M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Goodbye, Farewell and Amen (1983)

David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maj. Winchester : Well, I'm going to be head of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy Hospital, so my life will go on pretty much as I expected, with one exception. For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience, and now it will always be a reminder.

• Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Major. I hope you don't mind leaving in a garbage truck, but it's the last vehicle I got.

  Maj. Winchester : Not at all - what better way to leave a garbage dump.

• Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.

  Hawkeye : [operating on a/another wounded soldier]  Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.

  B.J. : And two.

  Col. Potter : Three.

  Maj. Winchester : Four.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : And there's twelve more out in the hall.

• A soldier : Timber!

  [He and some other soldiers take down a tent] 

  Maj. Winchester : How I wish I could have swung the axe.

  Hawkeye : Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.

  Maj. Winchester : Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.

• [Chinese musicians were playing off-key] 

  Maj. Winchester : No, no, no, no, hold it, hold it. Dolce! Dolce! Dolce!

  Col. Potter : The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for a week now.

• Maj. Winchester : I have a standing in the medical community, and I don't need the help of a nurse.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : It's a good thing I'm a lady, or you'd need a nurse buddy.

• Maj. Winchester : Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I've no doubt that in no time at all you will own this country. And, you can have it.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Thanks, Major - if I'm ever in Bean Town, I'll look you up.

  Maj. Winchester : Oh, gee, unfortunately, I'll be out of town then.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Uh-huh.

• Maj. Winchester : I'm sure Sgt. Rizzo will find me another mode.

  Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.

• B.J. : A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.

  Hawkeye : For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?

  [Some other people in the O.R. laugh] 

  Hawkeye : What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.

  Nurses : Oh, yeah.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?

  Col. Potter : Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?

  Maj. Winchester : I am looking forward to a hemostat.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [handing Winchester a hemostat]  Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.

  Maj. Winchester : Sponge.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [handing Winchester a sponge]  Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.

  Maj. Winchester : Don't you?

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?

  Maj. Winchester : Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.

  Maj. Winchester : Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

• Sergeant Luther Rizzo : [leading Winchester to a "crowded" jeep]  Okay, Major, pile on.

  Maj. Winchester : As what, a hood ornament?

• Maj. Winchester : Well, goodbye, Father. I must say you've made this hellhole a trifle less unbearable.

  Father Mulcahy : It certainly is.

  Maj. Winchester : What? What?

• Maj. Winchester : I don't understand why it should take so long to construct a simple potty shed.

  Col. Potter : Winchester, you'll just have to use the ravine latrine like everybody else. Rome wasn't built in a day.

  Maj. Winchester : Rome? Rome?

• [a "first" explosion occurs at the M*A*S*H unit] 

  Col. Potter : Everybody, hug a sandbag!

  Maj. Winchester : [running for cover]  Get out of my way!

  Maj. Winchester : [a "second" explosion occurs] 

  [to Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger] 

  Maj. Winchester : I thought you said you had everything under control.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : I did! Even I was fooled by that tent. I almost delivered mail there.

  Col. Potter : Well, it didn't fool them, they know that tank's here someplace. They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime, and they ain't heard it driven out at night.

  [a "third" explosion occurs] 

  Col. Potter : Okay, that's three. Get ICORPS on the phone, time to kick some ear.

• [an explosion occurs] 

  Maj. Winchester : I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.

  Father Mulcahy : Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?

  Maj. Winchester : Good question... again.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?

  Col. Potter : I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.

  Maj. Margaret Houlihan : Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.

  [Another explosion occurs] 

  Maj. Winchester : Or maybe a third.

  Hawkeye : Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!

• Maj. Winchester : Hi, good morning. I wonder if I could lighten your mailbag by one letter. The name is Winchester, Charles E.

  mail deliverer : Sorry, Major, nobody opens this sack till I get a receipt from your company clerk.

  Maj. Winchester : Well, gee, this is a letter from a hospital.

  mail deliverer : I don't care if it's from Dr. Pepper, I need a receipt.

  Maj. Winchester : Ha, Dr. Pepper.

• Maj. Winchester : Just a minute. You handle our food and dig latrines?

  Cpl. Igor Straminsky : Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.

• [Maj. Winchester was followed by Chinese musicians, one of whom was pushing a motorcycle] 

  Maj. Winchester : [to Col. Potter]  I believe these gentlemen have surrendered.

  Col. Potter : [to one of the POWs' guards]  Let's get them inside and process them, Corporal.

  [to those Chinese musicians] 

  Col. Potter : Come on, boys. Not too much solid food right away.

  Col. Potter : [to one of the POWs' guards]  They probably couldn't hold it down.

  B.J. : [pushing that motorcycle]  I'll make sure the motorcycle doesn't escape.

• Maj. Winchester : [Listening to Mozart - all of a sudden asks with disgust]  What is that atrocious odour?

  B.J. : [Painting his bike - stops and sniffs his brush]  Yellow!