The Road to El Dorado (2000)

Kevin Kline: Tulio

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chel : Oh, then I suppose you'll be wanting these back?

  [produces dice in her hand] 

  Tulio : [pats pockets, shocked]  Hey... how'd you get those?

  Miguel : [raising eyebrows]  WHERE was she KEEPING them?

• Miguel : You fight like my sister!

  Tulio : I've fought your sister. That's a compliment.

• [Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the boat, together with Altivo] 

  Miguel : Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?

  Tulio : The horse is a surprise...

  Miguel : Any... regrets?

  Tulio : You mean besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.

  Miguel : My regret, besides dying is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.

  Tulio : Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure.

  Miguel : And if it's any consolation, Tulio, you made my life... rich.

• Miguel : Look! El Dorado! The city of gold! This could be our destiny! Our fate!

  Tulio : Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice.

• Miguel : Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. It's a long piece of metal with a hooky thing at the end.

  Tulio : Miguel, you're talking to a horse!

  Miguel : Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!

  Tulio : Yes, "find the pry bar". He doesn't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he could understand...

  [Altivo drops keys into the brig] 

  Tulio : Well... it's *not* a pry bar.

• Tulio : Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!

• Tuilo : All right. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana!

  Miguel : [pauses]  Back to Spain, yeah?

  Tuilo : Yeah.

  Miguel : [uncertainly]  In... a rowboat.

  Tuilo : Yeah!

  Miguel : [sarcastically]  Great. Sensational. That's your plan, is it?

  Tuilo : That's... pretty much it, yeah.

  Miguel : [delighted]  Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?

  Tuilo : [pauses, deep breath]  In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... longboats...

• Tulio : The little voice, remember? Just imagine for a moment that you have one. Now, what would it be saying about Chel?

  Miguel : Um...

  [purrs] 

• Miguel : I am Miguel.

  Tulio : And I am Tulio.

  [They dismount, Miguel's foot gets tangled in the reins] 

  Miguel : And they call us Miguel and Tulio!

• Tzekel-Kan : I know what you are, and I know what you are not. And you are *not* Gods!

  Tulio : You're not a God? You lied to me? How dare you!

  Miguel : [to Tzekel-Kan]  Hey, it was *his* stupid plan!

  Tulio : *My* plan was that we should *lie low*! But *your* plan was to run off! And be all, "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a God!"

  Miguel : That's not true!

  Tulio : No? Who are you kidding? You're buying your own con!

  Miguel : At least I'm not *dating* mine!

  Tulio : I...! Oo, low blow. Listen, mister high-and-mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had *just listened* to me!

  Miguel : Well, now you have all the precious gold *and* Chel! So what do you need *me* for?

  [pushes Tulio] 

  Tulio : [pushing back]  Well, maybe I *don't* need you anymore!

  Miguel : Fine! So why don't you just *go* back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll *both* get what *we* want!

  Tulio : That's fine with me, pal!

  Miguel : *Fine* with me too!

  Tulio : Fine!

  Tulio , Miguel : All RIGHT!

  [they both punch Tzekel-kan] 

• Tulio : Miguel and Tulio!

  Miguel : Tulio and Miguel!

  [Together] 

  Miguel : Mighty and powerful Gods!

  Chel : Hello.

  [both squeal] 

• Chel : [Frantic]  Oh! Oh, no, no, no. The High Priest! What is he gonna think when he sees one of the Gods like this with me?

  Tulio : [Dazed]  Uhh... Lucky god?

• Tulio : [sighs]  Well, it was nice working with you, partner.

  Miguel : Tulio, I just want you to know... I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.

• Tulio : Any last words?

  Miguel : I will cut you to ribbons!

  Tulio : Fool! Such mediocrity! Let your *sword* do the talking!

  Miguel : I will, it will be loquacious to a fault!

• Miguel : Tulio! Tulio, we've done it!

  Tulio : Is that the map?

  Miguel : It's all right here!

  Tulio : You *still* have the *map*?

  Miguel : The whistling rock! The stream!

  Tulio : You kept the map but you couldn't manage to grab a little more FOOD?

  Miguel : Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible, and it is! It really *is* the map to El Dorado!

  [pause] 

  Tulio : You drank sea water, didn't you?

• Chel : Hello...

  Tulio : Get back mortal!

  Miguel : Beware the wrath of the Gods! Be Gone! Kkh kkh!

  Tulio : Back mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!

  Chel : [calmly]  Save it for the High Priest, honey, you're gonna need it.

• Miguel : You don't think... Cortes could have got here before us and...

  Tulio : And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The scoundrel!

• [Tzekel-Kan is about to perform a human sacrifice] 

  Tulio : [in an undertone to Miguel]  I don't like this.

  Miguel : Tulio, we've got to do something!

  [Tzekel-Kan raises his axe] 

  Tulio : Stop! This is not a proper tribute!

  [Miguel catches the intended victim and drags him away from the cliff edge] 

  Tzekel-Kan : [confused]  You do not want the tribute?

  Miguel : No no, we want tribute, it's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.

  Tulio : The stars are not in position for this tribute!

  Miguel : Like he said! Stars!... Can't do it... Not today.

• Tulio : I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death.

  [Grabs tiny dagger, looks at it] 

  Tulio : But not with that.

• Tulio : What's happening here?

  Miguel : We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.

• Tulio : [In a rowboat, about to be run over]  Holy Ship!

• Miguel : We'll follow that trail!

  Tulio : What trail?

  Miguel : [chopping at vines with sword]  The trail that we blaze!

  [the vines fall down revealing a solid wall of rock; long pause] 

  Miguel : [pointing]  THAT trail that we blaze...

• Tulio : Do you mind?

  Chel : No.

• [Tulio is banging his head against the wall in the brig] 

  Miguel : So how's the, uh... how's the escape plan coming?

  [Tulio stops banging his head] 

  Tulio : Wait! I'm getting something!

  [pauses, then goes back to banging his head on the wall] 

• [after seeing a skeleton on the beach] 

  Tulio : All in favor of getting back in the boat, say aye.

  Miguel : Aye!

• Tulio : Miguel wake up. We found it!

  Miguel : We did? Where?

  Tulio : Here.

  Miguel : What, behind the rock?

  Tulio : Nope, here.

  Miguel : But, but... *give* me that!

  [snatches the map from Tulio's hands] 

  Miguel : I... this... can't be...

  Tulio : Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... GREAT... BIG... ROCK!

  [echo: Rock... rock... rock...] 

  Tulio : But I'll tell you what: I'm feeling generous today, so *you* can have *my* share!

  Miguel : You don't think that... that Cortes could've gotten here before us and... and...

  Tulio : And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The SCOUNDREL!

  Miguel : Tulio! We... we've got to think about this, I... I mean we come all this way and...

  Tulio : [comically annoyed]  Get... on... the horse!

  [Miguel sighs and makes a pitiful face] 

  Tulio : No, no, no, not with the face. Stop.

• Tulio : I'm not sure I can trust you.

  Chel : I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I?

• Tulio : Come on, baby! Papa needs that crappy map!

• Tulio : Wait a minute, new plan: we find the city of gold, we *take* the gold, and THEN we row back to Spain!

  Miguel : And buy Spain!

• Tulio : Your horse bit me in the butt!

• Tulio : We are working a con, walking the razor's edge. On one side, gold. On the other side...

  [gestures at mural of human sacrifice] 

  Tulio : ... painful, agonizing failure!

• Tulio : Look, change of plans. We have to grab what we can and go.

  Miguel : What? Why?

  Tulio : Because the High Priest is NUTS!

• Miguel : Tulio, you worry too much.

  Tulio : No, I worry exactly the right amount. You can never worry too much!

• Tulio : Miguel, he's a ruthless war-horse, not a poodle!

• Tzekel-Kan : [Chel and Tulio are giggling]  My Lord? Hello?

  Tulio : Whoa!

  Chel : Oh no no the high priest what is he going to think when he sees a god with me?

  Tulio : Uh, Lucky god?

  Chel : Go go go

  [she grabs him and starts smacking his face and then she pushes him up] 

• Tulio : Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... GREAT... BIG... ROCK!

  [echo] 

• [Tulio, Miguel and Altivo have finally, after much effort, all gotten into the rowboat and avoided getting run over by any of the ships] 

  Tulio : Did any of the supplies make it?

  Miguel : Um, well, yes and no.

  [Tulio looks: Altivo is eating the few supplies that did make it] 

  Tulio : Oh, great!

  Miguel : Hey, Tulio, look on the positive side: at least things can't get...

  [a thunder clap. It starts pouring rain] 

  Tulio : Excuse me, were you about to say "worse"?

  Miguel : No.

  Tulio : No? You're sure?

  Miguel : Definitely not, I'm going to revise that whole thing.

  Tulio : Yeah. We are at least in a rowboat.

  Miguel : We are in a rowboat.

  [the boat drifts away to reveal the sharks following it] 

• Chel : Go ahead, I'll cover for you.

  Miguel : Oh, good! Thanks.

  [Tries to step outside without Tulio noticing] 

  Miguel : So, what happened to Altivo?

  Chel : I don't know.

  [Miguel takes off. Tulio walks past Chel singing] 

  Tulio : ...Hey. What happened to Miguel?

  Chel : I don't know.

  Tulio : Oh my God! He's gone! Miguel's gone, he's loose! What am I gonna do!

  [throws himself on the couch] 

  Tulio : Ah, oh-ho no, no!

  [sobs] 

• [the natives are throwing the gold over the cliff] 

  Tulio : Uh, Chel... what are they doing?

  Chel : [exasperated]  They're sending it to Xibalba! The spirit world!

  Tulio : Spirit... world...

  Chel : I'll take care of it.

  [sidling up to the Chief] 

  Chel : Uh, Chief? The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the glory that has been shown them.

  Chief : STOP!

  [the natives stop; a gold plate rolls toward the cliff and Tulio stops it with his foot] 

  Chief : They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!

• Miguel : Oh, come on!

  Tulio : I'm not coming on!

• Tulio : What is the object of this game *pray tell*?

  Chel : You gotta knock the ball through the hoop.

  Miguel : What hoop?

  Chel : *That* hoop.

• Tulio : [singing]  I hardly think I'm qualified/ To come across all sanctified/ I just don't cut it with the cherubim...

  Miguel : Tulio, what are you talking about?

  [sung] 

  Miguel : There again, they're on their knees/ Being worshipped is a breeze! Which rather suits us in the interim...

  Tulio : Interim, the interim, it's me and him! Oh my god!

  Tulio , Miguel : It's tough to be a god...

  Tulio : Tread where mortals have not trod/ Be deified when really, you're a sham! Be an object of devotion/ Be the subject of psalms...

  Miguel : It's a rather touching notion/ all those prayers and those salaams!

  Tulio : And who am I to bridle/ if I'm forced to be an idol? If they say that I'm a god, that's what I am! What's more, if we don't comply/ with the locals' wishes I/ can see us being sacrificed, or stuffed!

  Miguel : [spoken]  You have a point there, very good thinking.

  [sung] 

  Miguel : So, let's be gods! The perks are great!

  Tulio : Yeah!

  Miguel : El Dorado on a plate/ Local feelings should not be rebuffed...

  Tulio : Never rebuff, ah never rebuff a local feeling - no my friend!

  Tulio , Miguel : It's tough to be a god/ but if you get the peoples' nod/ count your blessings/ keep 'em sweet! That's our advice.

  Tulio : It's great advice!

  Tulio , Miguel : Be a symbol of perfection/ Be a legend/ Be a cult! Take their praise/ take a collection/ as the multitudes exult!

  Miguel : Don a supernatural habit...

  Tulio : We'd be crazy not to grab it!

  Miguel : You got it!

  Tulio , Miguel : So sign on two new gods for paradise/ Paradise!