Bromwell High (2005– )

Graeme Garden: Roger Bibby

Quotes 

• Prosecutor : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

  Mr. Bibby : [hand on Bible]  I do.

  Prosecutor : Is your name Roger Bibby?

  Mr. Bibby : No.

  [Bible bursts into flames] 

  Mr. Bibby : That means nothing.

• Iqbal : [after getting cable television]  I have seen the future, and it is porn, sharks, and Nazis!

  Mr. Bibby : Excellent. That rather plays to my strengths.

• Iqbal : Ha! You's shat your pants! You's scared!

  Mr. Bibby : I assure you, I am not scared. The fact I shat my pants is neither here nor there.

• Iqbal : Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!

  Mr. Bibby : Morning headmaster.

  Iqbal : Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.

  Mr. Bibby : Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.

  Iqbal : No, I mean you no look like the children.

  Mr. Bibby : Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.

• [Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom] 

  Mr. Bibby : Why, Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cyprus, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.

  Iqbal : The teachers, they don' like me.

  Mr. Bibby : Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.

• Mr. Bibby : Think what it would mean to your parents. Or guardians. Or whatever combination of incompetent caregivers attend to your domestic requirements.

• Mr. Bibby : I have the results from the latest GCSE modules from the assessment board. They are as follows: Biology - Poor, Physics - Very Poor, French - Unacceptable, Maths - Crap

  Martin : It doesn't say crap!

  Mr. Bibby : I'm paraphrasing, it actually says "cocking shite".

• Mr. Bibby : [Melanie is trying to bribe him]  You think that my support can be bought? Does that mean that money would persuade me to forgo my principal my duty as a teacher? And even my responsibility to...

  [he turns around and sees her completely naked] 

  Mr. Bibby : ...Money's fine.