Spaceballs (1987)

John Candy: Barf

Photos 

3 more photos

Quotes 

• Barf : I know we need the money, but...

  Lone Starr : Listen! We're not just doing this for money!

  Barf : [Barf looks at him, raises his ears] 

  Lone Starr : We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

• Barf : I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

• Lone Starr : Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!

  Princess Vespa : Yogurt the Wise!

  Dot Matrix : Yogurt the All-Powerful!

  Barf : Yogurt the Magnificent!

  Yogurt : Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.

• [as they are trekking through the desert] 

  Lone Starr : Water. Water.

  Barf : [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out] 

  Dot Matrix : Oil. Oil.

  Princess Vespa : Room service. Room service.

• Barf : [Spaceball 1 roars by them, in a plaid colouration of speed]  Aah!

  Barf : What the hell was that?

  Lone Starr : Spaceball 1.

  Barf : They've gone to plaid!

• Princess Vespa : Now listen you...

  Lone Starr : You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.

  Princess Vespa : And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.

  Lone Starr : You are royal pain in the...

  Barf : Whoa, hold it, time.

• Lone Starr : We gotta get moving before dawn.

  Barf : Why so early?

  Lone Starr : Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

  [screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible] 

  Barf : Nice dissolve.

• Princess Vespa : I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

  Lone Starr : Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.

  Barf : Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

• Princess Vespa : [the quartet enters Yogurt's lair] 

  Princess Vespa : What is this place?

  Barf : It looks like the Temple of Doom.

  Dot Matrix : Well it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.

• Princess Vespa : Who are you?

  Barf : Barf!

  Dot Matrix : Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!

• Lone Starr : A million? That's unfair.

  Pizza the Hutt : Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!

  Barf : Or else what?

  Pizza the Hutt : Tell him, Vinnie.

  Vinnie : Or else Pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

• Barf : Chief... I can't... I can't go any further. I can't go any further.

  Lone Starr : Just one more dune to go.

  Barf : That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.

  [collapses, dropping Dot] 

  Lone Starr : Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...

  [stops] 

  Lone Starr : Who am I kidding?

  [Drops Vespa, collapses] 

• Pizza the Hutt : Well, if it isn't Lone Starr. And his sidekick, Puke.

  Barf : That's Barf.

  Pizza the Hutt : Barf... Puke... *Whatever!*

• Barf : (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!

  Princess Vespa : How was that?

  Lone Starr : Not bad.

  Barf : Not bad... for a girl.

  Dot Matrix : Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!

• Minister : What's your name?

  Barf : Barf.

  Minister : Your full name?

  [Barf sucks in chest to look stronger] 

  Barf : Barfolomew!

• Yogurt : I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe... as the...

  Barf : ...the Force?

  Yogurt : No, the Schwartz!

• Lone Starr : [sees Barf carrying a lot of luggage]  Checking in? What the hell is all that?

  Barf : [unintelligable from the bag in his mouth]  Ith her oyal igness' atched uggage!

  Lone Starr : What?

  Barf : [pulls the bag out of his mouth]  Her royal highness' matched luggage!

  Lone Starr : Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?

• Dot Matrix : Hey, stop looking up my can.

  Barf : Sorry.

• Lone Starr : Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.

  Dot Matrix : Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.

  Barf : Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.

  Lone Starr : I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.

  Princess Vespa : Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...

  Lone Starr : Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...

  Princess Vespa : Beer-swilling pigs!

  Lone Starr : Horse-faced space dogs!

• Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone]  Nobody knows...

  Lone Starr : It's coming from there.

  Barf : That can't be her.

  [Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from] 

  Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone]  ... the trouble I've seen...

  [Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing] 

  Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone]  Nobody knows but Jesus.

  Lone Starr : It's her.

  Princess Vespa : [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone]  Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

  Barf : She's a bass.

• Barf : Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and mogs first!

• Barf : The minute we move in they're gonna spot us on their radar.

  Lone Starr : Nuh-uh.

  Barf : Uh-huh.

  Lone Starr : Nuh-uh.

  Barf : Uh-uh.

  Lone Starr : Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.

  Barf : Aha! You're right.

  Lone Starr : Down scope.

  Barf : Down scope.

  [puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish] 

  Barf : Radar about to be "jammed."

  [then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish] 

• Barf , Lone Starr : [after the chest-bursting alien dances across the counter at the diner]  Check please!

• [after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on] 

  Barf : Oh! That's gonna leave a mark.

• Barf : It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us!

• [watching Spaceball One change into MegaMaid] 

  Barf : Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a Transformer.

• Barf : [watching the "Alien" chestburster re-enactment]  Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?

  Waitress : Oh, he had the special.

  Barf : The sp... that's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!

  Lone Starr : Good move.

• Waitress : [getting swatted by Barf's tail]  Hey, hey. Watch where you're sticking that thing.

  Barf : Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.

• Princess Vespa : [fleeing Spaceball City to the Eagle 5]  Open the door!

  Barf : I can't, it's fused!

  Princess Vespa : Well, what about this one?

  Barf : It's locked.

  Princess Vespa : Well, where are the keys?

  Barf : Inside!

  Princess Vespa : Oh, great!

• King Roland : [requesting Lone Starr's help to rescue Vespa]  You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything! Did you hear me? Anything.

  Barf : Anything?

  King Roland : Yes, anything!

  Lone Starr : Okay. We'll do it for... a million.

  King Roland : A million?

  Barf : [preparing to toggle the video feed]  Oh, you're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, Your Highness.

  King Roland : All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.

  Lone Starr : All right, King. You just made a deal.

  Barf : One princess for one million space bucks.

  Lone Starr : What's she driving?

  King Roland : A brand-new white Mercedes, 2001 S.E.L. Limited Edition. Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.

  Lone Starr : We get the idea. Where was she last seen?

  King Roland : She was just passing Jupiter 2.

  Lone Starr : We'll find her.

  King Roland : Please bring her back safely. And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.

• Lone Starr : Dim the lights.

  Barf : [dims the lights]  Dimming the lights.

  Lone Starr : Go to infrared.

  Barf : [turns on infrared lights]  Going to infrared.

  Lone Starr : And pray to God.

  Barf : Praying to God.

• Barf : [after Spaceball 1 zooms past the Winnebago at 'ludicrous speed']  They must've overshot us by about a week!

• Barf : I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat?

  Lone Starr : Nah. Oh, wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. Here, chow down.

  Barf : Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.

  Lone Starr : No!

• Lone Starr : Let's set a course for Druidia.

  Barf : Settin' a course for Druid-i-i-i...

  Lone Starr : [the ship begins shuddering]  What's that?

  Barf : I don't know. I don't know. We're losin' power. Why? 'Cause we're out of gas!

  Lone Starr : Must have burned it up in hyperactive.

  Barf : I told you we should have put more than five bucks' worth in!

  Lone Starr : Okay. We'll have to set her down. Prepare for an emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading!

  Barf : [praying]  Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...

  Lone Starr : [hitting him]  Will you stop that?

• Waitress : Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream. What'll you have?

  Lone Starr : We just got a couple minute while we're gassing up. What's ready?

  Waitress : I can give you the space soup or the space special.

  Lone Starr : Um, I'll have the soup.

  Waitress : Okay.

  Barf : I'll have the cleavage. Uh, special.

• Lone Starr : [entering a tunnel in Megamaid's ear]  There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.

  [the ship's infrared scanner stops] 

  Lone Starr : I think we just found it.

  Princess Vespa : Where?

  Lone Starr : Watch.

  [adjusting the camera angle] 

  Lone Starr : Bingo! There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.

  Barf : Putting her in hover.

  Lone Starr : I'm going down there.

  Barf : He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.

• Yogurt : Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.

  Lone Starr : Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means... .

  Yogurt : Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you wanna get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.

  Barf : Bye, Yogurt!

  Lone Starr : And, Yogurt... thanks.

• Barf : [Steps out of motorhome and flips off guards while making kissing sounds] 

• Barf : Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you, you're always right.