Spaceballs (1987)
Daphne Zuniga: Princess Vespa
Photos
Quotes
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Dot Matrix : How far did he get? What did he touch? What did he touch?
Princess Vespa : Nothing happened.
Lone Starr : What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix : *That* was my Virgin Alarm. lt's programmed to go off before you do.
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Lone Starr : Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!
Princess Vespa : Yogurt the Wise!
Dot Matrix : Yogurt the All-Powerful!
Barf : Yogurt the Magnificent!
Yogurt : Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.
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Minister : Do you?
Lone Starr : Yes
Minister : Do you?
Princess Vespa : Yes
Minister : GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!
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[as they are trekking through the desert]
Lone Starr : Water. Water.
Barf : [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out]
Dot Matrix : Oil. Oil.
Princess Vespa : Room service. Room service.
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[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa : I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns.
[her hair gets singed by a laser]
Princess Vespa : My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
[begins blasting]
-
Princess Vespa : Now listen you...
Lone Starr : You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.
Princess Vespa : And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.
Lone Starr : You are royal pain in the...
Barf : Whoa, hold it, time.
-
Minister : Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!
Princess Vespa : I'm sorry!
King Roland : I'm sorry
Prince Valium : I'm sorry too.
Minister : Don't be sorry, be quiet!
Princess Vespa , King Roland , Prince Valium : I'm sorry!
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Princess Vespa : I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr : Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf : Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
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Princess Vespa : [the quartet enters Yogurt's lair]
Princess Vespa : What is this place?
Barf : It looks like the Temple of Doom.
Dot Matrix : Well it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.
-
Princess Vespa : Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!
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Barf : (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!
Princess Vespa : How was that?
Lone Starr : Not bad.
Barf : Not bad... for a girl.
Dot Matrix : Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!
-
Lone Starr : Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
Dot Matrix : Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.
Barf : Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.
Lone Starr : I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.
Princess Vespa : Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...
Lone Starr : Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...
Princess Vespa : Beer-swilling pigs!
Lone Starr : Horse-faced space dogs!
-
Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows...
Lone Starr : It's coming from there.
Barf : That can't be her.
[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]
Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone] ... the trouble I've seen...
[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]
Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows but Jesus.
Lone Starr : It's her.
Princess Vespa : [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Barf : She's a bass.
-
Dot Matrix : I was saying; Do you realize what you've done?
Princess Vespa : Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.
Dot Matrix : I wonder if she's glad.
-
Princess Vespa : I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
Lone Starr : You're probably right.
Princess Vespa : I know now that I must learn to live without love.
Lone Starr : I guess so.
Princess Vespa : Besides, love isn't that important.
Lone Starr : Nah... It never was!
Princess Vespa : I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...
[turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses]
Princess Vespa : love.
Lone Starr : Sure you could.
Princess Vespa : Without physical contact.
Lone Starr : Yeah.
Princess Vespa : Without being held.
Lone Starr : Yeah.
Princess Vespa : Or kissed...
[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off]
-
Princess Vespa : [looking up at the night sky] Which one's yours?
Lone Starr : Who knows?
Princess Vespa : You don't know where you're from?
Lone Starr : Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
Princess Vespa : A monastery? Where?
Lone Starr : Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
-
Dot Matrix : [Mega Maid is sucking the air away from Druidia] What'll we do?
Lone Starr : We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.
Princess Vespa : But isn't that dangerous?
Lone Starr : Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!
-
King Roland : Are you all right, my dear? You look a little... flighty.
Princess Vespa : Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran.
King Roland : He didn't take the million.
Princess Vespa : He didn't?
King Roland : No. He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
-
Princess Vespa : What's going on?
Dot Matrix : It's either the 4th of July, or someone's trying to kill us!
-
Lone Starr : Now, hear this: the minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
Dot Matrix : What was that?
Princess Vespa : Now, you hear this, whoever you are. You will not *touch* that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth!
Lone Starr : Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.
Princess Vespa : [insulted] Sweetheart?
Dot Matrix : Uh-oh.
-
Minister : I'm gonna take no more chances but to make a short version. Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
Prince Valium : [yawning] Uh-huh.
Minister : Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Princess Vespa : Uh, well, I... I suppose. Well... oh, I don't know.
Lone Starr : [entering with Barf] No! She doesn't!
Minister : What? Who the hell are you?
Lone Starr : Prince Lone Starr.
Princess Vespa : Prince?
Lone Starr : [showing her his medallion] I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest-to-God prince. Will you marry me?
Princess Vespa : Well, let me think about it.
[pushing Prince Valium away]
Princess Vespa : Yes!
Minister : I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today!
-
Lone Starr : [carrying Vespa's suitcase] What the hell's in this thing?
[opening it and taking out an exaggeratedly large hair dryer]
Lone Starr : What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
Princess Vespa : It's my industrial-strength hair dryer. AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!
Lone Starr : Okay, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life! You want this hot air machine, you carry it.
Princess Vespa : [he drops it on the ground] You pick that up.
Lone Starr : *You* pick that up.
Princess Vespa : How dare you, you insolent peasant? Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!
-
Minister : Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together... again.
Princess Vespa : Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?
King Roland : I didn't think it was important.
Minister : May I continue, please?
King Roland : Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
Minister : Thank you. To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium...
[realizing his mistake]
Minister : I'm sorry. It's the hair.
-
Princess Vespa : [fleeing Spaceball City to the Eagle 5] Open the door!
Barf : I can't, it's fused!
Princess Vespa : Well, what about this one?
Barf : It's locked.
Princess Vespa : Well, where are the keys?
Barf : Inside!
Princess Vespa : Oh, great!
-
King Roland : Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
Dark Helmet : Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip Schlotkin. The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.
Dr. Schlotkin : [bowing] Your Highness.
King Roland : Nose job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose job. It was her was her sweet-16 present.
Dark Helmet : No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkin will give your daughter back...
[holding up a blown-up picture]
Dark Helmet : ...her old nose!
Princess Vespa : NOOOO! Where did you get that?
King Roland : All right, I'll tell! I'll tell!
Princess Vespa : No, Daddy, no, you mustn't!
King Roland : You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell him the combination, no matter what.
Dark Helmet : Very well. Dr. Schlotkin, do your worst.
Dr. Schlotkin : [scraping his blades together] My pleasure.
-
Lone Starr : [entering a tunnel in Megamaid's ear] There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.
[the ship's infrared scanner stops]
Lone Starr : I think we just found it.
Princess Vespa : Where?
Lone Starr : Watch.
[adjusting the camera angle]
Lone Starr : Bingo! There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.
Barf : Putting her in hover.
Lone Starr : I'm going down there.
Barf : He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.
-
Princess Vespa : Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just took his million spacebucks and ran.
King Roland : He didn't take the million...
