Frasier (TV Series)

Dark Victory (1995)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• [during a blackout] 

  Frasier : Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.

  Niles : I'm going to call Maris.

  Frasier : Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

• Niles : You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! If this were another era, I'd horsewhip you!

  Frasier : Niles, what are you talking about?

  Niles : You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!

  Frasier : Caroline was your patient?

  Niles : Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.

• [having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs] 

  Frasier : No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.

  Daphne : Oh, don't be a party pooper.

  Martin : Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.

  Frasier : Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

• [playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"] 

  Frasier : If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?

  Daphne : I can't think of anything.

  Frasier : Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...

  Daphne : Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.

  Frasier : Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...

  [Roz throws in a penny] 

  Frasier : ...done.

  [Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her] 

  Roz : I was in college, I was trying to find myself!

  Niles : All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

• Roz : I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky twenty-five year-olds that are all looks and no substance?

  Frasier : Exactly, Roz.

  Roz : No, I'm serious. I'm asking, how long? Three, four years?

• Frasier : You know, what we need to do? We need to liven things up a little bit. How about a game? What was that game we played at the Rambican's when they were costuming their servants for the living chess match?

• Frasier : Listen, Dad. You can still travel. You can. You can't walk around Paris - you can sit at a nice café and let Paris walk past you. Maybe buy a glass of wine for a beautiful Mademoiselle. Get yourself a nice bottle of imported beer.

  Martin : I only like Ballantines.

  Frasier : In Paris, Ballantine's is imported beer.

• Caroline : Would it be Ok if I called back sometime and picked your brains?

  Frasier : Well, just consider me your mental banjo.

• Frasier : Dad, you haven't even cut your cake yet. Where are you going?

  Martin : I'm gonna sit in the tub with a hairdryer and wait for the power to come back on.

• Daphne : I broke your father's souvenir spoon rack from Atlantic City.

  Frasier : Oh, good.

• Frasier : You know you're not really mad at me, Niles. You know I didn't tell that woman to leave you. I merely suggested it as an option. It was all her choice. Could it be that you're really upset just because you couldn't help that woman?

  Niles : You know, I really hate that. When you take a simple criticism and you turn it back on me.

  Frasier : I think I'm right.

  Niles : Well, of course you're right. Why do you think I hate it?

• Frasier : Oh, Niles. You're being silly and irrational.

  Niles : Sticks and stones.

  Frasier : You're acting just like Dad.

  Niles : [furious]  You take that back!