Shrek the Third (2007)
Mike Myers: Shrek
Photos
Quotes
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Shrek : I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happened?
Puss in Boots : Allow me to explain. When a man falls in love with a woman, he is overcome with powerful urges...
Shrek : I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.
Donkey : [to Puss] How does it happen?
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Shrek : Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!
[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]
Artie : Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!
[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]
Artie : Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!
[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]
Merlin : Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-
[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]
Merlin : I knew I should have got that warranty.
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Guinevere : Ahem. This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly and she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the homecoming dance or something.
Shrek : Excuse me?
Guinevere : It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff.
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Shrek : [after the royal page comes into the bedroom just as he was about to kiss Fiona] Someone had better be dying.
[cuts to everyone in the King's bedroom]
King Harold : I'm dying...
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Puss in Boots : If he were real, could I do this?
[Digs claws into Shrek's leg, Shrek tries to hold in his pain]
Shrek : Ah! Oww!
Donkey : Or this?
[Kicks Shrek's other leg, Shrek moans]
Shrek : If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.
Donkey : Now watch this!
Shrek : [Restrains Donkey and Puss] That's quite enough, boys!
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Artie : [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]
[weeping like a troubled teen]
Artie : It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!
Merlin : Come on, take it easy!
Artie : No! I don't think you understand!
[collapses at Merlin's feet]
Artie : There's a mean person doing mean things to good people
Shrek : Oh, have a heart, old man
Artie : And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?
[collapses and sobs inaudibly]
Merlin : [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things
Artie : [stands up and clears his throat]
[to Shrek]
Artie : Piece of cake.
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Shrek : [to Charming] Those are some nice leotards, though
Prince Charming : Oh, thank you.
Shrek : Do they have those in men's sizes?
[audience laughs]
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Shrek : Good morning.
Princess Fiona : Good morning. Ooh, morning breath.
Shrek : Yeah. Isn't it wonderful?
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Shrek : Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
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Shrek : Fiona, try to be reasonable. Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now imagine an *ogre* baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop.
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[last lines]
Shrek : [baby cries] I got it.
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Shrek : If Artie trusts him, I trust him, even *if* his cloak doesn't completely cover his...
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Shrek : [to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another! And you're gonna be a father!
Artie : [Sounding confused] What?
Donkey : [to Shrek] You just said father!
Shrek : [to Artie] I said... king, you're gonna be king!
Artie : [Imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king!
[Reverts back to his normal voice]
Artie : Yeah, right!
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Prince Charming : This was supposed to be *my* Happily Ever After!
Shrek : Well, I guess you need to keep looking, because I'm not giving up mine.
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Princess Fiona : Hi honey. Sorry we're late. You okay?
Shrek : Much better, now that you're here.
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Shrek : That's right, I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at whatever it is they are doing!
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Princess Fiona : [feeling her stomach] Shrek!
Shrek : [calling out to her] Yeah?
Princess Fiona : Wait!
Shrek : What is it?
Princess Fiona : [taking a deep breath] I'm... I'm...
[but was cut off by the ship captain's fog horn]
Shrek : [laughs] I love you too, honey!
Princess Fiona : No! No, I said I'm-
[cut off by the fog horn again]
Shrek : [grabs the fog horn from the captain, and throws it overboard] You're what?
Princess Fiona : I said I'm pregnant!
[the fairytale creatures cheer]
Shrek : [can't believe his ears] Oh... what was that?
Princess Fiona : You're going to be a father!
Shrek : [nervous laugh] That's great.
Princess Fiona : Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you!
Shrek : [smiles back at Fiona] Yeah...
[nervous laugh]
Shrek : Me, too.
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King Harold : [coughs] I'm dying...
Queen Lillian : Harold.
King Harold : Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian.
Queen Lillian : Of course, darling.
King Harold : Fiona...
Princess Fiona : Yes, Daddy?
King Harold : I know I made many mistakes with you.
Princess Fiona : It's okay.
King Harold : But your love for Shrek has taught me so much.
[to Shrek]
King Harold : My dear boy, I'm proud to call you my son.
Shrek : And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King dad-in-law.
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Shrek : I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona.
Princess Fiona : I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better.
[Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh]
Princess Fiona : Shrek?
Shrek : Yeah.
Princess Fiona : You look handsome.
Shrek : Ah. Come here, you.
[she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air]
Shrek : Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit.
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Princess Fiona : Just think... a couple more days and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filling with the rotting stench of mud and neglect.
Shrek : Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled".
Princess Fiona : And, uh.. maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor?
Shrek : [laughs] That's right. The swamp rats are spawning.
Princess Fiona : Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bigger then a swamp rat.
Shrek : Donkey?
Princess Fiona : No, Shrek. Um... what if..
Shrek : Yeah?
Princess Fiona : They were little ogre feet.
