Family Guy (TV Series)

Emission Impossible (2001)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Announcer, Smurf #1

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Lois' sister is in labor] 

  Peter Griffin : No baby, but it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's the head.

  Lois Griffin : [to Carol]  Push. Push!

  Peter Griffin : I am, it won't go back in!

• Brian Griffin : [Brian and Peter are assembling a bassinet]  Now insert tab A into slot B.

  Peter Griffin : That's what sh...

  Brian Griffin : If you say, "That's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

• Stewie Griffin : [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror]  Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!

  Brian Griffin : Wow. The evidence is really piling up.

  Stewie Griffin : Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

• Bertram : Go ahead, finish me off! My only regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman.

  Stewie Griffin : What the-? How the devil do you know about Lois?

  Bertram : You seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me, plotting my escape.

  Stewie Griffin : You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What else do you hate?

  Bertram : People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards.

  Stewie Griffin : Ooh, ooh, people who use the word "guesstimate".

  Bertram : Guys who wear sandals with socks.

  Stewie Griffin , Bertram : Jason Patric! Ewwww!

• [during a romantic dinner] 

  Lois Griffin : [seductively]  You know, I'm not wearing any panties.

  Peter Griffin : Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

• [Lois' sister, Carol, is going into labor and Peter is driving to the hospital] 

  Lois Griffin : Don't worry, Carol, we're almost there.

  [the car stops] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, why are we stopped?

  Peter Griffin : [ordering at a drive-thru]  Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that's right.

  Peter Griffin : [to the drive-thru speaker]  And a kid's meal. And, uh...

  Peter Griffin : [to himself]  I guess I'll have fries.

  Peter Griffin : [to Lois and Carol]  If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don't wanna be the only one eating them, I'll feel like a fatty.

• Dr. Elmer Hartman : All right, let's see what we have here. Oh, the baby's crowning. All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby.

  [reaching into a nearby bin] 

  Dr. Elmer Hartman : Well, these don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I always keep the gloves. Hmm, maybe if I dig deeper.

  [reaching in farther] 

  Dr. Elmer Hartman : Nope. Just feels like more needles. Well, that's the craziest thing.

  [pulling his arm out, they're stuck with numerous needles] 

  Dr. Elmer Hartman : Oh, now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer.

• Peter Griffin : You're going to have a baby brother, buddy!

  Lois Griffin : Or a sister.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, a new baby. That's wonderful.

  [waddling out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, call me when "Kojak" starts.

  [after a moment, he sticks his head back in] 

  Stewie Griffin : What?

• Stewie Griffin : Well, it seems you're out of ammunition.

  Bertram : As are you, Stewart.

  Stewie Griffin : [gasp]  You know my name?

  Bertram : I know many things.

  Stewie Griffin : Indeed.

  Bertram : Quite.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes.

  Bertram : Hmm.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, perhaps we should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person.

  Bertram : Hmm.

  Stewie Griffin : Hmm.

  Bertram : Yes.

• Lois Griffin : My sister just called. Her baby's due any day now, and Ted just walked out on her.

  Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa. Back it up, back it up. You have a sister?

  Lois Griffin : I promised her I'd be on the next train. Oh, poor Carol, all alone in that big house.

  Peter Griffin : Wait a minute. Carol... Carol... is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table?

  Lois Griffin : Yeah.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, I'd better come with you.

  Lois Griffin : Really? Well... well, that's a surprise.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you?

  [cutaway; in their car, they're accosted by two thugs at a red light] 

  Thug #1 : Get out of the damn car! Now!

  Thug #2 : Scream and you're dead.

  Peter Griffin : [getting out]  Thanks for the ride, lady.

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, hey! It's the Griffins. What can I do for you?

  Lois Griffin : Glenn, we have a family emergency. We really need you to take the kids for just a couple days.

  Glenn Quagmire : Uh, well... well, in accordance with Megan's Law, I'm obligated to inform you that, uh... you... you know what? That's fine, I'll take the kids.

• Chris Griffin : Mr. Quagmire, I finished the scavenger hunt!

  Glenn Quagmire : Whoa, whoa, hold your horses, hold your horses. Let's go down the list. Uh... an unsharpened pencil?

  Chris Griffin : Check!

  Glenn Quagmire : A speed limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or 0?

  Chris Griffin : Check!

  Glenn Quagmire : Your mom's hairbrush?

  Chris Griffin : Check!

  Glenn Quagmire : You win!

  Chris Griffin : Oh, boy! What's my prize?

  Glenn Quagmire : A pencil and a speed sign.

  Chris Griffin : I did it!

  Glenn Quagmire : [leaving with the hairbrush]  I'll be right back.

• Peter Griffin : Um, hey, Carol, uh, since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what are gonna do with Ted's shirts? He's half your size.

  Peter Griffin : I know, I know, I know, I know. But check this out. Hey... hey, Carol, say... say "David Banner, I just slashed your tires."

  Carol : David Banner, I just slashed your tires.

  Peter Griffin : [he pantomimes turning into the Incredible Hulk, then giggles]  I'm priceless.

• Stewie Griffin : Ah, baby books. Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, somebody hasn't heard the news.

  Stewie Griffin : News? What news?

  Lois Griffin : What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family?

  Stewie Griffin : Hmm...

  [in his daydream, he and the others lounge around, with a dead Lois on the floor like an animal carpet] 

  Stewie Griffin : [flipping through the paper]  Well, the Phillies won.

• Peter Griffin : Oh, geez! My duodenum's acting up!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?

  Peter Griffin : I'm watching the latest episode of "Laundry Theater". See, now... now, those are Chris' socks, right? Now, they don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. Ooh, it's fun to watch rich people be naughty!

• [Stewie is singing "Up Where We Belong" from "An Officer and a Gentleman," Peter and Lois are near tears] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I love you Peter!

  Peter Griffin : And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!