The Very Best of 'Have I Got News for You' (2002 Video)

Ian Hislop: Self, Team Captain

Quotes 

• Angus Deayton : [Missing Words round]  "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".

  Ian Hislop : Thatcher!

• The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.

  The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell.

  Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?

  The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know?

  Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself!

  Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."

• Ian Hislop : It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.

  Angus Deayton : We did everything we could, Ian, but...

• [caption competition - a photo of a frowning Angus wearing a motorcycle helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a suit and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background] 

  Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.

  Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.

  Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr. Death?

  [this draws the biggest laugh from the audience] 

  Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off.

  Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr. Deayton

• Piers Morgan : Is the answer jam?

  [no one laughs] 

  Angus Deayton : Not in so many words, no.

  Piers Morgan : I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.

  Ian Hislop : People like him.

• Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"]  Jam.

  [audience laughs] 

  Ian Hislop : You see, Piers?

  Piers Morgan : See, that's comedy.

  Angus Deayton : The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

  Clive Anderson : [to Piers]  Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

  Piers Morgan : What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

  Clive Anderson : About as much as you do!

• Paula Yates : Ian, please stop being unkind. Don't be unkind.

  Ian Hislop : [to the audience]  Shall I stop being unkind?

  [the audience replies "No!"] 

  Paul Merton : Well, there's only one way to sort this out, if you want Ian to stop being unkind, phone 09876...

• Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

  Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

  Angus Deayton : [to the camera]  It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

• Angus Deayton : So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

  [Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"] 

  Paula Yates : [to the audience]  All right! So much for sisterhood!

  Ian Hislop : So much for sisterhood?

  Paula Yates : That was a woman that just said yes!

  Ian Hislop : Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?

  [a big "Oooooh!" from the audience] 

• Paula Yates : [Ian has been taking potshots at her for the last few minutes]  Stop it, stop it! Don't say another word or I'm coming over there.

  [the audience goes "Ooooh!" and claps and cheers] 

  Paula Yates : [flexes her hands]  And then you'll know the full force of my operation.

  Ian Hislop : Hello, Paula.

  Gordon Kennedy : Angus, if it all gets a bit nasty, can I get underneath your...?

  Angus Deayton : Yes. I'll be under there already.

• Paula Yates : [narrowing her eyes at Ian]  Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.

  [audience laughs. She tries to carry on answering the question but the audience is still laughing at Ian sneering at the malapropism she's just made] 

  Ian Hislop : Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!

• Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

  Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

  Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

  Paul Merton : I-T?

  Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

  Sheila Hancock : [groans]  Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... that is pathetic!

  Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

  Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

• Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

  Paul Merton : No.

  Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

  Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.

  Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.

  Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

  [sticks his fingers in his ears] 

  Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

  Angus Deayton : Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

  Paul Merton : [interrupting]  Da-da-da-da-da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...

  Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...returned...

  Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!

  Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old

• Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

  Swampy : Is he?

  Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

  Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

  [laughter] 

  Ian Hislop : He won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who won't?

  Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.

  Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

• Margaret Thatcher : [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys']  Two brothers fighting on opposite sides, and one sees the other. "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two?"

  Ian Hislop : Maggie would have shot the wounded one in the head!