The Very Best of 'Have I Got News for You' (2002 Video)

Angus Deayton: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Angus Deayton : [Missing Words round]  "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".

  Ian Hislop : Thatcher!

• Angus Deayton : [about the Chinese President's visit to the UK]  How did the Queen prepare for the arrival of the President?

  Martin Clunes : She sellotaped the old man's mouth shut.

• Angus Deayton : [reading out headline during missing words round]  "I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel".

  Paul Merton : Swallow?

• Ian Hislop : It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.

  Angus Deayton : We did everything we could, Ian, but...

• Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick]  Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.

  [clip plays: a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park] 

  Jeffrey Archer : Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!

• Piers Morgan : Is the answer jam?

  [no one laughs] 

  Angus Deayton : Not in so many words, no.

  Piers Morgan : I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.

  Ian Hislop : People like him.

• Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"]  Jam.

  [audience laughs] 

  Ian Hislop : You see, Piers?

  Piers Morgan : See, that's comedy.

  Angus Deayton : The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

  Clive Anderson : [to Piers]  Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

  Piers Morgan : What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

  Clive Anderson : About as much as you do!

• Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

  Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

  Angus Deayton : [to the camera]  It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

• Angus Deayton : So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

  [Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"] 

  Paula Yates : [to the audience]  All right! So much for sisterhood!

  Ian Hislop : So much for sisterhood?

  Paula Yates : That was a woman that just said yes!

  Ian Hislop : Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?

  [a big "Oooooh!" from the audience] 

• Paula Yates : [to Ian]  I really despise you now.

  Angus Deayton : We've despised him for ages. Strange you've only just caught up.

• Paula Yates : [Ian has been taking potshots at her for the last few minutes]  Stop it, stop it! Don't say another word or I'm coming over there.

  [the audience goes "Ooooh!" and claps and cheers] 

  Paula Yates : [flexes her hands]  And then you'll know the full force of my operation.

  Ian Hislop : Hello, Paula.

  Gordon Kennedy : Angus, if it all gets a bit nasty, can I get underneath your...?

  Angus Deayton : Yes. I'll be under there already.

• Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

  Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

  Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

  Paul Merton : I-T?

  Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

  Sheila Hancock : [groans]  Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... that is pathetic!

  Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

  Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

• Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

  Paul Merton : No.

  Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

  Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.

  Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.

  Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

  [sticks his fingers in his ears] 

  Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

  Angus Deayton : Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

  Paul Merton : [interrupting]  Da-da-da-da-da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...

  Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...returned...

  Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!

  Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old

• Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

  Swampy : Is he?

  Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

  Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

  [laughter] 

  Ian Hislop : He won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who won't?

  Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.

  Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

• [the winning entry of a German art contest is shown - a strange picture of some women and a child in a zoo standing behind some rocks with a tiger lying on the other side, it could easily jump over them. Only the child's head is visible above the rocks] 

  Paul Merton : [indignantly]  God, what sort of zoo is this? They've put the rhino behind the cage and they've stuck the kids right next to the tiger! It's eaten that child's body!

  Angus Deayton : It's only the rhino that's in the enclosure, you see. The tiger is one of us. Very deep.

  Paul Merton : Well, I think that's a policy which frankly needs reviewing.