M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Lend a Hand (1980)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Anthony Borelli : Let me make one thing clear to you, Doctor...

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No, let me make one thing clear to YOU, Doctor...

  Cpl. Jarvis : Hey, what the hell kind of doctors are you, anyway? Do me a favor, will ya? First save Captain Kramer's life. Then you can kill each other.

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No, I wouldn't think of it. I'd feel awful if I was back here snug and safe and my pal was up there facing danger, freezing his klavey on his wedding anniversary.

  Margaret : His-- His what?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : His klavey.

  Margaret : No, no, no. After that.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh. His wedding anniversary.

• Dr. Anthony Borelli : Do you always scrub like that?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [irritated]  Scrub like what?

  Dr. Anthony Borelli : You know, like that.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No, I used to send my hands out to the laundry, but they always came back with too much starch.

• Dr. Anthony Borelli : I'll go along with you.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No, you don't have to go.

  Dr. Anthony Borelli : You can use the help and the company.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I don't need the help OR the company.

• Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I, uh, took the liberty of borrowing your birthday.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : YOU WHAT?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Shh! Will you...

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [lowering his voice]  You what?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Hawk, will you look around? See how depressed these people are? They need something to do. A surprise birthday party is just the thing to cheer them up.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What are you, nuts? It's not even close to my birthday.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Perfect! You're not using it. It's part of the surprise.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Borrow your own birthday!

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Come on. You're gonna love it.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I'm gonna hate it. A whole day of letting people slap me on the back, laughing at their stupid gag gifts, and pretending I'm surprised? And then, when it really IS my birthday, nobody'll believe me.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I'LL believe you.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You don't hear too well. Read my lips: Drop dead.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I can't. I'm in charge of the party.

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Uh, Beej, could I talk to you for a minute, please?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [to the nurses]  Will you excuse me?

  [to Hawkeye] 

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yeah, sure. What's the problem?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I've been getting some very funny questions tonight like, uh, how big is my foot? What's my favorite color? Two people asked me if, uh, if I'd ever had a pet.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : They're interested in you. You have to realize these people are very bored.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I seem to be the object of some kind of a conspiracy. So naturally, I thought of you.