(1984)

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4/10
Another disposable '80s Leon Gucci outing
Davian_X15 July 2023
Generally known for his slap-dash filmmaking, XXX mainstay Leonard Kirtman's signature style of '70s 16mm storefront trash like THE MILLIONAIRESS mellowed out somewhat in the '80s, transitioning to attempted high-gloss 35mm fare. Still, despite attempting to elevate his image by aping the name of one of the best-known luxury consumer brands, the director's '80s output, under the new moniker "Leon Gucci," simply cemented his status as a pretender. Even one of the more competent (if, ironically, obscure) Gucci outings like HEAD WAITRESS reveals that the name hides an imposter.

Emblematic of the laziest porn, WAITRESS is more set-up than full-fledged narrative: growing sick of their lecherous boss at a cheap-o diner and discovering the building's lease-holder is willing to sell for $50K, a group of waitresses decides to raise the funds themselves and seize the means of production. How to go about drumming up the dough? Revise the menu to feature sexual favors, of course!

Even by the standards of the "raise money for some dumb reason" genre of porn, probably made most famous by household name DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, WAITRESS is pretty slapdash. Offering a menu of shockingly reasonable services (a blowjob is only $9.95!), the girls nevertheless also see fit to charge a cool grand for a double penetration - a sum it's hard to imagine any patron coughing up in 1984 (or now)! Another bizarre scene finds handsome mulleted stud Nick Niter inviting one of the girls back to his place for a $10K private catering session with him and his wife - sure he's a business mogul (or something), but is it really worth *that* much?

Granted, a stupid setup is nothing new for the adult genre, but the critical failing here, as with most Kirtman efforts, is the sex. Everyone just seems to be going through the motions, and the disinterest bleeds off the screen - this is one of the most ho-hum "erotic" films I've seen in a while. It's too bad, since the cast is largely attractive (composed mostly of lesser-knowns, though featuring a few reliable '80s B-listers like Niter, Crystal Breeze, Karen Summer, and gallic stud Francois Papillon) and the simple but effective premise would seem hard to screw up. Still, even while just barely managing to deliver, "Leon" does so with a minimum of aplomb, producing a tepid dish that's akin to the worst from a greasy spoon - warmed over, sloppy, and churned out without an ounce of enthusiasm.
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Lowest-brow porn crap
lor_12 August 2023
Though 1984 was a year when Porno Chic was in bloom in Adult Cinema, there was plenty of junk released to the nation's porn theaters. Leon Gucci (a/k/a Leonard Kirtman back in the drive-in movie days with oft-booked "Carnival of Blood") made his name with kiddie porn, not the illegal kind but rather jail-bait movies starring underage-looking starlets, but here he's shooting a throwback to the one-day wonders of a decade or so earlier.

Porn parodies are the worst of "story" porn, and here's one in reverse. Instead of the great little movie "Waitress" and its hit Broadway musical adaptation, is "Head Waitress" -the addition of the word head is archetypal porn spoof titling. But Kirtman would have had to use a time machine to spoof a 2007 mainstream film in 1984!

Sexually-harassed waitresses banding together to turn the tables by taking over their restaurant and turning it into a brothel is dumb, but the execution is dumber. Made unwatchable (unless the mute button is applied) by the cornpone "country" musical score, it's mechanical sex scenes one after the other of zero interest. Crystal Breeze looks fine as usual, but one feels sorry for her signing up for this thankless assignment.
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