Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004 Video Game)

James Woods: Mike Toreno

Photos 

Quotes 

• [while watching government agents loading cargo on an airplane] 

  Mike Toreno : These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.

  Carl Johnson : Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?

  Mike Toreno : Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.

• Carl Johnson : [Toreno is calling CJ on his cell phone]  Toreno?

  Mike Toreno : Carl, learn to fly.

  Carl Johnson : I'm on it, man, I swear!

  Mike Toreno : "I'm on it, man, I swear" Same old broken record, Carl. But that?s fine... because your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.

  Carl Johnson : Shit, dude, okay! Okay! I swear, man, I'm gonna be the best pilot!

  Mike Toreno : I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear is your brother's love cries as 8 kilometers of cock find its way up his ass. "Aaooowww? That's your brother, okay? No big problem.

  Carl Johnson : Wait! Please, man!

  Mike Toreno : That was my last motivational speech, understand? Am I being too spiritual for you, Carl?

  Carl Johnson : OK, man, I get the message.

• [CJ is in the recording studio at Madd Dogg's Crib. He is on the phone] 

  Carl Johnson : I don't care 'how', I care 'when'.

  [Toreno walks up behind CJ] 

  Carl Johnson : As in 'now'. You hear me?

  [Toreno takes the phone out of CJ's hand] 

  Carl Johnson : Hey, man, what the - ?

  Mike Toreno : Hello, boss man. Taking care of business I see.

  Carl Johnson : Toreno, fuck you. I almost lost my life out there for you.

  Mike Toreno : I've just got one tiny little thing for you to do, then I'm out of your life forever.

  [CJ pulls out a gun and points it at Toreno] 

  Carl Johnson : You know what? I'm tired of your fucking little jobs.

  Mike Toreno : Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic, come on. You're embarrassing yourself. Come on, put it down. Don't be ridiculous, OK?

  [Toreno pushes the gun down] 

  Mike Toreno : Hey, I got a little surprise for you here. You ready for this? Huh?

  Carl Johnson : [his phone rings] 

  Mike Toreno : Answer it

  [CJ answers the phone] 

  Carl Johnson : Hello?

  Sweet Johnson : Carl, it's me, Sweet.

  Carl Johnson : Aw, Sweet!

  Sweet Johnson : I don't know what happened, they just released me. No idea what's going on, but I'm in the square outside the precinct in Commerce.

  Carl Johnson : All right you hold tight, I'll be right there.

  [CJ puts the phone down] 

  Carl Johnson : So what was that little job you was talking about, Toreno?

  Mike Toreno : I just want you to go pick up your brother. Get out of here.

• Mike Toreno : [talking to CJ]  Do not be a fucking smart-ass with me. I work for a government agency. It is not important which one. I will try not to confuse you. Yes, when we last met, I was involved in battling threats in Latin America, by any means necessary! That does not make me a drug dealer. Now, the money that we raised, the friends that we won over, have helped us immeasurably in our overseas interests.

• Mike Toreno : [on a radio]  Roger that, Big Monkey, I got a 13-6 fat vulture. Need to acquire a drowning baby. Over.

• Mike Toreno : [Federal agents are close by]  All right, come on, I can't stay here now, I'm too hip. I gotta go, OK? I'm outta here.

• Carl Johnson : Why am I here?

  Mike Toreno : I just want to see what you're made of.

  Carl Johnson : What do you think I'm made of? Puddin'?

• [reading a book called "Conspiracy Theory"] 

  Mike Toreno : This history is all wrong! It says that Hitler killed himself, and that we nuked Japan. Well... Whatever helps them sleep at night.

• [Carl is about to sneak inside of an aircraft carrier] 

  Mike Toreno : Okay, Carl. Once you get in, I cannot help you.

  Carl Johnson : Can you help me now?

  Mike Toreno : Um... no actually... no

• Carl Johnson : [Toreno uses CJ to do his work]  Why won't these guys come after me?

  Mike Toreno : Oh, they can't because they're all posted on me. One DEA, one FBI, one Russian, a Cuban double agent and my pay masters. Checks and balances. Nobody is watching anybody watching nobody. You know what I mean? Go.

  Carl Johnson : Whatever, man.

• Carl Johnson : [Carl has to use an old plane]  You sure this thing is safe? I can see daylight through the floor.

  Mike Toreno : Hey, in that thing you look like an enthusiast. The US Air Force is less likely to shoot you down.

  Carl Johnson : Cool, what's the problem then?

  Mike Toreno : I said "less likely." If you did as much amphetamines as these guys did, you'd be lucky not to shoot anything that moves.

  Carl Johnson : Aw, shit.

  Mike Toreno : Hey, just stay low and you'll be fine.

• [Toreno is talking to CJ over a radio] 

  Carl Johnson : Where are you? You givin' me the heebie jeebies, man!

  Mike Toreno : Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.

• Mike Toreno : You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it.

  Carl Johnson : That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news!

  Mike Toreno : Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

• Mike Toreno : I'm too hip, I gotta go.

• [Toreno is telling CJ to go kill some government agents on a plane] 

  Mike Toreno : Now look, I spoke with the big man. You've got clearance to eliminate these fuckers. How's that?

  Carl Johnson : Huh, man, kill Government agents?

  Mike Toreno : Kill, schmill! Come on... don't look at it that way, will you? Think of it as pest control. It works for me.

• Mike Toreno : [sneaking up behind CJ at the airplane hangar in Verdant Meadows]  Got you again, Carl! You're half-asleep, I coulda killed you in nine different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee!

  Carl Johnson : You need to lay OFF the coffee!