookers(it sounds good but trust me its not). anyway Roller Blade ranks as #1 and i havent seen any of the sequels, but it disturbs me to learn that they exist.
Hear me out...
meow_mix11 October 2023
This movie is a fever dream packed with 80s-tastic, dystopian/post-apocalyptic cheesy sleaze. Partial nudity in the first 60 seconds and all-gas-no-brakes from there. If David Lynch, Jim Henson, Bob Guccioni, Tommy Wiseau, and Willard Huyck had a baby, that baby might have written and directed this movie...after smoking, snorting, and injecting every drug on the planet, that is. Actually, it was directed by Donald G. Jackson, who schlock fans may know as the director of "Roller Gator," which has a personal distinction for me as being the lowest-rated movie (on IMDb) that I have ever watched (as of this writing: 1.2/10!!). Fear not, though, friends-this movie beats the ever-loving *skates* off of Roller Gator in all of the best-worst ways possible.
Let's get the obvious out of the way-there is ***nothing*** "good" about this movie. No shining moment stands out as well done, or even decent. What makes it good is its seemingly headlong, pell-mell, Ratfink-with-his-tongue-out, making Usain Bolt look slow, pedal-to-the-metal race to the bottom. And by "bottom," I mean so far to the bottom it probably goes through the center of the earth and out into deep space.
From the balls to the wall, time capsule-esque 80s-ness, to the horribly cartoonish dubbing, to the ridiculous and also-cartoonish costumes, to the premise, to the "plot" (LOL!!!), to the dialogue, to the "acting," to...well everything about it, it's so campy it's actually painful to watch-in a good way.
If you, like me, truly are a lover of seriously abysmally BAD "films," (not just so bad it's good but just BAD) this one will make your entire day. I hereby pronounce it the greatest worst movie of all time, which is saying something as I've seen a lot of stinkers in my day.
One last thing I'll say is that I'm so glad I didn't eat an edible before watching this. It might have permanently broken my brain 😂 I implore you to urgently give this low-hanging-fruit-salad of-I struggle to say-"cinema" a chance and see if you don't laugh as hard as I did.
Let's get the obvious out of the way-there is ***nothing*** "good" about this movie. No shining moment stands out as well done, or even decent. What makes it good is its seemingly headlong, pell-mell, Ratfink-with-his-tongue-out, making Usain Bolt look slow, pedal-to-the-metal race to the bottom. And by "bottom," I mean so far to the bottom it probably goes through the center of the earth and out into deep space.
From the balls to the wall, time capsule-esque 80s-ness, to the horribly cartoonish dubbing, to the ridiculous and also-cartoonish costumes, to the premise, to the "plot" (LOL!!!), to the dialogue, to the "acting," to...well everything about it, it's so campy it's actually painful to watch-in a good way.
If you, like me, truly are a lover of seriously abysmally BAD "films," (not just so bad it's good but just BAD) this one will make your entire day. I hereby pronounce it the greatest worst movie of all time, which is saying something as I've seen a lot of stinkers in my day.
One last thing I'll say is that I'm so glad I didn't eat an edible before watching this. It might have permanently broken my brain 😂 I implore you to urgently give this low-hanging-fruit-salad of-I struggle to say-"cinema" a chance and see if you don't laugh as hard as I did.
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