M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Bottoms Up (1981)

David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : [Enters tent]  Charles, I have something incredible to tell you.

  Major Charles Winchester : [Stands]  Here you are, Pierce. Let me make this easy for you. Here you go.

  [Drops trousers] 

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : No, I don't want your pants. I come in peace.

  Major Charles Winchester : Oh, no need to pull my leg, Pierce. Here you go, now you say 'Got you Charles, ha ha ha' and the then you leave.

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : How can I make you listen to me?

  Major Charles Winchester : Cannot.

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Okay, here you go. Here you are.

  [Drops trousers] 

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Here's a show of good faith.

  Major Charles Winchester : Oh, the nudist magazines are finally taking their toll, eh?

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : No, no, nothing like that. All I want is a brief conversation.

  Major Charles Winchester : Concerning what?

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Concerning your enemy and mine BJ Hunnicut. This is a man with two faces, each one containing a forked tongue.

  Major Charles Winchester : Why, what's he done?

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Everything. I was supposed to sit in that glue in the officer's club, only he arranged for the chairs to be switched and you'd get it again.

  Major Charles Winchester : You expect me to believe this, Pierce?

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Charles. I swear I'm telling the naked truth. As Klinger as my witness. He was the one who switched the chairs on BJ's instructions. and it was BJ's idea that you go bareback in the OR too.

  Major Charles Winchester : Pierce, this sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. Are you telling me this is true?

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Absolutely. Our own clean cut, adorable, soft spoken BJ is a perverse genius. He magnificently orchestrated things so you'd get humiliated, I'd get blamed and he'd get his jollies.

  Major Charles Winchester : My word. Machiavelli would have been proud.

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : But it's not over yet. You know the old saying: he who lives by the joke shall die by the joke.

• Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : [Viewing photos of the revenge prank on BJ]  These came out great. That BJ is the living end.

  Major Charles Winchester : Proof past that behind every great man there is a great behind.

  [Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh] 

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : These are wonderful.

  [to Klinger] 

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : What took you so long with these?

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Well, to develop photos of this sort you need more than a dark room. You need a dark alley.

  [Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh. BJ comes up behind] 

  Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Ah, ah. Not funny. Not funny.

  [Snatches photos] 

  Major Charles Winchester : My, isn't he a testy one?

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : He's going to be absolutely beside himself when he sees those eight by tens on the bulletin board.

  Captain B.J. Hunnicut : No.

  Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Yeah.

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Ahhhhhh!

  [Runs screaming as Hawk and Winchester laugh] 

• Major Charles Winchester : [Chair glued to his behind, Winchester struggles over to the bar]  Max, get me a knife!

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Major, don't! It's not worth it!

  Major Charles Winchester : For my pants!

  [Begins undoing belt, turns to crowd] 

  Major Charles Winchester : Attention, attention all personnel! It would appear that ol' Doc Funnypants is at it again and once again, I am the butt of his joke.

  [Crowd boos] 

  Major Charles Winchester : Please, please, please. We must all remember that the poor man is demented, he's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish.

  [Points at his behind, crowd laughs and applauds] 

  Major Charles Winchester : Thank you all very much, you are indeed a source of inspiration during these

  [inhales as Klinger accidentally cuts him] 

  Major Charles Winchester : difficult times. I assure you, I shall endure.

  [Crowd applauds. Klinger cuts away the trousers and Winchester stands up and heads for the door] 

  Major Charles Winchester : Thank you Max. Thank you.

  [Turns] 

  Major Charles Winchester : Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers.

  [Chuckles] 

  Major Charles Winchester : Perhaps several. No telling how often I'll be torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce.

  [Mock salutes Pierce and leaves]