Bromwell High (2005– )

Simon Greenall: Martin Jackson, Iqbal Kandallah, Various, Iqbal, Davis

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Iqbal : Bloody Shitcakes!

• Martin Jackson : I'm not fly.

  Carol Jackson : You're not fly!

  Martin Jackson : I'm a math teacher.

  Carol Jackson : You're a math teacher.

  Martin Jackson : And that's plenty cool enough.

  Carol Jackson : You're a math teacher.

• Iqbal : [after getting cable television]  I have seen the future, and it is porn, sharks, and Nazis!

  Mr. Bibby : Excellent. That rather plays to my strengths.

• Carol Jackson : [after Iqbal gets a big bag of money]  Please tell me you will be spending that money on books.

  Iqbal : If by books you mean windsurfing lessons, then yes!

• Iqbal : [talking about cutbacks]  From now on you will be drinking your own urine... in fact, you will be drinking my urine from now on!

• Miss Hutchinson : Well, sex education is very important.

  Iqbal : Not to me. I just stick it in.

• Dave Anderson : [after getting a record deal]  Mornin', Martin.

  Martin Jackson : I'm not jealous.

  Dave Anderson : Of what?

  Martin Jackson : Nothing. Fuck!

  Dave Anderson : What'd you mean fuck?

  Martin Jackson : I love teaching. I don't want to be a millionaire.

  [begins to cry] 

• Iqbal : [entering staff room]  Ok, ladyboys, listen to Iqbal.

• Iqbal : Ha! You's shat your pants! You's scared!

  Mr. Bibby : I assure you, I am not scared. The fact I shat my pants is neither here nor there.

• Iqbal : These kids are like my own children. Except I'm not banned from going within a mile of their houses.

• Iqbal : Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we lose lawsuit and have to pay six jillion squid to some lawyer. Good news is, Iqbal ain't gonna take that shit from no-one. Iqbal is going to fight! I is take this case to House of Lords. And when they is tell me to fuck off, I is go to Brussels! Iqbal is never going to give in while he has breath in his body. Who's with me? I said, who's with me?

  [Everyone applauds] 

  Iqbal : On second thought it would be really difficult, and I can't be bothered. School is closed forever.

• Iqbal : Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!

  Mr. Bibby : Morning headmaster.

  Iqbal : Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.

  Mr. Bibby : Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.

  Iqbal : No, I mean you no look like the children.

  Mr. Bibby : Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.

• Student : [about division]  I still don't understand.

  Martin Jackson : Well, then, you're just a fucking idiot, then, aren't you? I've done pie, I've done orange, what more do you want?

• Martin Jackson : [Martin has just sold his novel, thus quitting his teaching job]  Hee hee! You will never use anything I've taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha!

  Keisha Marie : [smugly]  He chose me.

• Martin Jackson : Carol, that fireman says you shagged him!

  Carol Jackson : Which one?

  Martin Jackson : That one!

  [points to a fireman] 

  Carol Jackson : Oh, no, I didn't shag that one.

  Martin Jackson : Ha ha. Unlucky!

• [repeated line] 

  Iqbal : Item 54...

• Iqbal : [interviewing disabled teachers, Iqbal commandeers a wheelchair]  I am a Dalek! Exterminaaaate!

• [Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom] 

  Mr. Bibby : Why, Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cyprus, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.

  Iqbal : The teachers, they don' like me.

  Mr. Bibby : Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.

• Iqbal : [on the phone with the Ministry of Education] 

  [gasp] 

  Iqbal : There is a Ministry of Education? What is next, Ministry of Kabob?