The Comic Strip Presents (TV Series)

Five Go Mad in Dorset (1982)

Ron Tarr: Dirty Dick

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Julian and George find a rundown hut with rusting cars, bank safes and coffins lying around outside] 

  Julian : Look, that car's got no motor tax.

  George : Maybe it belongs to an illegal immigrant.

  Julian : I shouldn't be surprised.

  George : What a strange, desolate place.

  [Julian knocks on the door. A huge, hairy man wearing a tatty string vest and sunglasses steps out] 

  Dirty Dick : [Cockney accent]  Yeah?

  Julian : Ah, good evening. Uh, we're the Famous Five and we're camping down by the lake and we need some food. We'd like some free range eggs, you own home-baked bread, some of your own cured bacon and your own honey and some tomatoes from your garden would do splendidly.

  Dirty Dick : Oh yeah? What do think this is, 'Arrods? Come on, piss off now! And don't speak to any coppers about me!

  Julian : I don't think I really like the tone of your voice.

  Fingers : [offscreen - also has a Cockney accent]  'Oo's that, then Dick? It's not the rozzers, I 'ope!

  Dirty Dick : Nah, just a couple of smarmy brats!

  Fingers : Tell 'em to scarper! There's some more dirty work to do.

  George : Wait a minute! You must be Dirty Dick.

  Dirty Dick : [nervous]  No, no, my name's not Dirty Dick. It's er, it's er... Dirty Douglas!

  Julian : Look here. There's something very queer going on. What exactly are you doing in there?

  Dirty Dick : Oh, so you've tumbled our game, have you?

  Fingers : What's that? What's that? Are we done for, Dirty?

  Dirty Dick : Sorry, Fingers. I'm afraid we're bang to rights this time.

  Fingers : Let's make a run for it, Dirty! You start the car while I grab the sparklers. We can still get away with it!

  Dirty Dick : It's no good, Fingers! These kids are far too clever for us! We'll get 15 years each for this!

  Fingers : Oh, no! Not another stretch in clink! I'm gonna take the easy way out!

  [sound of a gunshot, then a thud] 

  George : Urgh! What a horrid, common voice he's got!

  Dirty Dick : Oh well, I suppose I'd better go down to the police station and get nicked, then.

• Dirty Dick : Right. Let's run through our evil plan once more, Mr. Knuckles.

  Fingers : Right you are, Mr. Lenin.

  [inside the tent] 

  Dick : [whispering]  Wake up, Ju. I can hear voices.

  Julian : I can't hear anything.

  Dick : Listen. There it is again.

  Fingers : Blah, blah, blah, stolen plans, blah, blah, blah, missing scientist, blah, blah, blah.

  Dick : Shh.

  Fingers : Blah, blah, blah, atom bomb, blah, blah, blah, Third World War, blah, blah, blah.

  Dick : Shh!

  Fingers : Blah, blah, blah, Kneecap Hill, blah, blah, blah, top secret, blah, blah, blah, kidnapped boy, blah, blah, blah, everything ties up, blah, blah, blah.

  Dick : Shh! Missing scientists? Kneecap Hill? Do me a favour? Big secret? What do you think it all means?

  Julian : I'm not sure, Dick, but it all sounds very queer!